The Onion

Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 14:48

SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really…

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Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 14:30

After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?

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Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 14:27

Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.

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Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 13:21

NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to…

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Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 12:09

OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by…

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Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 11:11

SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish…

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Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 10:48

ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that…

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How To Parallel Park Perfectly

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 09:13
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Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 08:42

Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?

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Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge

The Onion - Tue, 2020-07-07 08:30

Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?

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Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 16:34

In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?

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Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 15:17

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these…

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Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 15:14

ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr.…

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FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 14:42

WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’70s, FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy. “On the one hand, I’m sure there’s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records…

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Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 13:16

Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation: Yesterday, Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters, pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict, all in the name of having a…

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Vacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably

The Onion - Mon, 2020-07-06 12:15

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks…

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