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Updated: 2 hours 17 min ago

Italian Police ID Man Who Broke Toes Off 200-Year-Old Statue

3 hours 9 min ago

Police in Possagno, Italy say they have identified an Austrian man who accidentally broke three toes off a plaster model used by Neoclassical sculptor Antonio Canova while posing on the artwork for a photo, though the local court is still deciding whether to press charges. What do you think?

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Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange

Fri, 2020-08-07 16:05

NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus, market reports confirmed Friday the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed nearly 400 points after the novel coronavirus began trading on the New York Stock Exchange. “Following its initial public offering, this…

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New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA

Fri, 2020-08-07 15:02

New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve the National Rifle Association, alleging years of financial misconduct and corruption as the non-profit group’s leaders illegally enriched themselves. What do you think?

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Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others

Fri, 2020-08-07 15:00

KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the imagination of anyone within earshot of his completely obnoxious natural voice. According to several bystanders who pleaded guilty to stabbing, bludgeoning,…

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Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball

Fri, 2020-08-07 12:50

BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball. “We were all horrified by the accident, but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a few…

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The Onion’s Guide To QAnon

Fri, 2020-08-07 10:54

The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown, and several of its adherents are running for office across the country. But what is QAnon, exactly? The Onion breaks down the conspiracy theory with its guide to QAnon.

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‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat

Fri, 2020-08-07 09:00

CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear God, run” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar. “For Christ’s sake, I’ll hold it back, but get out of here while you…

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NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun

Fri, 2020-08-07 08:53

The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.

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Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic

Fri, 2020-08-07 08:39

New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat, eggs, vegetables, and other staples have increased by up to 20% since February, in part due to a surge in demand for groceries and disruptions to the supply chain due to the pandemic. What do you think?

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Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor

Thu, 2020-08-06 15:40

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok. What do you think?

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U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One

Thu, 2020-08-06 15:40

WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America. “We would have been glad to help them out, but…

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Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her

Thu, 2020-08-06 15:22

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll give it a shot,” said Obama, who decided to buy an audio book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting to boost her…

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Aching Desire For One True Love Separated By Fate Still No Match For A Good Porkin’

Thu, 2020-08-06 13:35

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly…

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Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers

Thu, 2020-08-06 12:59

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately.

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Orkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species

Thu, 2020-08-06 12:50

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian…

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Timeline Of Mars Explorations

Thu, 2020-08-06 12:27
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