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The Onion | Bill Bumpus

The Onion

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WEDDINGS: Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do" at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 18:30
Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do' at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.


Categories: The Onion

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 17:30
TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ...


Categories: The Onion

Infographic: 'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 16:00
Last week, the final chapter of Soul Train came to a close when show creator and longtime host Don Cornelius was found dead in his California home. Here are some highlights from the legendary show he created: 1971: Ja...


Categories: The Onion

New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 15:00
PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity.


Categories: The Onion

American Voices: Spanking Doesn't Work

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 12:15
A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive.


Categories: The Onion

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 11:15
NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...


Categories: The Onion

[audio] Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House

The Onion - Thu, 2012-02-09 10:30
Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House


Categories: The Onion

TV Listings: Cryojennifer

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 20:30
CW 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Tonight: The beautiful but absentminded Cryojennifer completely messes up a sales report at work, makes the mistake of questioning her sister's weight, and burns a meal she cooks for her boyfriend, realizing once again that the o...


Categories: The Onion

Letters To The Editor: Cloning Update

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 19:15
Dear The Onion, Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing. Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY


Categories: The Onion

EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living."

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 18:00
EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living."


Categories: The Onion

Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 17:00
BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress.


Categories: The Onion

Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 15:30
Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney


Categories: The Onion

[video] Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 14:00
Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.


Categories: The Onion

American Voices: Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 12:10
A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years.


Categories: The Onion

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 11:05
WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S.


Categories: The Onion

[audio] Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

The Onion - Wed, 2012-02-08 10:30
Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment


Categories: The Onion

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

The Onion - Tue, 2012-02-07 20:30
Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff


Categories: The Onion

WEDDINGS: With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.

The Onion - Tue, 2012-02-07 19:30
With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.


Categories: The Onion

Stockwatch: Toyota (TM)

The Onion - Tue, 2012-02-07 18:45
$75.30 (+$.1.10) (+1.5%) The automaker's shares went up after it announced a deal with Costco in which the warehouse-store chain will carry 20-packs of Camrys.


Categories: The Onion

Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

The Onion - Tue, 2012-02-07 17:15
WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book.


Categories: The Onion
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