The Onion

NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge

The Onion - Sun, 2023-02-05 17:00

PARADISE, NV—Performing lateral ankle reconstruction procedures before a sold-out crowd at Allegiant Stadium, NFL medical personnel were racing for the quickest ligament repair Sunday during the Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge. “While Dr. George P. Maiers of the Colts has the AFC staff out to an early lead with…

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President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 18:04

President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?

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Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 15:45

WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally…

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Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 15:00

WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say unequivocally: the country is yours,” said President Joe Biden in a…

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Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 13:40

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying the continent’s existence raised numerous questions of bias and accountability in the classroom, the Florida Board of Education reportedly responded to heated statewide controversy Friday by removing Africa from all world maps. “Many parents expressed concern that we were teaching their …

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Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 13:20

AUSTIN, TX—In a watershed breakthrough in the effort to bring back extinct species by synthesizing their DNA in a laboratory, a team of geneticists announced Friday they had resurrected a woolly mammoth’s trunk, though not any other part of the animal. “While we admittedly fell short of our ultimate objective—giving…

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Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 10:00

WASHINGTON—In a stunning revelation that demonstrates the expedition’s deep cultural significance, historians at the National Archives announced Friday the discovery of sketches that depict the regional chain restaurants Lewis and Clark encountered during their journey across America. “These chain establishments soon…

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Tom Brady Retires Again

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 07:30

Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?

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Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex

The Onion - Fri, 2023-02-03 07:00

There are 8 billion other people on the planet, and yet you’ve chosen to date a friend’s ex. If you’re currently stuck in this unfortunate situation, here are some rules you should follow.

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Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 15:50

NEW YORK—In a move designed to make the curriculum more palatable to conservatives, the College Board announced Thursday that its revised AP African American Studies course would focus mostly on Herman Cain’s rise to CEO of a pizza restaurant chain. “As of today, the newest iteration of the AP African American Studies…

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Biden Casually Tells National Prayer Breakfast He’s Been To Heaven Several Times

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 15:20

WASHINGTON—As he transitioned from an anecdote about how his personal faith had allowed him to overcome many hardships in life, President Joe Biden casually mentioned during the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday that he had been to heaven several times. “You know, all this talk of prayer reminds me of the promised…

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Victoria’s Secret Apologizes For Ill-Advised Body Positivity Campaign Showing Horse Wearing Bra

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 12:30

REYNOLDSBURG, OH—In what the lingerie retailer described as a well-meaning but ultimately misguided attempt to give its customers what they wanted, Victoria’s Secret apologized Thursday for an ill-advised body positivity campaign that included images in which a horse is seen wearing a bra. “Please know that we were…

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What To Know About YouTube Influencer MrBeast

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 08:15

With over 130 million subscribers, MrBeast is one of the top YouTubers of all time, an influencer who has having earned both praise and criticism for his expensive stunts. The Onion takes a deep dive into the life and times of MrBeast.

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Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 07:45

In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think?

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Woman Puts On True Crime Podcast To Entertain Herself While Cleaning Up Husband’s Entrails

The Onion - Thu, 2023-02-02 07:30

BOONE, NC—Saying it was the only way she could get through two hours of scrubbing blood from the floor, local woman Janet Kessler reportedly put on a true crime podcast Thursday to entertain herself while cleaning up her husband’s entrails. “I know that those types of shows can be a little dark, but there’s just…

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