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Trump Approval Plunges Amidst Shutdown

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:42

As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?

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Dan Savage Disgusted By Letter From Perverted Reader Contemplating Oral Sex

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:35

SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,” advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous…

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Man Beginning To Worry That Best Meals Already Behind Him

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:17

CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help…

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Queen Elizabeth Watches As Oxen Pull Apart Farmer Who Failed To Provide Yearly Tithe Of Grain

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:11

LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly…

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Nation Celebrates MLK Day

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:03

Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?

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Doctor Weirded Out By Patient She Just Met Providing Every Lurid Detail Of Medical History

Mon, 2019-01-21 11:01

PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out” Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her…

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Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists

Mon, 2019-01-21 10:57

ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by vacationers. “Don’t get me wrong: Tourism dollars have helped the local economy, but the downside is that we have…

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Polar Vortex Splits Into U.S.-Chilling Rings

Sat, 2019-01-19 10:00

The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?

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Michael Cohen Says He Paid To Rig Polls In Trump’s Favor

Fri, 2019-01-18 18:43

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?

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Patriots Score 2 Touchdowns Against Chiefs In Preemptive Strike Before AFC Championship Game

Fri, 2019-01-18 15:22

KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense…

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ICE Launches Campaign To Reunite Immigrant Children With Arresting Officer

Fri, 2019-01-18 15:01

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer. “We intend to extend every effort to find the ICE officer…

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ISS Astronaut Sick Of Sharing Confined Space With Crass, Disgusting Partner From Polaris 8

Fri, 2019-01-18 14:19

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and…

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Fans Shocked After Marie Kondo Reveals She Has Been Dating Untidy Cupboard For Past 6 Months

Fri, 2019-01-18 13:21

BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at the news that the organizing consultant has been dating an untidy kitchen cupboard since July of last year. “I can’t…

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