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Orca Mother Carries Around Dead Calf For Two Weeks As Warning To All Who Would Defy Her

Mon, 2018-08-13 17:31

FRIDAY HARBOR, WA—Saying that the unusual behavior was in fact a natural expression of the animal’s relationship to both its dead kin and its social environment, experts at the Center for Whale Research held a dockside press conference Monday to confirm that the orca who carried around her dead calf for two weeks did…

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Counter Protesters Far Outnumber White Nationalists At ‘Unite The Right’

Mon, 2018-08-13 16:21

Hundreds of counter-protesters far outnumbered the fewer than 20 people who showed up for the Unite the Right white nationalist rally in Washington, D.C. What do you think?

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Mother Annoyed Son Playing Video Games On Beautiful Day When He Could Go Outside To Kill People

Mon, 2018-08-13 15:41

COLUMBUS, OH—Wishing her child would channel his enthusiasm for virtual reality into real, in-the-flesh human interaction, Annabelle Rund expressed her annoyance Monday that her son Andrew, 14, insisted on spending a beautiful day playing violent video games when he could be outside killing people instead. “The sun is…

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‘Join Email List’ Box Pre-Checked Like Sneaky, Conniving Fucker It Is

Mon, 2018-08-13 15:10

NAPERVILLE, IL—Attempting to hide in plain sight amid a wall of unrelated offers and legal qualifiers, the “Join Email List” box in an automatically generated response email had pre-checked itself like the sneaky, conniving corporate fucker that it is, outbox sources confirmed Monday. “Well, well, well, would you look…

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Trump Condemns White House Staffers’ Use Of Secret Recording Studio

Mon, 2018-08-13 14:03

WASHINGTON—In response to former aide Omarosa Manigault-Newman releasing a conversation between the two of them that he didn’t know was being taped, President Donald Trump reportedly condemned White House staffers’ use of a secret recording studio Monday. “I’m shocked and completely furious that people who I…

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Millions Of White Nationalists Gather In Streets, Offices Around Country To Normally Go About Day

Mon, 2018-08-13 13:52

WASHINGTON—In a massive, simultaneous nationwide demonstration of support for white ethnic supremacy, millions of white nationalists gathered in streets and offices around the United States Monday to go about their normal routines. Proponents of the nativist movement that promotes the racial superiority and purity of…

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Signs Make Upcoming Section Of Road Sound Pretty Badass

Mon, 2018-08-13 13:17

DUBOIS, WY—Noting the sheer volume and severity of the posted warnings, sources confirmed Monday that signs along U.S. Highway 26 made the upcoming section of road sound pretty badass. “Holy shit, looks like we’re in for sharp curves, switchbacks, and falling rocks all within the next five miles,” said Dan McDonnell,…

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There’s Been An Explosion!

Mon, 2018-08-13 11:30
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2018 Election Has Record Number Of Women Nominees

Mon, 2018-08-13 11:18

With 183 female U.S. House nominees and 11 nominees for governorships, the 2018 election will feature the greatest number of female nominees in U.S. history, narrowly beating out the previous record set in 1994. What do you think?

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Unearthed Cave Painting Of Wooly Mammoth, Saber-Tooth Tiger Reveals Humans Have Debated What Things Would Win In A Fight Since 30,000 B.C.

Fri, 2018-08-10 14:02

ARDÈCHE, FRANCE—Saying that the recently discovered figurative art sheds new light on prehistoric speculative conflict, archeologists working at France’s Chauvet-Pont-d’Arc Cave announced Friday the discovery of a 300-century-old painting of an adult European mammoth squaring off against five sabre-toothed tigers.…

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Former Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Under Investigation For Tax Fraud

Fri, 2018-08-10 12:57

Michael Cohen is reportedly under investigation by New York federal prosecutor for tax fraud related to his taxi medallion business. What do you think?

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New Stardew Valley Expansion Allows Player To Shoot Self In Barn After Family Farm Bankrupted By Corporate Agribusiness

Fri, 2018-08-10 12:48

LONDON—While adding multiple new gameplay options and challenging story paths to their retro farming RPG Stardew Valley, developer Chucklefish Limited revealed Friday that an upcoming game expansion would allow players to shoot themselves in the barn after losing their farm to corporate agribusiness. “Stardew Valley’s…

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Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men

Fri, 2018-08-10 12:34

OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. “I haven’t given an ounce of O-positive in 15 years, and I won’t start until the…

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Scouts Highly Doubtful Tim Tebow Will Ever Make It To Heaven

Fri, 2018-08-10 11:43

NEW YORK—Despite the years of effort and success in lower-level religious practice, a group of professional scouts told reporters Friday that they strongly doubt Tim Tebow will ever make it to heaven. “I know he’s put in a lot of prayers and missionary work, but when it comes to getting to heaven, Tebow just doesn’t…

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