Feed aggregator

Frontier Airlines Shuts Down Customer Service Phone Line

The Onion - Tue, 2022-11-29 07:45

Frontier Airlines is doing away with its customer service phone line in its latest cost-cutting measure, the company saying that most customers prefer communicating with service agents via digital channels like its website’s live chat or social media. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Poll Finds 82% Of Drunk Women Really Needed Night Like This

The Onion - Tue, 2022-11-29 07:30

CHICAGO—In a nationwide survey of more than 5,000 girlfriends currently out on the town, a new poll published Tuesday by the University of Chicago’s Center for Public Affairs Research found that 82% of drunk women really needed a night like this. “Four-fifths of all female friends drinking to excess said that, until…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Couple Struggling To Get Pregnant Taking It As Sign That They Should Keep Trying Until Relationship Implodes

The Onion - Tue, 2022-11-29 07:15

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Saying they had to be realistic about what their current situation entailed, married couple Brett and Hannah Steinwald told reporters Tuesday that they were taking their struggle to get pregnant as a sign that they should keep trying until their relationship eventually implodes. “Look, if we aren’t…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nation’s Old Men Announce Plans To Wake Up At 5 A.M. And Argue With Other Old Men Around Table At McDonald’s

The Onion - Tue, 2022-11-29 07:00

MARIETTA, OH—Pledging to arrive at the crack of dawn and stay until their families came and picked them up, the nation’s old men announced plans Tuesday to wake up at 5 a.m. and argue with other old men around a table at McDonald’s. “Today, we, the elderly men of the United States, promise to get up very early in the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 16:40

NEW YORK—Expressing skepticism about the unproven technology’s potential in the lead-up to the holiday season, Cyber Monday retailers reportedly worried this week that Americans were simply not ready to buy goods over the World Wide Web. “While there may be a few fringe dedicated Netizens interested in online…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

U.S. Black Friday Sales Surpass $9 Billion In New Record

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 16:35

Online sales for Black Friday set a new record of $9.2 billion, up 2.3% year over year, with many shoppers using flexible payment plans as the nation continues to grapple with high prices and inflation. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trump Disappointed After Holocaust Denier Tells Him Holocaust Never Happened

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 16:35

PALM BEACH, FL—Appearing crestfallen during a dinner with the white supremacist at his Mar-a-Lago estate, former President Donald Trump is said to have expressed deep sadness last week when he was told by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes that the Holocaust never happened. “Wait, so all those stories I heard as a child…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Hopes No One Can Tell He’s Bald Under Full Head Of Hair

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 08:00

GREAT FALLS, MT—Nervously readjusting his thick and healthy follicles, local man Mike Chesper told reporters Monday that he hoped no one could tell he was totally bald under his full head of hair. “I try to cover it up with my voluminous locks, but I’m worried it’s obvious that, beneath it all, I’m bald as can be,”…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 07:45

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to save millions in production costs with little effect on viewership, Marvel Studios announced Monday that it wasn’t even going to bother replacing green screens with CGI anymore. “Essentially, we’re just going to put the actors in front of a green background, film the thing, and that’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

FDA Warns Tying Penis Into Knot Only Prevents 73% Of Pregnancies

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 07:30

SILVER SPRING, MD—Saying the practice represented at best an imperfect way to practice contraception, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration released a study Monday warning that tying one’s penis into a knot only prevented pregnancies in 73% of cases. “Unfortunately, there’s a widespread and prevailing belief among…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Study Finds Plants Communicate Using Underground Network Of Spies

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 07:15

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In pioneering new research that could revolutionize the understanding of Earth’s flora, a study published Monday by biologists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that plants communicate using an underground network of spies. “For the first time, we have been able to intercept the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Republican Lawmakers React To Anti-LGBTQ Violence

The Onion - Mon, 2022-11-28 07:00

“It’s a damn shame that we have to hear about it.”

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

The Onion - Fri, 2022-11-25 07:45

Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64

The Onion - Fri, 2022-11-25 07:30

NEW YORK—Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47%…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

The Onion - Fri, 2022-11-25 07:15

MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If we do not receive your money transfer at Subway headquarters by…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion
Syndicate content