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Updated: 11 hours 48 min ago

‘Succession’ Ends With Roy Family Saving Christmas

Mon, 2023-05-29 06:30

NEW YORK—With the beloved characters joyously sharing the warmth of Yuletide cheer as snow fell gently upon Manhattan, HBO’s hit drama Succession concluded Sunday with the Roy family saving Christmas. “After years of sibling squabbles over who would take the throne at Waystar Royco, the hit series has elegantly stuck…

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White Conservative Parents Sit Children Down For Tough Conversation About Seeing Black Character In Movie

Mon, 2023-05-29 06:29

NORFOLK, VA—Gathering their children for what they described as a difficult but important discussion that every family like theirs must have, local white conservative parents Brian and Marie Fortner sat their son and daughter down for a tough conversation about seeing a Black character in a movie. “One day you might…

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Conservatives Reveal Why They’re So Triggered By Pride Merchandise

Mon, 2023-05-29 06:05

After threatening boycotts of companies and violence against retail workers, conservatives explain why they’re so triggered by products celebrating Pride Month.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Bids $100,000 For Kevin McCarthy’s Used Chapstick

Mon, 2023-05-29 06:00

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R) bid $100,000 to win a tube of cherry Chapstick used by Speaker Kevin McCarthy at a short GOP fundraising auction held during a break from debt ceiling negotiations. What do you think?

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Manipulation Pays Off

Mon, 2023-05-29 05:30
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Week In Review: May 28, 2023

Sun, 2023-05-28 06:00
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Throne Off

Sat, 2023-05-27 09:40
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Family Has Rule Where They Don’t Eat Cell Phones At Dinner

Sat, 2023-05-27 06:45

CORVALLIS, OR—After insisting that her husband and children put away their devices while they were at the table, local mom Lana Pickens explained to reporters Monday that her family had a rule about never eating cell phones at dinner. “This is the one time of day when we’re all able to be together, so it’s important…

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Dad’s Entire Parenting Strategy Just Ensuring Son Doesn’t Become Yankees Fan

Sat, 2023-05-27 06:40

NEW CANAAN, CT—Sources familiar with the man’s role in his child’s life confirmed to reporters Monday that local dad Marcus Weir’s parenting strategy is solely focused on ensuring his son doesn’t become a New York Yankees fan. Beginning shortly after his son Miles’ birth nine years ago, Weir reportedly concentrated…

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Nation’s Dive Bar Couples Announce Plan To Sloppily Make Out After Screaming Match

Sat, 2023-05-27 06:30

MOBILE, AL—Stumbling around and shouting to anyone who was willing to listen, the nation’s visibly intoxicated dive bar couples held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to sloppily make out with each other after engaging in a screaming match. “We are here today to fucking let all y’all fucking know that…

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Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast

Fri, 2023-05-26 16:19

Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?

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Man At Beach Worried Wife Hasn’t Surfaced For Air Because She Cheating On Him

Fri, 2023-05-26 15:23

PORT ARANSAS, TX—Suspecting the worst, local man Daniel Koleva reportedly spent several panicked moments during his beach trip Friday worried that his wife, Bethany Koleva, hadn’t surfaced for air yet because she was cheating on him. “There’s no reason for her to be down there that long unless she’s seeing someone…

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Fans Speculate Who Taylor Swift Might Be Talking About In New Song ‘My Weird Little Racist Guy’

Fri, 2023-05-26 15:21

NEW YORK—Pointing out possible clues hidden in the lyrics, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly speculating Friday who the pop star might be talking about in her new song “My Weird Little Racist Guy.” “The line about him being ‘really creepy’ totally made me think John Mayer or Taylor Lautner, but then she sings about…

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Aveeno Unveils Moisture-Locking Facial Breading Treatment

Fri, 2023-05-26 14:40

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Touting the product as the best solution for those suffering from chronic dry skin, Aveeno reportedly unveiled on Friday a new moisture-locking facial breading treatment. “The Aveeno Breading Spa kit keeps your skin healthy and hydrated all day long using a proprietary blend of all-purpose flour,…

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Scientists Ambivalent About Breakthrough After Bringing Hitler Back To Life

Fri, 2023-05-26 08:15

STANFORD, CA—During the muted celebration that followed a successful experiment expected to revolutionize the field of bioengineering, scientists at Stanford University expressed ambivalence Friday about the breakthrough technology they used to bring Adolf Hitler back to life. “I’m proud of our team’s efforts and the…

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Drone Operator Takes Out Few Civilians To Seem Busy As Supervisor Walks By

Fri, 2023-05-26 08:14

ARLINGTON, VA—Scrambling to tab away from the social media feed he had been scrolling through mere moments before, local military contractor Todd Roose reportedly took out a few Syrian civilians Thursday to seem busy as his supervisor walked by. “Oh shoot—hey boss! Yeah, just knocking out a few bombings in the…

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Jeff Bezos, Lauren Sánchez Engaged

Fri, 2023-05-26 07:00

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, former broadcast journalist Lauren Sánchez, are engaged four years after his high-profile divorce from billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. What do you think?

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Jimmy Carter Completes 4-Minute Mile

Fri, 2023-05-26 06:45

PLAINS, GA—Pumping his fists in the air while racing across the finish line, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly ran a four-minute mile Thursday. “I took up jogging right around the time I entered hospice care because the doctors thought it would be good for my health,” said Carter, who attributed his ability to…

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