The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 11 hours 53 min ago

Joe Kennedy Dodges Crashing Planes, Swerving Cars After Announcing Campaign For Senate

Sat, 2019-09-21 09:40

BOSTON—Moments after announcing plans to mount a 2020 challenge to Ed Markey for his Massachusetts Senate seat, Representative Joe Kennedy III was forced Saturday to dodge crashing planes, swerving cars, and a tumbling stampede of rolling concrete tubes all seemingly charging in his direction. “I believe this state is…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Audubon Society President Spends Another Morning In Attic Feeding Nation’s 2.9 Billion Missing Birds

Fri, 2019-09-20 17:17

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Justin Trudeau Apologizes For Brownface Photos From 2001

Fri, 2019-09-20 15:37

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Ni No Kuni’: Remastering Done Right, But Gameplay Is Marred By My Newborn Son’s Constant Screaming

Fri, 2019-09-20 14:39

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Overwhelmed Dolphins GM Asks Players To Please Use Automated Email Form When Making Trade Requests

Fri, 2019-09-20 12:33

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Rookie Forest Ranger Not Getting Hopes Up About Seeing Tree On First Day

Fri, 2019-09-20 12:15

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Merriam-Webster Adds Nonbinary ‘They’ To Dictionary

Fri, 2019-09-20 09:00

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

NFL Pre-emptively Adds Whatever Bullshit Gronk Hawking To Banned Substance List

Fri, 2019-09-20 08:30

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The 25th Anniversary Of ‘Friends’

Fri, 2019-09-20 08:00

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Justin Trudeau Responds To Blackface Criticism With New ‘Triggered?’ Campaign Slogan

Thu, 2019-09-19 14:35

OTTAWA—Following the release of images that reveal the head of government wore blackface and brownface on multiple occasions, Canadian head of government Justin Trudeau responded to criticism Thursday with a new campaign ad in which the slogan “Triggered?” appears on screen as he dabs his face with burnt cork. “Oh,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

White House Strips California Of Auto Emissions Waiver

Thu, 2019-09-19 14:00

The White House has revoked California’s right to set its own vehicle emissions standards and banned other states from setting similar rules in a move that would likely increase carbon emissions from transportation but will almost certainly face legal challenges. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Grandmother Contracts Herpes 5 Minutes After Checking Into Nursing Home

Thu, 2019-09-19 13:56

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pompeo To Increase Bombing In Afghanistan After Figuring They’ll Miss And Hit Iran At Some Point

Thu, 2019-09-19 13:22

WASHINGTON—Explaining how human error or inaccuracy of the weaponry should eventually produce the desired result, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo reportedly ordered the military Thursday to increase bombing in Afghanistan after figuring that they’ll miss and hit Iran at some point. “I am ordering a sustained bombing…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pope Francis Tells Sinner Risky Experimental Sacrament Only Thing Capable Of Saving Him

Thu, 2019-09-19 11:00

VATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope Francis told a sinner Thursday that a risky experimental sacrament was the only thing capable of saving him. “At such an advanced stage and with sins this mortal, I’d put the odds of saving your soul at…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Netflix Acquires Global Streaming Rights For ‘Seinfeld’

Thu, 2019-09-19 10:30

In a major acquisition for the streaming giant, Netflix announced that it has acquired the rights to the popular sitcom Seinfeld, which will bring all 180 episodes of the sitcom to the company starting in 2021. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Escalator Handrail Scorching Hot

Thu, 2019-09-19 10:00
Categories: The Onion

Holy Shit, Toddler Just Face-Planted Right Onto Sidewalk

Thu, 2019-09-19 09:30

BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right onto the sidewalk. “Oh, Jesus, he was walking fine and then—bam—down he went,” said onlooker Danielle Roper, who watched as local toddler Lucas Novich tripped…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Onion’s 2019 Emmy Predictions

Thu, 2019-09-19 09:00
Categories: The Onion