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Federal Judge Strikes Down Eviction Moratorium

Fri, 2021-05-07 14:00

A federal judge struck down the CDC’s national eviction moratorium established last year to aid those facing economic hardship due to the COVID-19 pandemic, calling it an overreach of power in a ruling that potentially risks millions of Americans losing their homes. What do you think?

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Gasping, Out-Of-Shape Olympians Beg IOC To Postpone Games

Fri, 2021-05-07 12:55

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the event for another summer or two. “Please, esteemed…

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Woman Hoping For Quiet Mother’s Day Doesn’t Want Any Kids This Year

Fri, 2021-05-07 12:55

AUSTIN, TX—In an attempt to keep the occasion low-key, local woman Amanda Suleman told reporters Friday that she was hoping for a quiet Mother’s Day and did not want any kids this year. “I realize it’s tradition to have children for Mother’s Day, but I really don’t need or want any,” said Suleman, adding that while…

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Mother Assures Daughter It Perfectly Natural To Spray Geyser Of Period Blood All Over Classroom

Fri, 2021-05-07 12:15

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period blood all over the classroom. “Honey, I know it can feel so humiliating the first…

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Pros And Cons Of Banning Trump From Social Media Platforms

Fri, 2021-05-07 10:50

Facebook recently upheld a ban on former President Donald Trump from its platform, adding to his previous post-presidency ban from Twitter, prompting debate between proponents and critics of the decision. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of banning Trump from popular social media platforms.

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Ms. Placed Priorities

Fri, 2021-05-07 10:48
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Experts Say Best Depression Treatment Remains Having Coal-Covered Street Urchins Sing About Dancing Troubles Away

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression. “In 90% of cases, the most…

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Tips For Getting Started With ‘Resident Evil: Village’

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

The sequel to this generation’s hottest horror game is finally out, and we couldn’t be more excited to dive into Ethan Winters’s latest adventure. But before we do, here are OGN’s tips and tricks to get you started on playing Resident Evil: Village right!

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Plan To Propose At Tigers Game Scuttled By 13-1 Loss

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

DETROIT—Admitting that the idea may have been doomed from the start, local man Brad Friedberger’s plan to propose at a Detroit Tigers game Friday was scuttled by the team’s 13-1 loss. “I was so nervous and excited, but after they gave up that two-run homer in the second I figured I’d wait until things got a little…

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Celebrity Couples Explain What Made Their Marriages Last

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

If you think maintaining a healthy relationship is hard, try doing it in the limelight. We asked several celebrity couples to explain the secrets of their successful marriages, and here’s what they said.

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Man Shocked To Learn Environmental Impact Of Eating One Hamburger While Driving Bulldozer Through The Amazon

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

MANAUS, PERU—Citing concerns such as carbon emissions and deforestation, area man Pete Weingardt was reportedly shocked Friday after learning about the environmental impact of eating a single hamburger while driving a bulldozer through the Amazon. “You don’t really think about the consequences, but even something as…

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‘Tiger King’ Star Launches Cat-Themed Cryptocurrency

Fri, 2021-05-07 08:00

Tiger King star Carole Baskin has launched a new cat-themed digital currency called $CAT, which allows fans to buy merchandise or online experiences from her Florida animal sanctuary. What do you think?

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U.S. Gives Developing Countries 60 Seconds With Vaccine Patents To Memorize Everything They Can

Thu, 2021-05-06 14:20

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic abroad, the U.S. reportedly gave developing countries 60 seconds with patents for the vaccine Thursday to memorize everything they can. “No pens, no paper—just you, your brains, and a minute on the clock,” said U.S. Trade Representative Katherine Tai, who…

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Arena DJ Overwhelmed By Godlike Power After Getting Fans To Snap Along To ‘Addams Family’ Theme Song On Command

Thu, 2021-05-06 14:15

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he was unsure how to harness his new abilities, Wells Fargo Center DJ Levi Ellington was overwhelmed Thursday by his godlike power after getting fans to snap along to The Addams Family theme song on command. “They clap when I say clap, they stomp when I say stomp, what won’t they do?” said…

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Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension

Thu, 2021-05-06 13:59

Facebook’s oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the Capitol riot, but ordered Facebook to decide a determinate penalty. What do you think?

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U.S. Under Pressure To Suspend Marvel IP So Developing Nations Can Create Own Wolverines

Thu, 2021-05-06 13:55

WASHINGTON—Urged to take extraordinary measures in the face of a global crisis, the U.S. was under increasing pressure Thursday to suspend Marvel intellectual property so developing nations could create their own Wolverines. “This is a desperately needed resource, and America has a moral imperative to share its…

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‘Care To Explain?’ Ask Conservative Parents After Finding Vaccine Card In Son’s Underwear Drawer

Thu, 2021-05-06 13:00

BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if he’d care to explain why there was a vaccine card hidden in his underwear drawer. “So, is there anything in particular that you’d like to tell us—or did you…

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Mark Zuckerberg Asks Facebook Oversight Board To Rule On Whether Argument Wife’s Fault

Thu, 2021-05-06 12:55

MENLO PARK, CA—Stressing that the issue was out of his hands and far beyond the scope of topics he was equipped to address, Mark Zuckerberg asked the Facebook Oversight Board Thursday to rule on whether the argument he’d had with his wife was her fault. “After months of strife and heated discussions within the…

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Friend In Long-Term Relationship Announces She Wouldn’t Even Be Able To Figure Out Extremely Simple Premise Of Dating App If She Tried

Thu, 2021-05-06 12:05

OKEMOS, MI—Claiming she would be absolutely clueless if she were single and had to navigate such a complicated system, local woman Ashley Rice, a friend in a long-term relationship, announced Thursday she would not be able to figure out the extremely simple premise of a dating app if she tried. “So wait, you look at…

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