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Updated: 19 hours 28 min ago

Winter Storms Threaten Americans Traveling Back From Thanksgiving

Mon, 2019-12-02 12:07

Thousands of flight cancellations and inclement weather have threatened travel plans for Americans attempting to return home after Thanksgiving break. What do you think?

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All Of Woman’s Problems Stem From Never Having Visited Europe

Mon, 2019-12-02 11:00

TULSA, OK—Stressing that the part-time administrative assistant should book a flight as soon as possible, sources confirmed this week that all of 28-year-old Hailey Allen’s problems stem from her never having visited Europe. “All her relationship hang-ups, low self-esteem, and failures at work would immediately…

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‘Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’ Cast Members Clock Into Amazon Warehouse For Mandatory Black Friday Overtime Shift

Fri, 2019-11-29 10:00

BROOKLYN, NY—As they donned jumpsuits and prepared to meet their employer’s relentless performance quotas, the cast members of Emmy-winning TV show The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel reportedly clocked in this morning to begin their mandatory 12-hour Black Friday shift at a local Amazon warehouse. “Listen, none of us like…

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Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After Forming Close Friendship With Roasted Turkey Leg

Thu, 2019-11-28 11:00

SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted turkey leg. “Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,”…

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Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing

Thu, 2019-11-28 10:00

PITTSBURGH—After two hours in which they discussed a variety of routine topics with waning enthusiasm, the local Halverson family’s Thanksgiving conversation reportedly devolved this afternoon into simple observations about what their dog was currently doing. “Hey, look at him now,” Jason Halverson said as Bailey, a…

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Ovechkin Shanks Slapshot Into Stands After Unruly Fan Coughs During Backswing

Wed, 2019-11-27 20:20

WASHINGTON—Criticizing the troublemaker for showing an utter lack of decorum, Alexander Ovechkin shanked a slapshot into the stands at Wednesday’s game against the Florida Panthers after an unruly fan coughed during his backswing. “It’s frustrating that some fans would disrespect the game of hockey by refusing to…

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New Sip-And-Weld Studio Provides Opportunity To Drink Wine, Create Own Masterpiece With Blowtorch

Wed, 2019-11-27 13:09

TOPEKA, KS—The owner of a new sip-and-weld studio revealed that the workshop will provide guests the opportunity to casually drink wine while creating their very own blowtorched masterpiece, sources confirmed Wednesday. “You bring the cabernet, we’ll supply the arc welders, oxy-acetylene torches, face shields, and…

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Man Worried Partner Hasn’t Been Attracted To Him Ever Since He Got Head Stuck In Fence

Wed, 2019-11-27 11:36

OXFORD, MI—Saying he had noticed a marked difference in the level of emotional intimacy, Clint Markell said Wednesday that his girlfriend Dana Manning had not been attracted to him in the weeks since he got his head stuck in a fence. “I just don’t think she respects me anymore after those damn neighbor kids tricked me…

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‘Just Be Honest If This Looks Good,’ Girlfriend Wearing New Big Bird Outfit Asks Panicking Boyfriend

Wed, 2019-11-27 10:30

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Looking for honest feedback on the latest addition to her wardrobe, local 27-year-old Molly Hanson reportedly asked her panicking boyfriend “Does this look good?” while wearing a new Big Bird outfit. “I spent a little more than I usually do, but I really think it compliments my figure,” said Hanson, as…

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Coal Production Shows Record Declines In 2019

Wed, 2019-11-27 10:00

Global coal-fired electricity production will suffer the largest decline on record in 2019, plunging 3% and raising the prospect of slowing CO2 emissions, which is important in combating climate change. What do you think?

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Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement

Wed, 2019-11-27 09:00

NEW YORK—Citing historically low levels of savings across all demographics, leading financial experts are recommending Americans prepare for their futures by setting aside a giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively upon reaching retirement age. “When you’re young, the natural tendency is to procrastinate, so we’re…

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Timeline Of Online Advertising

Wed, 2019-11-27 08:30

This year makes the 25th anniversary of the invention of the online banner ad, and in that time digital advertising has significantly shaped the internet experience. The Onion looks at how online advertising has changed over the years.

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Supreme Court Denies ‘Serial’ Subject Hearing

Tue, 2019-11-26 16:26

The Supreme Court said Monday it would not review the case of Adnan Syed, the subject of the popular podcast Serial, which covered the 1999 murder of which he was accused. What do you think?

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Eddie Gallager Wakes Up In Cold Sweat After Nightmare About Watching Innocent Iraqi Women Minding Their Own Business

Tue, 2019-11-26 16:07

SAN DIEGO—Breathing heavily as his knuckles turned white from gripping the bed sheets, retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallager woke up in a cold sweat Tuesday after having a nightmare about watching innocent Iraqi women minding their own business. “Jesus Christ, every fucking night I relive this horrible atrocity,” said…

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