The Onion

Chicago Defends Relocating Polluting Factory To Black Family’s Kitchen

The Onion - 3 hours 16 min ago

CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family’s kitchen. “Despite what a few chronic complainers on the radical left say, the decision to relocate Rondell Chemical to the kitchen and dining room of the…

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Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date

The Onion - 3 hours 46 min ago

MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it…

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CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence

The Onion - 4 hours 16 min ago

With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.

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Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chile

The Onion - 4 hours 31 min ago

Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?

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Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 16:37

A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?

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SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 14:20

WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…

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Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 14:15

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then…

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Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 08:44

“Fuck him. I got my judges.”

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Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 08:38

WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph…

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New ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For Men

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 08:37

CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared…

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Scientist Admits ‘Space Telescope Image’ Actually Slice Of Chorizo

The Onion - Wed, 2022-08-10 06:15

A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?

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Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In

The Onion - Tue, 2022-08-09 16:40

PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left behind dozens of empty boxes for them to play in. “C’mon, Eric, get…

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Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson Break Up

The Onion - Tue, 2022-08-09 16:06

Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think?

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Relieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The Bodies

The Onion - Tue, 2022-08-09 15:50

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard…

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Serena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of Motherhood

The Onion - Tue, 2022-08-09 14:45

JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point…

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