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Updated: 12 hours 53 min ago

Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

Mon, 2020-07-06 11:41

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away…

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Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place

Mon, 2020-07-06 09:17

The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.

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The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Sat, 2020-07-04 10:32

Oh, wow, look at that!

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Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled

Sat, 2020-07-04 09:57

NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was…

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Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd Control

Sat, 2020-07-04 09:49

NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this…

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Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact

Fri, 2020-07-03 10:29

When it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior. The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep.

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‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship

Fri, 2020-07-03 10:23

TUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they…

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So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk

Thu, 2020-07-02 08:11

DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks…

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Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:51

Gamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We are not neutral on this subject, nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome. Yet, a recent incident in Agra, India has…

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Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal Prison

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:49

CLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit…

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Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He Ready

Wed, 2020-07-01 09:44

RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to…

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Best Recipe Blogs

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:57

Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes, inspiration, and tips to the foodie community. The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet.

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