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God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:52

THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and…

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CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:49

NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close,…

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Dixieland Banned

Tue, 2020-06-30 08:47
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New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic

Mon, 2020-06-29 09:03

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution, Rhine Solutions, a new corpse disposal service, unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic. “Upon the customer’s death,…

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Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together

Mon, 2020-06-29 09:01

NEW HAVEN, CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show, economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together. “So get this: Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about…

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Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations

Mon, 2020-06-29 08:39

NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles, Mark Stewart, a guest at a Russian bathhouse, was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations. “I came here…

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Judge Rules Devin Nunes Can’t Sue Twitter Over Cow Parody Account

Mon, 2020-06-29 08:32

A judge has ruled that California representative Devin Nunes cannot sue Twitter for $250 million as part of his quest to discover who is behind the two parody accounts “Devin Nunes’ Cow” and “Devin Nunes’ Mom,” stating the platform is not liable for what its users post. What do you think?

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Disney’s Splash Mountain To Be Rethemed As ‘Princess And The Frog’

Fri, 2020-06-26 18:34

Disney confirmed Thursday plans to reimagine Splash Mountain, which is based on the 1946 movie Song Of The South, into a new log-flume ride following Princess Tiana and her alligator Louis as they travel on a musical adventure. What do you think?

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‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony

Fri, 2020-06-26 15:35

ZANESVILLE, OH—Cautioning his superior lest he become intoxicated by power, advisor Greg Dawling reportedly urged newly appointed water reclamation supervisor Lee Frost to remember that he was mortal during the official’s elaborate swearing-in ceremony Friday. “Be not vain or foolish in your position—this earthly…

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NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer

Fri, 2020-06-26 14:05

WASHINGTON—Saying the announcement represented the first step in making up for the erasure of a vital part of agency history, NASA unveiled plans Friday to rename their Washington D.C. headquarters in honor of Hidden Figures actress Octavia Spencer. “In recognition of the vital role she played in bringing the space…

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What’s Behind The Recent Increase In Reports Of Fireworks?

Fri, 2020-06-26 13:29

Social media users in cities across the country have posted anecdotal reports that there seem to be many more fireworks than normal, leading city officials, law enforcement, and residents alike to speculate on their source. The Onion looks at the most logical explanations for a recent spike in fireworks.

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Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer

Fri, 2020-06-26 10:59

Cyberpunk 2077: Arguably the most highly anticipated game of the summer, and following another delay, it will be the most anticipated game of the holiday season, after which it will become the most anticipated game of summer 2021.

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Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs

Fri, 2020-06-26 09:06

We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry. 

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Giant Sahara Desert Dust Plume Headed For U.S.

Fri, 2020-06-26 08:48

An unusually dense plume of dust from the Sahara in Northern Africa has traveled across the Atlantic and is blanketing the Caribbean, darkening skies and lowering air quality as it makes its way toward the United States. What do you think?

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Bayer To Pay $10 Billion In Roundup Settlement

Thu, 2020-06-25 14:51

Bayer has agreed to pay $10 billion to settle over 95,000 individual claims that their weedkiller Roundup causes cancer, with $1.25 billion earmarked for future claims of people who developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma after being exposed to the product. What do you think?

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