The Onion

Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 17:12

BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a…

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Trump Says Any Jewish Person Voting For Democrat Shows ‘Great Disloyalty’

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 15:28

President Trump on Tuesday said that any Jewish person who votes Democrat shows “either a total lack of knowledge or great disloyalty,” drawing criticism from those who said the president’s remarks were evoking an anti-Semitic stereotype. What do you think?

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Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 12:35

SPRINGDALE, AR—Emphasizing that 10-minute loop of shrieking, grinding, and splattering sounds was totally unauthorized, Tyson Foods sent a cease-and-desist to President Donald Trump Wednesday for using slaughterhouse recordings as a pump-up anthem at his rallies. “Unfortunately, President Trump never asked nor…

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Field Of Demography Collapses After 92-Year-Old Woman Buys Monster Energy Drink And Sweet Fusion Vape Juice

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 12:26

BOSTON—Revealing that they would immediately halt all research and shutter all relevant university programs, representatives from the field of demographic research and analysis announced at a press conference Wednesday that the discipline had completely collapsed when Alice Cromwell, 92, purchased a Monster energy…

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Man Not Sure If Friend’s House The Type Where He Supposed To Take Off Clothes Before Entering

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 11:38

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Emphasizing that the last thing he wanted to do was offend someone in their own home, local man Tyler Fredriksson told reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure if his friend’s house was the type where he was supposed to take off his clothes before entering. “Growing up, my family kept our shirts, pants,…

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Football Program In Jeopardy After High School Allocates $500,000 To ‘Little Women’ Production

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 10:00

LOWELL, MA—In a huge blow to the already neglected varsity team, the Lowell High School football program found its future season in jeopardy this week after administrators allocated $500,000 of school funds to the theater department’s upcoming production of Little Women. “We’re worried about the future of the program.…

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Four Tons Of Pot Found Buried In Jalapeños

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 09:30

San Diego authorities uncovered nearly four tons of marijuana smuggled beneath a shipment of jalapeños at the Otay Mesa Port of Entry. What do you think? 

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Famous Boycotts In U.S. History

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 08:30

Politically driven boycotts of consumer products and pressure on companies to stop advertising on controversial platforms have been a hallmark of the Trump era, but boycotts in America go back well before the 45th president. The Onion takes a look at the history of consumer boycotts in the U.S.

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Discovery Channel Pulls Controversial ‘How It’s Made’ Nuclear Power Episode That Gave Iran Access To Top-Secret Designs

The Onion - Wed, 2019-08-21 08:00

SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that they never intended to leak the vast trove of state secrets to a foreign entity, Discovery Channel pulled the controversial nuclear power episode of How It’s Made Wednesday after realizing the show had allowed Iran access top-secret U.S. Department of Energy designs. “Had we known…

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Swiss Scientists Develop Cat Allergy Vaccine

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-20 18:16

HypoPet AG, a Swiss-based company, announced it has developed a vaccine called HypoCat that can be administered to cats to neutralize allergy-causing dander. What do you think?

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Jill Biden Urges Democratic Voters To Ignore Which Candidates Are Mentally Sharp Enough To Finish Complete Sentences For Good Of Party

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-20 14:15

WASHINGTON—In a strongly worded show of support for her husband, former second lady Jill Biden urged voters Tuesday to ignore which Democratic candidates are mentally sharp enough to finish complete sentences in favor of doing what is best for the Democratic Party. “This is a critical time for our country, and to beat…

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A Look At The Class Of 2023

The Onion - Tue, 2019-08-20 12:35
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