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Kim Kardashian Vows To Never Forget Incredible Publicity She Shared With Pete

Tue, 2022-08-09 13:22

LOS ANGELES—Claiming she would cherish the headlines they made together for the rest of her life, reality TV star Kim Kardashian vowed Tuesday to never forget the incredible publicity she shared with Saturday Night Live alumnus Pete Davidson. “The last nine months were some of the most widely publicized of my entire…

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Parent Fact: Did You Know?

Tue, 2022-08-09 11:06
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Republican Senators Explain Why They Opposed The Climate Bill

Tue, 2022-08-09 08:59

“Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”

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Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com

Tue, 2022-08-09 07:30

NEW YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last moments on Earth telling friends and family that he wished he had spent more time going to TheOnion.com. “As I lie here, knowing my end is drawing near, I can’t help but…

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Intimacy Coordinator Hired For Set Of ‘Hard Knocks’ To Ensure Safe Environment For Tackling

Tue, 2022-08-09 07:15

ALLEN PARK, MI—In an effort to provide more support to the athletes during the most difficult parts of filming, the producers of Hard Knocks announced Tuesday they had hired an intimacy coordinator for the set of the show to ensure a safe environment for tackling. “Having an intimacy coordinator working closely with…

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Diner Menu Suggests They’re Open To Trying Anything Customer Wants To Do To An Egg

Tue, 2022-08-09 07:00

PITTSBURGH—Hinting that there were plenty of ways to satisfy one’s breakfast cravings beyond what was listed, a menu reportedly suggested Tuesday that the local Bluebonnet Diner was open to trying anything the customer wanted to do to an egg, with “nothing out of bounds.” “Look, whatever you’re into when it comes to…

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Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India

Tue, 2022-08-09 06:45

LONDON—In its most significant acknowledgement yet of the British Empire’s well-documented appropriation of cultural relics, sources reported Tuesday that Great Britain returned the looted Stonehenge monument back to India. “This ancient relic of Indian culture was wrongfully dismantled, placed upon ships by the…

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U.S. Developing Tactical Bra For Female Soldiers

Tue, 2022-08-09 06:30

The U.S. army is developing an Army Tactical Brassiere for female soldiers, with designers considering flame-retardant fabrics and protective materials, while also taking into account the importance of accurate sizing. What do you think?

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New Public Safety Campaign Dissuades Mass Shooters With Reminder That They’re Kind Of An Obvious Choice Now

Tue, 2022-08-09 06:00

NEW YORK—In an effort to tamp down on the gun violence epidemic, a new public safety campaign launched Tuesday by Everytown for Gun Safety will attempt to dissuade mass shooters with a reminder that they’re kind of an obvious choice at this point. “Our ‘Been There Done That’ campaign is a way to remind potential…

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Study Suggests Eating Jarlsberg Cheese Daily May Help Stave Off Osteoporosis

Mon, 2022-08-08 15:36

A new study has found that Jarlsberg, a mild Swiss-type cheese made from cow’s milk that’s rich in vitamin K2, may help to prevent bone thinning and stave off osteoporosis. What do you think?

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Georgia Allowing ‘Unborn Children’ To Be Claimed As Dependents On State Taxes

Mon, 2022-08-08 11:31

Georgia has announced that residents can now claim an unborn child as a dependent on state taxes, saying any residents filing their 2022 tax returns who had fetuses with detectable heartbeats at six weeks of pregnancy can claim an exemption of $3,000. What do you think?

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Americans Explain Why They Refuse To Return To The Office

Mon, 2022-08-08 11:12

The Covid-19 pandemic shook up office life in ways both good and bad, ushering in a new era of remote and hybrid work that has become increasingly permanent due to employee demands. The Onion spoke to everyday Americans about why they refuse to return to the office, and this is what they said.

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Police Did Great Job, Police Say

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:41

EVERYWHERE—In response to an unfolding situation on Monday, the police did a great job, the police said. “The actions of local law enforcement could not have been better,” local law enforcement reported in a statement, the veracity of which The Onion confirmed with local law enforcement. “Every measure undertaken by…

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LeBron James Living Vicariously Through His Son Not Being A Once-In-A-Generation Talent

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:40

LOS ANGELES—Telling reporters that he planned to just savor the new dynamic, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James admitted Monday that he was living vicariously through his son LeBron James Jr. not being a once-in-a-generation talent. “Seeing Bronny out there, I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to be…

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Study Finds Fewer Millennials Choosing To Become Good Parents

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:37

WASHINGTON—In an analysis of data collected from more than 60,000 U.S. households, a new study released by the Pew Research Center on Monday found that fewer millennials were choosing to become good parents. “With an increased focus on their careers, pets, social lives, and travel, many millennials simply don’t find…

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Grandpa Now More Open-Minded About Immigrants From Poland In 1890s

Mon, 2022-08-08 08:35

CHICAGO—Taking note of his aging relative’s evolving viewpoint, local 29-year-old Brett Lewis told reporters Monday that his grandfather was now more open-minded about immigrants who arrived in the United States from Poland in the 1890s. “Just a few years ago, you couldn’t talk to Grandpa without him making some…

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