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Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

The Onion - Sat, 2019-09-21 09:40

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is…

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Categories: The Onion

Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 17:17

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels…

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Categories: The Onion

Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 15:37

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Lend a Hand: Here’s a List of General Motors Picket Lines

Steward's Corner - Fri, 2019-09-20 14:52

This week 49,000 auto workers are walking the picket lines at General Motors factories across the U.S. in the biggest private sector strike in more than a decade. And you can help!

Despite flush profits, the company wants workers to pay more for health care, accept a raise lower than inflation, and continue its system of unequal tiers of workers. But GM didn’t count on the solidarity of the rank and file. Strikers are making a stand for equality for temps and second-tier workers.

Categories: Labor Notes

Lend a Hand: Here’s a List of General Motors Picket Lines

Magazine Stories - Fri, 2019-09-20 14:52

This week 49,000 auto workers are walking the picket lines at General Motors factories across the U.S. in the biggest private sector strike in more than a decade. And you can help!

Despite flush profits, the company wants workers to pay more for health care, accept a raise lower than inflation, and continue its system of unequal tiers of workers. But GM didn’t count on the solidarity of the rank and file. Strikers are making a stand for equality for temps and second-tier workers.

Categories: Labor Notes

‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 14:39

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game…

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Categories: The Onion

Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 12:33

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…

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Categories: The Onion

Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 12:15

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…

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Categories: The Onion

Viewpoint: A Green Transition Is Inevitable, But Justice Is Up to Us

Steward's Corner - Fri, 2019-09-20 11:05

Humans have created an existential crisis. It’s up for grabs who will live, how and where, which species will survive, and how the big decisions are made.

No exaggeration—we are in the eleventh hour.

Fossil fuel companies, banks, and all those who profit from these industries have exacerbated the warming of our planet, creating a climate disaster.

Categories: Labor Notes

Viewpoint: A Green Transition Is Inevitable, But Justice Is Up to Us

Magazine Stories - Fri, 2019-09-20 11:05

Humans have created an existential crisis. It’s up for grabs who will live, how and where, which species will survive, and how the big decisions are made.

No exaggeration—we are in the eleventh hour.

Fossil fuel companies, banks, and all those who profit from these industries have exacerbated the warming of our planet, creating a climate disaster.

Categories: Labor Notes

Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 09:00

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 08:30

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…

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Categories: The Onion

The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’

The Onion - Fri, 2019-09-20 08:00

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.

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Categories: The Onion

Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-19 14:35

OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded to criticism Thursday with a new campaign ad in which the slogan “Triggered?” appears on screen as he dabs his face with burnt cork. “Oh,…

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Categories: The Onion

Federal Agencies that Trump Hates Attack Their Unions

Steward's Corner - Thu, 2019-09-19 14:08
Federal Agencies that Trump Hates Attack Their Unions September 19, 2019 / Saurav Sarkar<? if(isset($entity->premium) and $entity->premium == 1) { echo "Print Only"; } ?>

At an awards ceremony for Environmental Protection Agency workers July 10, scientist Loreen Targos took over the stage with a sign: “I care about EPA workers having a fair contract to address public health and climate change. Do you?”

Targos is a Government Employees (AFGE) Local 704 steward who was being honored, along with her co-workers, for superior service in the clean-up of contaminated wetlands in the Great Lakes region.

Categories: Labor Notes

Federal Agencies that Trump Hates Attack Their Unions

Magazine Stories - Thu, 2019-09-19 14:08
Federal Agencies that Trump Hates Attack Their Unions September 19, 2019 / Saurav Sarkar<? if(isset($entity->premium) and $entity->premium == 1) { echo "Print Only"; } ?>

At an awards ceremony for Environmental Protection Agency workers July 10, scientist Loreen Targos took over the stage with a sign: “I care about EPA workers having a fair contract to address public health and climate change. Do you?”

Targos is a Government Employees (AFGE) Local 704 steward who was being honored, along with her co-workers, for superior service in the clean-up of contaminated wetlands in the Great Lakes region.

Categories: Labor Notes

White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-19 14:00

The White House has revoked California’s right to set its own vehicle emissions standards and banned other states from setting similar rules in a move that would likely increase carbon emissions from transportation but will almost certainly face legal challenges. What do you think?

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Categories: The Onion

Grandmother Contracts Herpes 5 Minutes After Checking Into Nursing Home

The Onion - Thu, 2019-09-19 13:56

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome…

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Categories: The Onion
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