The Onion

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Updated: 18 hours 9 min ago

Vicar Treat

Tue, 2019-10-08 09:30
Categories: The Onion

Banksy Painting Sells For Record $12.2 Million

Mon, 2019-10-07 16:17

Banksy’s “Devolved Parliament” painting, which depicts the British House of Commons as chimpanzees, sold at a Sotheby’s auction for $12.2 million, smashing the anonymous street artist’s previous record of $1.3 million. What do you think?

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Report: New Suit, Sir?

Mon, 2019-10-07 15:27

SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that must be a new suit, sir, and it sure looks great. “Not everyone could pull off an outfit like that, but the boss does it with ease,” said eagerly grinning sources, noting…

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FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers

Mon, 2019-10-07 14:48

WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the nation. “These hard candies are only suitable for consumption by adults,…

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Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver

Mon, 2019-10-07 14:15

WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to…

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Learning To Love Himself Getting Man Out Of A Lot Of Painful Self-Reflection

Mon, 2019-10-07 13:51

NAMPA, ID—Noting that a huge weight had been taken off his shoulders, newly enlightened man Ken Eaton announced Monday that learning to love himself has freed him from the burden of extensive and painful self-reflection. “It’s nice to finally have accepted my flaws, because doing so allows me to stop the tiresome…

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Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Mon, 2019-10-07 12:00

ENCINO, CA—According to sources in attendance at the ceremony, area man Daniel Walter was wed Saturday to Kelly Kaminski, a woman he hardly even knows after five years of dating. “Kelly, you are my rock, my everything, and you never cease to amaze me,” said Walter, 37, who is reportedly deluding himself if he thinks…

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Forever 21 Declares Bankruptcy

Mon, 2019-10-07 09:00

Retail clothing store Forever 21 filed for bankruptcy and announced it would close 350 stores worldwide as consumers increasingly move away from shopping malls and eschew fast fashion due to its environmental impact. What do you think?

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Mom Arrives From Other Room For Semi-Hourly Report On Game

Sun, 2019-10-06 14:37

PITTSBURGH—Briefly interrupting her weekend cleaning to pop her head into the living room, local mom Shandi Ames arrived from the other room Sunday for her semi-hourly report on the Pittsburgh Steelers football game. “How is everything going? Are they winning?” asked Ames, collecting dirty plates and empty cups from…

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Nation’s Top Pseudoscientists Harness High-Energy Quartz Crystal Capable Of Reversing Effects Of Being Gemini

Fri, 2019-10-04 17:11

ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to…

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Trump Publicly Calls For China, Ukraine To Investigate Bidens

Fri, 2019-10-04 17:03

In a dramatic escalation of his intervention in the 2020 presidential race, Donald Trump called for China and Ukraine to open investigations into one of his leading rivals, former Vice President Joe Biden, and his son, despite no evidence whatsoever of illegal wrongdoing. What do you think?

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Trump Furiously Searching Raytheon Catalog For Gift After Realizing He Promised China And Ukraine Same Javelin Missile

Fri, 2019-10-04 16:41

WASHINGTON—Scanning for discounts in the precision weapon and early warning satellite sections, a visibly distressed President Trump reportedly flipped through the Raytheon catalog in a panic Friday after realizing he had accidentally promised China and Ukraine the same FGM-148 Javelin missile. “Shit, shit, shit—when…

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Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked

Fri, 2019-10-04 15:53

NEW YORK—Expressing remorse for their weakness and total lack of self-control, Americans across the country were ashamed to admit Friday that they would probably look up John Goodman’s nudes if they leaked. “Look, I’m not proud of it, but if I found out John Goodman’s iCloud got hacked and a bunch of his naked photos…

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Categories: The Onion