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Updated: 13 hours 59 min ago

So-Called ‘Flash Sale’ May Have Been Strategized Weeks In Advance

Tue, 2020-02-25 08:00

IRVINE, CA— Painstakingly assembling clues from a series of advertisements rolled out over the course of a month, budget-minded consumer Bruce Brown, 52, declared Tuesday that he had evidence proving a so-called “flash sale” at a local department store had, in fact, been strategized to several weeks in advance.…

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Scientists Use Artificial Intelligence To Discover New Antibiotics

Mon, 2020-02-24 18:19

MIT scientists have developed a machine-learning computer algorithm to identify new and more powerful molecules capable of killing so-called superbugs or bacteria that is resistant to common antibiotics. What do you think?

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Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

Mon, 2020-02-24 17:35

AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of…

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Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment

Mon, 2020-02-24 17:03

Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.

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Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

Mon, 2020-02-24 16:36

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for…

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Trump Visits India

Mon, 2020-02-24 15:34

President Trump departed Sunday for a two-day visit to India, where he will take part in a rally with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, visit the Taj Mahal, and attend a state banquet in Delhi. What do you think?

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Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus

Mon, 2020-02-24 14:05

ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past…

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U.S. Unveils Plan For Rest Of World To Become Carbon-Neutral By 2030

Mon, 2020-02-24 10:15

WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level, the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030. “Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods, which is why we have taken the unprecedented…

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Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. Du Bois’ War Zeppelin

Mon, 2020-02-24 10:00

WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities, the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S. Crisis, W.E.B. Du Bois’ war zeppelin. “Looking at this afro-futurist…

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Pathetic: This Gamer Who Got Shot 3 Times Went To A Hospital Instead Of Just Crouching Behind Cover For 10 Seconds

Mon, 2020-02-24 09:55

Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times…

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Concerned Baby Starting To Worry Lethargic, Distant Mom Not Suffering From Postpartum Depression At All

Mon, 2020-02-24 09:52

SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia,…

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Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy

Fri, 2020-02-21 17:39

Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?

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Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

Fri, 2020-02-21 17:15

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long…

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Pete Alonso Asks Teammates Whether They’d All Rather Sign Up For Volleyball This Year

Fri, 2020-02-21 17:08

NEW YORK—Citing the group’s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball, New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they’d all rather sign up for volleyball this year. “We’ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now, but everyone gets…

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Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person

Fri, 2020-02-21 17:07

It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?

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