The Onion

Middle School Boy Assumes Crush Staring Into His Eyes During Slow Dance Waiting For Him To Make Fart Noises With Hands

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 16:55

LANSING, MI—Encouraged by what he interpreted as “pretty strong signals,” 12-year-old middle school student Brian Foster assumed Friday that Rebecca Saunders, his longtime crush who had spent his middle school’s homecoming dance staring into his eyes, must obviously be waiting for him to make a series of fart noises…

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‘At Least Someone’s Getting Pregnant,’ Reports Mother-In-Law Watching News Story About Child Brides

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 16:38

ITHACA, NY—Watching a new story about the legal loopholes that allow underage American girls to be married off to much older men who have impregnated them, local mother-in-law Cindy Dearborne was overheard muttering to herself Friday that at least someone out there was having a baby. “She may be young, but it’s nice…

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PG&E Makes Amends For Power Outages By Pumping Wires Full Of So Much Electricity That Plugging In Lamp Will Kill You

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 16:13

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to recent criticism by residents frustrated by the planned blackout, Pacific Gas and Electric Company officials vowed Friday to make amends for power outages by pumping wires full of so much electricity that even plugging in a lamp would instantly kill you. “If you want power so bad, we’ll…

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2 Associates Of Giuliani Indicted On Campaign Finance Charges

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 15:49

Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two important witnesses for the ongoing impeachment inquiry, have been arrested on charges related to helping the president’s lawyer Rudolph Giuliani to encourage Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?

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Trump Flees Government Oppression By Relocating Administration To Remote Cabin Compound In Mountains Of Idaho

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 11:35

PRAIRIE, ID—Trading the White House for a few small buildings in a remote wooded area only accessible by ATV, the Trump administration has fled government persecution and retreated to an off-the-grid cabin compound in the Idaho mountains, sources confirmed Friday. “This is the way Americans were meant to live,”…

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Preview: ‘Pokémon Sword and Shield’ Is Sadly Marred By The Addition Of Sponsored Content Pokémon Like Boo Berry, Pep Boy Moe, And Florida Orange

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 11:05

When Pokémon Sword and Shield were first announced earlier this year, there was nothing that seemed more exciting than finally getting our hands on the next installment in this legendary series. Unfortunately, our excitement has been tempered by recent lackluster gameplay videos. And after three hours with both…

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3M Releases Command Self-Adhesive Meat Hooks For Serial Killers Trying To Reduce Clutter

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 10:28

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Touting the product as a revolution in space-saving, 3M released new Command self-adhesive Meat Hooks Friday for the organization-minded serial killers looking to reduce clutter in their lives and workspaces. “Say goodbye to those unsightly piles of corpses and tangles of severed limbs taking up all the…

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Montgomery, Alabama Elects First Black Mayor

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 10:00

Judge Steven Reed has been elected mayor in Montgomery, AL, making him the first black man to attain the office in Alabama’s capital with 67% of the vote in an election that many point to as a pivotal step forward in the city’s lengthy history of civil rights. What do you think?

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Timeline Of The GOP’s Relationship With Trump

The Onion - Fri, 2019-10-11 08:00

The initiation of impeachment proceedings by House Democrats has renewed calls for more Republican leaders to publicly stand up to Trump, as well as driven his most vocal supporters to double down, amid what has been a turbulent relationship between Trump and the party he leads. The Onion looks back at the timeline of…

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Movie Theater Security Reports Suspicious Behavior After Patron Buys Ticket To ‘Gemini Man’

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 17:45

ATLANTA—With the theater on heightened alert for unusual activity, sources confirmed Thursday that security staff at the local Bellwether Cinema 14 reported suspicious behavior on the premises after a patron purchased a ticket to the action-thriller Gemini Man. “From the moment he approached the booth and sought…

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Biden Calls For Trump’s Impeachment

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 15:51

Escalating previous rhetoric railing against the current White House, former Vice President Joe Biden for the first time called for President Donald Trump’s impeachment to “preserve our Constitution, our democracy, [and] our basic integrity.” What do you think?

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Business That Supposedly Considers Itself One Big Family Doesn’t Want Employees Bathing Together

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 15:45

ATLANTA—Protesting what they view as glaring hypocrisy, employees at Liberty Point Insurance said they were disheartened Thursday to learn that despite its repeated claims that they were one big family, the company they work for nonetheless objected to them bathing together. “Well, I suppose all that talk about how…

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PS5 vs. Xbox Project Scarlett: What We Know So Far

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 15:18

With the battle for next-gen supremacy already heating up, it’s never too early to start mulling which console will finally emerge triumphant. Recent rumors put both releases in just over a year, so here’s a definitive comparison to choose which one is right for you.

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Bank Hostages Can’t Believe Police Didn’t Spring For Better Pizza

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 10:30

FRESNO, CA—Carefully maneuvering across the blood-splattered lobby toward the boxes of food, hostages inside a locked-down Wells Fargo whispered amongst themselves Thursday that they couldn’t believe the police didn’t spring for better pizza. “Ugh, thin crust? Are you kidding me? These cops have the entire PD budget…

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Pfizer Unveils New Prescription Medicine To Help Adults Quit Sitting

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 09:30

NEW YORK—Touting the new medication’s ability to assist in cessation of the unhealthy activity, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer unveiled a new prescription medicine Thursday to help adults cut down on and eventually quit the practice of sitting. “We at Pfizer are proud to announce the rollout of SitoDerm, a low-dose…

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3 Scientists Win Nobel Prize For Work On Nature Of Universe

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 09:00

The Nobel Prize in Physics has been awarded to three scientists: James Peebles for his work on cosmological theories that created a framework to understand the universe’s history and Michel Mayor and Didier Queloz for the discovery of the exoplanets outside of our solar system, respectively. What do you think?

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Patriots Bring Up Young Rookie From Practice Squad To Provide Fresh Blood For Tom Brady

The Onion - Thu, 2019-10-10 08:30

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Complimenting the first-year player for providing a valuable contribution to the quarterback’s needs, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick confirmed Wednesday that the team had brought up young rookie Travis Wofford from its practice squad to provide fresh blood for Tom Brady. “He’s been a bit…

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