The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 4 hours 56 min ago

Men Rushing To Get Vasectomies After Supreme Court Overturns Roe v. Wade

Fri, 2022-07-01 14:52

Urologists say that men are rushing to get vasectomies in the wake of abortion bans in several states, with some clinics seeing a 300% to 400% spike in people looking to receive consultations for the reversible male sterilization procedure. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

What To Know About Cassidy Hutchinson And Her January 6 Testimony

Fri, 2022-07-01 13:49

Cassidy Hutchinson, an aide to then-President Trump’s chief of staff, Mark Meadows, testified this week before the House committee investigating the January 6 riots, offering new information about the actions of Trump and his inner circle that day. The Onion answers crucial questions about who Cassidy Hutchinson is…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

NASA Announces Plan To Put Moon On Mars By 2040

Fri, 2022-07-01 11:45

WASHINGTON—Saying the ambitious new project would be a historic, once-in-a-generation leap forward in the annals of space exploration, NASA announced Friday its plan to put the moon on Mars by 2040. “Ever since we first sent a man to the moon half a century ago, the American people have been waiting for us to take the…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

New Documentary Footage Confirms Long-Held Theory That Flowers Hunt At Night

Fri, 2022-07-01 11:45

LOS ANGELES—In stunning footage that for the first time reveals the full range of the plant kingdom’s nocturnal behaviors, a new documentary released Friday has confirmed the long-held theory that flowers obtain their food by hunting at night. “We’ve always suspected that flowers stalk their prey when its dark and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Adamant He’d Be Better Political Prisoner Than Brittney Griner

Fri, 2022-07-01 07:15

HESPERIA, CA—Declaring there were just some areas in which men would always be superior to women, local man Ryan Neves adamantly told reporters Friday he would be a much better political prisoner than WNBA star Brittney Griner. “No offense to her, but if I were being held captive by a foreign government, I’d be better…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Taco Bell Testing New Menu Items With Oversized Cheez-It

Fri, 2022-07-01 06:45

Taco Bell is testing new menu items, the Big Cheez-It Tostada and Big Cheez-It Crunch Wrap Supreme, which both feature an oversized Cheez-It cracker 16 times the size of a regular Cheez-It, in the hopes of replicating the success of the restaurant’s Dorito shells. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Nation Unable To Enjoy Baseball Without Dozens Of Pitchers Hitting .124

Fri, 2022-07-01 06:30

LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Lamenting that it would never again be able to relish the game as it was intended, the nation reportedly admitted Friday that it was unable to enjoy baseball without dozens of pitchers hitting .124. “How am I supposed to find these games interesting without the ninth batter being some overmatched…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Firefighter Disarmed Of Hose Grabs Squirt Gun From Ankle Holster

Fri, 2022-07-01 06:15

COOS BAY, OR—Stumbling backward as he lost his main weapon, then reaching for his pant leg, a firefighter disarmed of his hose grabbed a squirt gun from his ankle holster to continue battling the flames around him, sources confirmed Friday. “You thought you had me!” the quick-thinking firefighter was heard to yell as…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Supreme Court Casually Mentions Nation Now Divided Into Six Provinces Ruled By Conservative Justices

Thu, 2022-06-30 15:20

WASHINGTON—In a tangential footnote appended to its 6-3 decision in West Virginia v. Environmental Protection Agency, the Supreme Court casually declared Thursday that the nation had been divided into six provinces, each of which would be ruled by a Republican-appointed justice. “The court hereby decrees that the six…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Justice Breyer Officially Retires

Thu, 2022-06-30 15:18

Justice Stephen Breyer notified the White House that his retirement will be effective today at noon Eastern time, paving the way for Ketanji Brown Jackson to be sworn in as Supreme Court Justice on the conservative-majority court. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Elmo Receives Vasectomy In PSA On Preventing Unwanted Pregnancies

Thu, 2022-06-30 13:35

NEW YORK—In an effort to raise awareness of the medical procedure after the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade, Sesame Workshop released a public service announcement Thursday on preventing unwanted pregnancies that featured Elmo receiving a vasectomy. “There was a little pinch, but that was okay,” said Elmo,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Amy Coney Barrett Worried Rest Of Feminist Book Club Mad At Her

Thu, 2022-06-30 13:00

WASHINGTON—Noting a palpable shift in the group’s attitude since the last time they met, Supreme Court justice Amy Coney Barrett expressed concern Thursday that the rest of the women in her feminist book club were mad at her about something. “Everyone keeps giving me the cold shoulder, and I can’t for the life of me…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

Thu, 2022-06-30 07:56

While Independence Day can be a time of patriotic celebration, reports show many Americans still believe myths and outright lies about the origins of the national holiday. Here are the biggest lies Americans are taught about the Fourth of July.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Completely Legal Reasons Pharmacists Can Use To Refuse Birth Control

Thu, 2022-06-30 07:15

In most U.S. states, pharmacists are legally allowed to deny healthcare to customers if it interferes with their personal or religious beliefs. Here are completely legal reasons pharmacists can give to refuse dispensing birth control.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Airbnb Banning Party Houses Permanently

Thu, 2022-06-30 07:00

Airbnb is permanently banning all parties and events at host properties around the world, which includes open-invite gatherings, while offering a tip line that allows neighbors or others to report parties. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion