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Mueller Ready To Deliver Major Parts Of Findings After Midterms

Sat, 2018-10-20 13:36

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is expected to issue findings on core aspects of his Russia probe soon after the midterm elections, including addressing questions of collusion and obstruction of justice. What do you think?

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Manny Machado Denies Playing Dirty After Late Slide Into Pitcher’s Mound

Fri, 2018-10-19 20:50

MILWAUKEE—Emphasizing he was not going to apologize for playing hard, Los Angeles Dodgers shortstop Manny Machado denied that he was a dirty player after a late slide into Corey Knebel on the pitcher’s mound. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, that was just a normal spikes-first dive into someone’s shin at the pitcher’s…

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Trump Has Raised Over $100 Million For Reelection Campaign

Fri, 2018-10-19 16:14

President Donald Trump’s reelection campaign has received more than $106 million for his bid for reelection in 2020, new Federal Election Commission reports show. What do you think?

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Study Finds Over 5 Million Birds Die Annually From Head-On Collisions With Clouds

Fri, 2018-10-19 15:29

STORRS, CT—Shedding considerable light on a previously mystifying aspect of accidental avian death, a new study from the University of Connecticut has found that direct frontal impacts with clouds kill over 5 million birds every year. “Our observations, some of them quite harrowing, demonstrate that controlled,…

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FAA Study Finds 64% Of Engine Failures Caused By Henchman Being Kicked Into Turbine

Fri, 2018-10-19 14:24

WASHINGTON—Confirming the link between emergency landings and high-stakes brawls on an airplane’s wing, the Federal Aviation Administration released a new study Friday claiming that 64 percent of all jetliner engine failures are caused by henchmen being kicked into the planes’ turbines. “Our data revealed that nearly…

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Mirena Releases New 10-Blade IntraUterine Sperm Shredder

Fri, 2018-10-19 13:26

BOSTON—Hailing the new product as the future of non-hormonal birth control, Mirena announced Friday that it had released the world’s first 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder. “Mirena’s 30-mm stainless steel sperm shredder is designed to chop gametes into a microscopic spray the second they enter the female uterus,”…

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Bearded, Keffiyeh-Clad Jared Kushner Avoids Conflict Of Interest By Joining Saudi Royal Family

Fri, 2018-10-19 12:37

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In an effort to be completely transparent about his business deals, a bearded, keffiyeh-clad Jared Kushner announced Friday that he would avoid conflicts of interest by joining the Saudi royal family. “The American people deserve to know exactly where I stand in regards to financial interests, so…

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Timeline Of The U.S. Supreme Court

Fri, 2018-10-19 12:28

The highly controversial recent confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court marks an especially divisive moment in the history of America’s judicial branch. The Onion takes a look at the most pivotal moments in the Supreme Court’s 229-year history.

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KIND Bar CEO Admits They Just Sort Of Find The Bars Like That

Fri, 2018-10-19 11:38

NEW YORK—Providing insight into the process by which the company creates its wildly successful line of health-oriented snacks, KIND Bar CEO Daniel Lubetzky admitted Friday that company personnel “just sort of find the bars like that.” “Our factory isn’t so much a traditional production facility as it is a…

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‘You Are All Inside Amazon’s Second Headquarters,’ Jeff Bezos Announces To Horrified Americans As Massive Dome Envelops Nation

Fri, 2018-10-19 11:15

SEATTLE—After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation Friday as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.

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Heaven Can't Wait

Fri, 2018-10-19 10:42
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If Any Autistic Kids Are Tryna Go To Prom With Me, I’d Be More Than Happy To Do That Shit (By Logan Paul)

Fri, 2018-10-19 10:03

Yo, for real? All over the world, there are people with fucked-up problems about them. It especially bums me out when I see kids with disorders and diseases so wild n’ out that they’re unable to grow up living a Maverick lifestyle, like myself and millions of my fans in the Logang do. This is why I want to give back,…

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Thom Yorke Admits Vast Majority Of Musical Output Fueled By Constant Fear Of Being One-Upped By Coldplay

Thu, 2018-10-18 17:34

OXFORD, ENGLAND—In an uncharacteristically frank and revelatory discussion of his inspirations and creative process, Radiohead frontman and solo artist Thom Yorke admitted Thursday that the vast majority of music he makes is fueled solely by the constant fear of being one-upped by British rock band Coldplay. “When I…

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Sprinter Feels Like An Idiot After Finding Out About Jogging

Thu, 2018-10-18 17:09

TULSA, OK—Wondering why nobody bothered to tell him about the far easier alternative this whole time, sprinter Eric Powell admitted Thursday that he feels like a total idiot after finding out about jogging. “Jesus, I can’t believe I’ve been working my ass off, pushing myself to run as fast as humanly possible when I…

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Judge Denies Manafort Request To Wear Suit In Court

Thu, 2018-10-18 15:43

A federal district court judge denied Paul Manafort’s request to wear a suit in court, saying he should wear prison garb just like any other defendant post-conviction. What do you think?

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Lottery Ticket Holder Has Already Spent $900 Million In Anticipation Of Winning Big Prize

Thu, 2018-10-18 14:41

HINSDALE, IL—Saying the money was already burning a hole in his pocket, lottery ticket holder Frank Cantrell confirmed Thursday that he had preemptively spent $900 million in anticipation of winning the Mega Millions jackpot. “Maybe I got ahead of myself with the yacht and helicopter purchases, but after this weekend…

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Yankee Candle Clarifies That Product Only Intended To Be Dripped On Balls

Thu, 2018-10-18 13:26

SOUTH DEERFIELD, MA—Offering sincere apologies to customers for the misunderstanding, Yankee Candle clarified Thursday that their product has only ever been intended to be dripped on testicles. “I guess we could have put some sort of instructions on the label, but we assumed everyone already knew they were for melting…

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Embarrassed CDC Announces It Accidentally Switched Flu Shots With HIV

Thu, 2018-10-18 13:24

ATLANTA—Informing the more than 150 million Americans affected by the error that the mistake was “totally our bad,” embarrassed officials from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that they had accidentally switched all 2018 flu shots with samples of HIV. “Oh, god, we really and truly…

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