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Executive Lorder

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:57
Categories: The Onion

Nintendo Confirms Yoshi’s Ability To Throw Eggs To Defeat Enemies Is A Pro-Abortion Stance

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:35

Listen up, Yoshi fans! After years of speculation about why Mario’s companion can throw eggs to defeat enemies, we just got definitive confirmation from the company that Yoshi’s ability is meant to be a pro-choice political statement.

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Character In Thriller Film Totally Unaware 100 Reporters On Front Lawn Until He Opens Door

Tue, 2019-08-20 11:06

NORTH CARTHAGE, MO—Seemingly oblivious to what was going on outside of his home just a few feet away, sources confirmed Tuesday that the main character in a thriller film was completely unaware of the hundreds of reporters that had descended upon his front lawn until the very moment he opened the front door. “You’d…

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Ebola Drugs Show 90% Survival Rate

Tue, 2019-08-20 10:52

In a positive development for future and current outbreaks, experimental trials found that individuals have a 90% survival rate when treated with a new set of antibody-based Ebola treatments called REGN-EB3 and mAb114, which will now be deployed to all outbreak patients in the Democratic Republic of Congo. What do you

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NRA Warns Banning Assault Weapons Would Infringe On Americans’ Constitutional Right To Make Them All Pay

Mon, 2019-08-19 17:18

FAIRFAX, VA—Citing the founding fathers’ strongly held beliefs regarding violent retribution, the National Rifle Association warned Monday that a ban on assault weapons would infringe on the constitutional and inalienable right of Americans to make them all pay. “Lawmakers need to understand the importance of having…

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Jay-Z Pledges To Make Sure Colin Kaepernick Gets Contract At NFL Stadium Shop

Mon, 2019-08-19 14:18

NEW YORK—Promising to do everything in his power to help the former starting quarterback, hip-hop superstar and business mogul Jay-Z pledged Monday to make sure Colin Kaepernick gets a contract with an NFL stadium shop. “Kaepernick has stayed in great shape, and I am confident that he could achieve a great deal of…

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Jeffrey Epstein Free To Visit Earth 6 Days A Week Under Terms Of Sweetheart Afterlife Deal

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:34

THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry…

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Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:26

LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can…

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Newt Gingrich Slams ‘New York Times’ 1619 Project As Shameless Abolitionist Propaganda

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:15

NEW YORK—Bemoaning the paper’s recent series focusing on the role slavery played in American history, Newt Gingrich slammed The New York Times’ 1619 Project Monday as shameless abolitionist propaganda. “What we’re seeing is the tragic decline of The New York Times into a propaganda paper that’s clearly operating in…

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Trump Advisor Confirms Administration Looking Into Buying Greenland

Mon, 2019-08-19 13:00

Top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow said on Fox News Sunday that the White House is looking into the possibility of buying Greenland, despite the fact that Greenland’s government recently confirmed that the island was “not for sale.” What do you think?

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Sick Boy’s ‘Visit To Heaven’ Sounding More And More Like Wet Dream

Mon, 2019-08-19 12:46

LA CROSSE, WI—The initially heartwarming story of cancer patient Trevor Powell’s visit to heaven came under scrutiny Monday after sources close to the boy revealed that, upon reflection, the account sounded more and more like a wet dream. “At first, when Trevor said that he was going into a dark tunnel and felt a warm…

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After Much Thought, OGN Has Decided To Update Our Review Of ‘Banjo-Kazooie’ From A 9.7 To A 9.6

Mon, 2019-08-19 10:55

At Onion Gamers Network, we always strive to provide the pinnacle in gaming news, commentary, previews, and reviews. On rare occasions, however, we have failed to live up to these lofty standards and must take significant steps to correct these missteps. Today, we find ourselves needing to do just that. After a…

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Aging Boxing Veteran Wishes Someone Had Told Him Being Punched Unconscious Could Damage His Brain

Mon, 2019-08-19 10:48

BOSTON—Frustrated that he had gone decades in the ring without once being warned of the risks, aging boxing veteran Tony Sheehan told reporters Monday that he wished someone had told him that being repeatedly punched unconscious for years could damage his brain. “I mean, I guess I kind of knew it couldn’t be exactly…

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John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Presidential Race

Fri, 2019-08-16 16:20

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced that he will drop out of the 2020 presidential race in order to pursue a bid for Senate. What do you think?

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Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well

Fri, 2019-08-16 15:23

DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer,…

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Cautious Browns Fan Not Expecting Team To Do Better Than 13-3

Fri, 2019-08-16 15:15

CLEVELAND—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Browns fan Murray Fields told reporters Friday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Browns to have a great year, but…

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‘And Then There Were 23,’ Says Wayne Messam Crossing Out Hickenlooper Photo In Elaborate Grid Of Rivals

Fri, 2019-08-16 14:39

MIRAMAR, FL—Gazing intently at the elaborate grid of Democratic presidential candidates adorning his basement wall, Wayne Messam reportedly murmured, “And then there were twenty-three,” Friday after drawing a line through a photo of his rival John Hickenlooper. “Another foe vanquished, and another step taken toward…

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CD Projekt Red Says They’ve Eliminated The Need For Crunch On ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ By Breeding Grotesque Human-Rat Hybrid Programmers

Fri, 2019-08-16 12:46

Look like someone is hearing fan concerns! Polish game studio CD Projekt Red just told OGN that they’ve completely eliminated the need for crunch on their upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 by breeding a race of grotesque human-rat hybrids that can work as programmers for weeks on end without the need for sleep or food.

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