CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family’s kitchen. “Despite what a few chronic complainers on the radical left say, the decision to relocate Rondell Chemical to the kitchen and dining room of the…
MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it…
With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.
Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?
A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then…
WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph…
CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared…
A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?
PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left behind dozens of empty boxes for them to play in. “C’mon, Eric, get…
Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think?
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard…
JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point…