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USA : OP-ED: Beverage Taxes Are Not the Health Solution that Working Families Need
25 McDonald’s Employees Come Forward With Sexual Harassment Claim
Twenty-five employees have filed sexual harassment charges against McDonald’s, describing accusations of sexual harassment, lewd comments, and retaliation on the job. What do you think?
Woman Attempting To Cultivate Self-Love Forced To Start Completely From Scratch After Photo Where Nose Looks Kind Of Weird
CHICAGO—Though she has spent years learning to accept that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, area 28-year-old Ashley Connell was reportedly forced to start completely from scratch in her attempts to cultivate self-love Wednesday upon seeing a photograph in which her nose looked a little bit weird. “Oh,…
Distraught Man Still Finding Painful Reminders Of Long-Gone Hoagie Around Apartment
PHILADELPHIA—Plunged into an abyss of forlorn longing by the sight of a days-old grease stain on his kitchen counter, local man Sean Richardson confessed Wednesday that he still chances across painful reminders of a long-gone but much-loved hoagie around his apartment. “God, I can’t take two steps in the kitchen…
Mild Mild West: ‘Red Dead Online’ Isn’t Worth Playing Since You Can See Real Horses At The Zoo
After a lengthy rollout since its initial 2018 release, Red Dead Online finally exited beta last week, giving fans a reason to dive back into the game’s untamed Wild West alongside other cowboys. The open-world multiplayer definitely offers a vast and exciting frontier to explore, but it’s an experience that…
David Brooks Decries Incivility Of Modern Plumbing After Tripping On Feet And Falling Headfirst Into Toilet
NEW YORK—Devoting thousands of words to what he called “one of the major issues facing Americans today,” New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks decried what he viewed as the incivility of modern plumbing Wednesday after tripping on his own feet and falling headfirst into a toilet. “I was struck recently by an…
Coach’s Un-Athletic Son Going To Get Fucking Reamed After Game For Dropping Fly Ball
PHILADELPHIA—Declaring that they “wouldn’t want to be him right now,” teammates of unathletic outfielder Brett Golliver, son of Coach Bo, confirmed Wednesday that he was going to get fucking reamed out after the game for dropping a routine fly ball in the sixth inning. “Oh my God, it went right through his hands. That…
Pros And Cons Of Noise-Canceling Headphones
Noise-canceling headphones are increasingly popular, but many people think they’re not worth the purchase. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of buying noise-canceling headphones.
Cousin Really Going All-In On Retweeting Porn Stars
BOONVILLE, MO—Noting that his 28-year-old relative was apparently comfortable making his predilections known to the world at large, local account executive Conner Burke observed Wednesday that his cousin Bradley was “going all-in” on retweeting porn stars over the last few months. “When I started following him on…
Britney Spears May Never Perform Again
Pop star Britney Spears may never perform again due to health and family issues, according to her longtime manager Larry Rudolph. What do you think?
UK: Bring British Steel into public ownership to avoid an industrial catastrophe, demands Unite
Iran: IFJ urges release of two journalists arrested around Labour Day
Everything We Know About The ‘Final Fantasy VII’ Remake
It makes sense that Square Enix has kept their Final Fantasy VII reimagining tightly under wraps. But with the recent “State Of Play” teaser trailer and a few key leaks, we’re finally hearing some details about this highly anticipated remake. Here’s what we know so far about the Final Fantasy VII remake.
‘Game Of Thrones’ Caps Off Series Finale
After eight seasons of critically acclaimed high-fantasy drama, HBO’s Game Of Thrones capped off its final season this Sunday. What do you think?
Trump Demands Investigation Into Whether Clintons Gave Him Non-Registry Wedding Gift In 2005
WASHINGTON—Explaining that such a miscarriage of justice would not be tolerated under his watch, President Donald Trump reportedly demanded a federal investigation Monday into whether Bill and Hillary Clinton gave him a non-registry wedding gift in 2005. “Given the fact that Melania and I have no recollection of ever…
Mom Guesses Dressbarn Closure Means She’ll Just Have To Go Shop With All The Sluts Over At Chico’s Now
HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m…
People Criticizing ‘Anthem’ Don’t Understand The Developer’s Vision Of A Game That Had To Come Out This Past Fiscal Year
Ever since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive gameplay and lackluster story fell well short of expectations. This is sadly in line with a disturbing trend in gaming, where players criticize developers based on their own ideal version of the game and not…