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‘At Least They Don’t Know About My Leaking, Prolapsed Anus,’ Thinks Devin Nunes Filing Lawsuit Against Mocking Twitter Accounts

Wed, 2019-10-09 16:54

WASHINGTON—Privately expressing his relief that the situation was better than it could have been, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) reportedly took a moment Wednesday to reflect that at least the Twitter users he was suing for mocking him didn’t know about his leaking, prolapsed anus. “These people were really mean to me when…

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Video Game Sword Master Teaches Pupil Unbeatable Secret Technique Of Backpedaling Away From Foes While Wildly Swinging Weapon

Wed, 2019-10-09 15:14

THE IRON KINGDOM—Counseling his disciple that the martial lineage had been passed down through untold generations, video game swordsman Master Feralt reportedly spent a Wednesday morning lesson teaching his pupil the unbeatable secret technique of backpedaling away from one’s foe while wildly swinging your weapon. “To…

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Trump Assures Kurds There Will One Day Be Very Nice Tree Planted In D.C. Commemorating Their Deaths

Wed, 2019-10-09 15:07

WASHINGTON—Amid backlash for abandoning an ally that has been crucial in the fight against ISIS, President Donald Trump assured the Kurds Wednesday that there will one day be a very nice tree planted in Washington, D.C. commemorating their deaths. “Our Kurdish allies should rest assured that, despite the fact that…

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Dallas Cops Plant Black Suspect At Murder Scene

Wed, 2019-10-09 15:04

DALLAS—Following what they described as standard procedure for homicide investigations, members of the Dallas Police Department planted a black suspect at a suspicious murder scene in their city, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You never know when you’re going to need a young African American male to pin a crime on, so…

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Trump Blocks U.S. Ambassador From Testifying To Congress

Wed, 2019-10-09 14:53

The White House blocked U.S. Ambassador Gordon D. Sondland from speaking with investigators to several House committees in President Trump’s impeachment inquiry, a decision the House Intelligence Committee said would be used to help build an obstruction case against him. What do you think?

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Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum

Wed, 2019-10-09 14:30

MADISON, WI—Concluding that such a breakthrough would greatly improve the prognoses of patients with terminal conditions, a new study released Wednesday by the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine found that more than 55 million deaths could be prevented each year with an immortality serum of some kind. “We…

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Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’

Wed, 2019-10-09 11:33

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism…

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Timeline Of Healthcare In America

Wed, 2019-10-09 11:26

Fierce debate over healthcare policy among Democrats and efforts to erode Obamacare by Republicans continue to shine a spotlight on the state of medical care in the U.S., and it’s important to understand how we got here. The Onion takes a look at the most significant moments in the history of healthcare in America. 

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Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins

Wed, 2019-10-09 11:20

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Worried that the humiliating posts would destroy his future employment opportunities, a frantic, job-hunting Jay Gruden scrubbed his social media this week of anything associated with the Redskins. “If anyone sees these photos of me in a Redskins hat, my career is over,” said the former head coach,…

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Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road

Wed, 2019-10-09 11:04

COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, set off Wednesday on a pilgrimage to that selfsame consecrated site where he once found a whole rotisserie chicken resting by the side of the road.…

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Trump Pulling U.S. Troops From Northern Syria

Wed, 2019-10-09 10:00

In a move that foreign policy experts have criticized as abandoning Kurdish allies and potentially escalating the region’s conflicts, President Trump announced plans to pull all U.S. troops from Northern Syria as Turkey readies a military incursion into the area. What do you think?

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Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps

Tue, 2019-10-08 16:42

BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA,…

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New Supreme Court Term To Take On Issues Including Gay Rights, Abortion

Tue, 2019-10-08 16:35

The Supreme Court reconvened this week to render verdicts on issues that will touch on several significant facets of American society including Roe v. Wade, gun rights, and discrimination protections for LGBTQ individuals. What do you think?

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GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn

Tue, 2019-10-08 16:00

WASHINGTON—Opting to take more of a wait-and-see approach instead of rushing to pass judgment, Republican lawmakers reportedly looked on in silence Tuesday as President Trump worked his way through each of their families and, one by one, strangled all their loved ones to death. “After I watched the president slowly…

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Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback

Tue, 2019-10-08 15:40

PROVIDENCE, RI—Vowing to never give up hope, local man Mark Prasad admitted Tuesday that he’s starting to think he didn’t win the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes 1995 sweepstakes for a free trip to the Australian Outback. “Every day, I check the mail in hopes of finding a flashy envelope from Kellogg’s telling me to pack my…

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Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’

Tue, 2019-10-08 12:55

GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the…

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NASA’s First All-Female Spacewalk To Happen This Month

Tue, 2019-10-08 10:00

NASA astronauts Jessica Meir and Christina Koch will make history this month as the first all-female team to perform a spacewalk in which they will swap out batteries that power some of the International Space Station’s solar array. What do you think?

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