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- Global: Nurse union leaders from around the world demand governments address health impacts of the climate crisis
- Global: Investors with more than US$2.2 tn in assets launch global network focused on workers’ rights
- Global: COP28: Trade unions call for a labour-inclusive Just Transition
- Canada: Here’s why union support is so high right now
- Bangladesh: Disastrous Outcome on Wages Made Worse by the Price Workers Are Paying for Speaking out
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The Onion
Some States To Begin Teaching Cursive In Schools Again
Some states like California are beginning to teach cursive to elementary school students for the first time in a decade, a move that supporters say will allow future generations to read historical documents, strengthen childrens’ fine motor skills, and also help teachers authenticate individual students’ work. What do …
Rep. George Santos Faces Expulsion From Congress
Rep. George Santos (R-NY) faces a another motion to expel him from Congress this week following a House Ethics Committee report that found “substantial evidence” that he broke federal laws, including deceiving his donors, filing false campaign finance statements, and using campaign funds for personal expenses…
Biden Addresses Nation: ‘Does Anyone Else Ever Feel Like They’re Floating Through A Dream They Can Never Wake Up From?’
WASHINGTON—Speaking from the Oval Office, President Joe Biden addressed the nation Wednesday, stating, “Does anyone else ever feel like they’re floating through a dream they can never wake up from?” “As your president and commander-in-chief, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes, I don’t even feel like a…
Ugh, Circumcision The Religious Kind
This is a developing story. Please check theonion.com for more.
Study Finds Belly Fat Linked To Increased Risk Of Being Blown Raspberries
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following comprehensive, long-term research into the dangers of excess abdominal girth, a Harvard University study published Wednesday found that belly fat was associated with an increased risk of being blown raspberries. “We tracked more than 500 adults over the course of a decade and observed a…
Conservative Men Explain How They Are Raising Daughters
The only thing more terrifying than having a child is having a child that’s not born a straight white male. The Onion asked conservative men how they are coping with the tragedy of having to raise a daughter, and this is what they said.
Every Table At Local Applebee’s Populated By Different Militia
JACKSON, MI—With camouflage-clad members gathered in corner booths and at high-tops throughout the restaurant, sources confirmed Wednesday that every table at a local Applebee’s was populated by a different militia. “Yeah, so those are the Boogaloo Boys at table 3, Michigan Home Guard over near the door, and then…
BP Apologizes For Thinking Oil Would Look Cool Spilled Into Ocean Like It Does In Puddles
HOUSTON, TX—Taking accountability for a massive spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP released a statement Wednesday apologizing for thinking that oil would look as cool spilled into the ocean as it does in puddles. “We thought the light would hit it and make it all cool and iridescent like it does on the side of the…
Merriam-Webster Names ‘Authentic’ Word Of The Year
The Merriam-Webster dictionary named the word “authentic” as its 2023 word of the year, with the word being among the year’s most searched and many contrasting its definition with the rise of AI usage in everyday life. What do you think?
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
Facing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country’s leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.
Biden Campaign Imperiled By Really Scratchy Blanket That Makes It Hard For President To Sleep
WASHINGTON—Following an investigation into the candidate’s lackluster poll numbers, President Biden’s campaign has traced the source of the Democratic incumbent’s troubles to a really scratchy blanket that makes it hard for him to sleep, according to a copy of an internal memo obtained Tuesday by reporters. “All of…
Naïve Woman Asking About Boyfriend’s Video Game Has No Idea Dark Precedent She’s Set
PLANO, TX—Unwittingly condemning herself to a devastating fate, local naïve woman Amita Collins reportedly asked a question Tuesday about the video game her boyfriend was playing, having no idea of the dark precedent she had just set. “This poor fool doesn’t realize she has encouraged her boyfriend to hold forth on a…
British Museum Under Pressure To Return Looted Hello Kitty Phone Case To Mall Kiosk
LONDON—Facing numerous calls for the institution to finally make amends for historical wrongs, the British Museum was under pressure Tuesday to return a looted Hello Kitty phone case to a mall kiosk. “It is long past time for the British Museum to atone for its sins and return this novelty Hello Kitty phone case to…
Facebook Announces Human Trafficking Now Allowed On Marketplace
MENLO PARK, CA—Saying the platform had been streamlined to better serve its billions of users, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Tuesday that human trafficking was now allowed on Facebook Marketplace. “Starting today, any user over 18 years old can buy, sell, and trade people on Facebook,” Zuckerberg said as he…
Dad Really Letting Newfound Fame From Nextdoor Coyote Post Go To His Head
WOODSIDE, CA—Noting that he had gotten too big for his britches since he uploaded the photo, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Brian Flannery was really letting his newfound fame from a Nextdoor coyote post go to his head. “Seriously, he gets 14 likes on a blurry, zoomed-in picture he took of a coyote on his…
Daryl Hall Granted Temporary Restraining Order Against John Oates
A private legal battle between the members of pop duo Hall & Oates has led to Daryl Hall filing an undisclosed complaint against bandmate John Oates, resulting in a restraining order that will go into effect against Oates on Nov. 30. What do you think?
Cyber Monday Sales Expected To Hit Record High
According to a new survey from Deloitte, shoppers plan to spend an average of $567 between Black Friday and Cyber Monday this year, with 40% reporting that they’re hitting the sales to try to get around rising prices. What do you think?
Vacationing Mom Taking Almost Pornographic Pleasure In Missing Bad Weather Back Home
BOCA RATON, FL—Letting out several deep moans as she remarked upon the terrible winter storm battering the Midwest, local mom Carrie Whittacker, currently on vacation in southern Florida, reportedly took an almost pornographic pleasure Monday in missing the bad weather back home. “Oh my, they’re really getting…
George Santos: ‘I Am Just A Little Girl Trapped At The Bottom Of A Well’
WASHINGTON—Staring down a likely expulsion from the House of Representatives, Rep. George Santos (R-NY) told reporters “I am just a little girl trapped at the bottom of a well” on Monday. “I was trying to get my beloved dolly Mildred back, but when I leaned over, I fell in too,” the embattled congressman said from his…