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Israel Denies Visit To 2 Democrats

Fri, 2019-08-16 12:00

Israel decided to prohibit Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from visiting Israel due to their support of the BDS movement, although it offered to open the West Bank to Tlaib for a strictly humanitarian visit to her grandmother, a visit that she turned down out of protest. What do you think?

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Naked, Out-Of-Breath CDC Director Announces Nation’s Fertility Rate No Longer In Decline

Fri, 2019-08-16 11:53

ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our…

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Report: Little League Pitchers Could Avoid Overtaxing Their Arms By, You Know, Getting Somebody Out

Fri, 2019-08-16 11:23

ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain…

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Weird Wedding Has Some Kind Of Religious Theme

Fri, 2019-08-16 11:13

GREENFIELD, MA—Citing the ornate icons adorning the walls and the strange chanting in an unfamiliar language, sources in attendance Friday at the wedding of Dan and Briana Wilcox confirmed the ceremony had some sort of bizarre religious theme. “Knowing the couple, I’m not surprised they wanted to do something a little…

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BREAKING: Hot Damn, 500 Smackers!

Fri, 2019-08-16 10:00

OKLAHOMA CITY—Fanning out the bills to show off the newly acquired currency, sources confirmed Friday that—hot damn, would you look at that?—here’s 500 smackers. “Hoo-wee! That’s 500 buckaroos right there—go on and count it!” said the sources, repeatedly licking their thumbs to separate the 25 individual $20 bills…

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Democrat Party: Moving Left Vs. Remaining Moderate

Fri, 2019-08-16 09:30

As the Democratic presidential primaries heat up and the party hopes to defeat President Trump in 2020, fierce debate has raged about whether it should stake out more left-wing political positions or remain moderate. The Onion breaks down what’s at stake in the debate over the Democratic Party’s future.

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New Study Finds English Developed As Secret Language Between 2 Reclusive European Twins

Fri, 2019-08-16 09:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Tracing its linguistic roots back to a pair of strange little girls whose speech was incomprehensible to everyone else in their 5th-century Anglo-Saxon colony, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology discovered Friday that English was created organically by a pair of reclusive European…

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Dow Drops 800 Points As Fear Of Recession Looms

Thu, 2019-08-15 16:26

The Dow Jones Industrial Average had its worst day of the year thus far, dropping 800 points due to geopolitical turmoil and sluggish growth rates. What do you think?

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Wall Street Worried About Key Recession Indicator After Ominous Black Storm Clouds Spotted Atop Mount Money

Thu, 2019-08-15 15:53

NEW YORK—In response to a leading economic barometer portending woe to come, Wall Street officials expressed concern about a looming recession Thursday after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money. “While consumer spending and jobless claims are certainly important bellwethers, we were forced to…

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Epstein Guards Placed On Disciplinary Leave For Allowing Selves To Be Distracted By Mischievous Monkey That Stole Key Ring

Thu, 2019-08-15 15:27

NEW YORK—The ongoing investigation into the death of Jeffrey Epstein in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center reportedly uncovered a serious breach of duty by two prison guards, who were placed on disciplinary leave Thursday for allowing themselves to be distracted by a mischievous monkey that stole their…

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Pro-Democracy Hong Kong Protesters Disperse From Airports

Thu, 2019-08-15 14:53

Protests in Hong Kong have ended after two days of activism that shut down flights and grew into a violent police standoff, although Beijing has initiated an aggressive disinformation campaign to quell such protests in mainland China. What do you think?

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J.D. Power And Associates Name 4 Muscular Men Carrying You Everywhere As Best Vehicle In Class

Thu, 2019-08-15 12:46

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising the simplicity of design and luxurious comfort, J.D. Power and Associates released their 2019 rankings Tuesday, naming four muscular young men carrying you everywhere as their new top vehicle in its class. “Thanks to its dependability, simple but effective driver assists, and above all…

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Clingy Wingstop Hounding Man With Dozens Of Messages After Single Drunken Night Together

Thu, 2019-08-15 12:33

CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that the restaurant chain had the wrong idea about where their relationship was headed, wing enthusiast Matthew Forester, 32, revealed Thursday that a clingy Wingstop has sent him dozens of messages since their one drunken night together. “Look, I know it was a passionate night during which…

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Postal Service Releases Stamp With Anus On It To See If Anyone Cares What’s On Stamps Anymore

Thu, 2019-08-15 11:41

WASHINGTON—In an effort to determine whether it should even bother trying anymore, the U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp with an anus on it Thursday to see if people these days still care what is on their stamps. “We’ve put some pretty cool stuff on our stamps recently—a T. rex, the U.S.S. Missouri, Marvin…

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Report: It Crazy MLB Still Counts Stats From Segregated Era

Thu, 2019-08-15 11:37

PHOENIX—Claiming that even one second of actually thinking about it makes you realize just how nuts the whole thing is, the Society Of American Baseball Research published the results of a study Thursday finding that it’s crazy the MLB still counts statistics from the sport’s segregated era. “After months of data…

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New Leak Reveals That Tom Clancy Will Be Final Boss In ‘Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint’

Thu, 2019-08-15 11:26

After the success of Wildlands, Ghost Recon fans have been waiting for years to see if the next entry in the series would live up to that game’s high standard. But any worries you may have had can be put to rest because an amazing new leak from Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint has revealed that the game’s primary…

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Pete Best Reveals He Also Fired From The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, And The Kinks Before They Took Off

Thu, 2019-08-15 10:50

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND—Speaking candidly with reporters, drummer Pete Best disclosed for the first time Thursday that in addition to being fired from the Beatles, he was also forced out of The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, and The Kinks just before each band got famous. “When I arrived at the studio to record ‘My Generation,’…

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