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Updated: 42 min 43 sec ago

Trump Claims He Tried To Warn Public About Epstein By Praising Him As A Terrific Guy

Mon, 2019-07-15 18:43

WASHINGTON—Noting multiple occasions when he had applauded the disgraced hedge fund manager’s affable personality, President Donald Trump claimed Monday that he tried to warn the public about Jeffrey Epstein’s behavior by praising him as a terrific guy. “From day one, I was clearly trying to send a message to you…

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Amazon Workers Attempting Walkout Enter 7th Hour Wandering In Ever-Expanding, Labyrinthian Warehouse

Mon, 2019-07-15 16:29

SHAKOPEE, MN—Bursting through a set of doors only to discover yet another windowless stockroom stretching out ahead of them, Amazon workers attempting a walkout Monday entered the seventh hour of wandering an ever-expanding, labyrinthian warehouse. “The strike was supposed to start at 9 a.m., but when we attempted to…

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Remorseful Beto O’Rourke Admits His Family Responsible For My Lai Massacre, Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire

Mon, 2019-07-15 16:06

EL PASO, TX—Following on the heels of an announcement that he and his wife were the descendants of slave-owners, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke went further Monday by admitting that members of his family were responsible for the My Lai Massacre as well as the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. “The…

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Exhausted Amazon Customer Forced To Piss In Bottle While Browsing Prime Day Deals

Mon, 2019-07-15 15:46

NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours…

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HPV Vaccine Benefits May Lead To Cervical Cancer Elimination

Mon, 2019-07-15 13:54

A new study found the HPV vaccine has outperformed the expectations of doctors due to its ability to prevent the HPV-related illnesses, even in those without vaccination, raising hopes of eliminating cervical cancer entirely. What do you think?

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Sorry, We Couldn’t Find Anything Good: 7 Absolutely Dogshit Facts About Robin Williams

Mon, 2019-07-15 13:30

There are tons of interesting facts about legendary actor and comedian Robin Williams, but this isn’t where you’re going to find them. We know these seven facts about Robin Williams are utter dogshit, and we do apologize. We’ll try better next time.

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Man’s Existential Terror About Country’s Slide Towards Authoritarianism Sublimated Into Campaign To Get Journalist Fired For Tweet

Mon, 2019-07-15 11:33

DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential terror about the United States’ continued descent into authoritarianism Monday by launching a campaign to get a journalist fired for an insensitive tweet. “This type of…

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BREAKING: Oh My God, You Killed Her

Mon, 2019-07-15 10:49

MIAMI—As you gaze incredulously down at the body on the floor and the horror of what you just did begins to dawn on you, eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed Monday that oh my God, you—you killed her! “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! She’s dead!” stunned bystanders could be heard exclaiming over the sudden wail of the…

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Department Of Interior Sets Aside Portion Of Florida Beachfront As National ‘Wild Things’ Preserve

Mon, 2019-07-15 10:28

WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their…

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‘It’s Not So Bad,’ Mike Pence Reports On Conditions Of Detainment Center While Hazmat Suit Disinfected

Fri, 2019-07-12 16:01

MCALLEN, TX—Appearing calm and composed after completing a tour of a migrant detention center, Vice President Mike Pence assured reporters Friday that conditions within the border camp were “not so bad” while workers sprayed down his hazmat suit with disinfectant. “After spending two hours inside this facility, both…

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Jeffrey Epstein Offers Court $32 Million Child Pornography Collection As Bail

Fri, 2019-07-12 14:25

NEW YORK—In an attempt to strike a deal that would allow him to stay out of jail while he awaits trial, alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein offered the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan a prospective bail package Friday that included a child pornography collection valued at $32 million. “In exchange for…

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An Important Message: This Man With A Top Hat And Twisty Mustache Is Visiting Schools Warning Students About The Dangers Of Piloting Hot Air Balloons Under The Influence Of Dr. Fixit’s Vigor-Inducing Delousing Tonic And Quaffable Cure-All

Fri, 2019-07-12 13:00

It’s a dangerous world out there, but one intrepid educator is going around the country to make sure our nation’s youth enter that world prepared: This man with a top hat and twisty mustache is visiting schools to warn students about the dangers of piloting hot air balloons while under the influence of Dr. Fixit’s…

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Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb

Fri, 2019-07-12 13:00

WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Alexander Acosta as Secretary of Labor marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than three months, a worried populace told reporters Friday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb. “Jesus, we can’t just take back…

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National Park Service Releases Detailed Guide On What Visitors Should Do Upon Encountering Squirrel

Fri, 2019-07-12 12:43

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to educate and prepare the public for crossing the path of the ubiquitous rodents, the U. S. National Park Service released a detailed guide Friday advising visitors on what they should do if they encounter a squirrel. “We’ve published a step-by-step guide urging guests to remain…

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Shameful: Salman Rushdie Used His Blurb For This Young Author’s Debut Novel To Advertise A Speedboat He’s Trying To Sell

Fri, 2019-07-12 10:25

For a new author, getting a blurb on the cover of your debut novel from an established and well-respected writer can be an incredible honor that rockets your book to the top of the bestseller list. Unfortunately, it looks like one highly acclaimed author has used his invitation to write a book blurb for completely…

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