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The Onion
Woman Slips Lifeguard $20 Bill To Let Her Drown
DESTIN, FL—Reaching up to the tower to palm him the banknote, local woman Danielle Haugh reportedly slipped a lifeguard $20 Friday to let her drown. “I might go under and not want to come back up, okay?” said Haugh, who pressed the bill into the 17-year-old lifeguard’s hand and winked, hoping she was effectively…
Resilient Aaron Rodgers Vows To Return More Detached From Reality Than Ever
NEW YORK—In the wake of an Achilles tear that ended the quarterback’s first season with the New York Jets, a resilient Aaron Rodgers vowed Friday to return more detached from reality than ever. “I’m deeply humbled by all the support from the Jets faithful that I’ve received, and it’s my promise that I’ll be back by…
Jack Link’s Introduces Extra-Tough Barbed Jerky
MINONG, WI—Saying the product was only for those truly serious about feeding their wild side, beef snack purveyor Jack Link’s announced Friday it had begun selling a new, extra-tough barbed jerky, reportedly its most indigestible processed meat offering to date. “Loaded with meat spikes, our latest jerky is now…
Family Unaware Dad’s Fallout Bunker Only Has Enough Supplies For One Survivor
VAN BUREN, MO—Blissfully going about their days thinking they would be adequately provided for in the event of an environment-destroying emergency, Dodson family members were reportedly unaware that their father’s fallout bunker only has enough supplies for one survivor. Sources confirmed that no one besides Philip…
NFL Introduces Touching Flyover Tribute For All Veterans Of Domestic Violence
NEW YORK—As part of an effort to take a more public approach to addressing an issue that has plagued the league in recent years, the NFL introduced touching flyover tributes this week for all veterans of domestic violence. “We know that our fans and the rest of the NFL community look to us for leadership, and we…
Lauren Boebert Kicked Out Of ‘Beetlejuice’ Musical For Vaping, Causing Disturbance
Republican lawmaker Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a theater in Denver during a performance of the musical Beetlejuice after complaints of vaping, singing, and causing a disturbance. What do you think?
Aaron Rodgers Hits $5 Million Contract Incentive After Finishing Season With Zero Interceptions
‘They Made Her Way Less Hot,’ Complains Conservative Pundit Looking At Picture Of His Mom
ORLANDO, FL—Claiming that the woke left had once again stripped one of his favorite characters of their sexuality, local conservative pundit James Hughes posted an online rant Thursday complaining that “they made her way less hot” while looking at a photo of his mom. “It’s disgusting, for years she was this gorgeous,…
Jimmy Carter Makes Pact With Dianne Feinstein That If Both Single In 50 Years They’ll Marry Each Other
PLAINS, GA—Saying they had no way of knowing where these crazy lives of theirs would take them, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly made a pact Thursday with Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in which the pair agreed that if they were both single in 50 years, they would marry each other. “Look, I know we’ve had our…
Danelo Cavalcante Returns To Empty Pennsylvania Prison After Everyone Else Escapes
COLLEGEVILLE, PA—Finding himself all alone in the maximum-security Pennsylvania facility, convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly returned to an empty prison Thursday after everyone else had escaped. “Hello?” said Calvacante, whose voice echoed off the concrete walls as he wandered through the 3,830-bed prison…
Neuralink Monkeys Reveal What It’s Like Working With Elon Musk
Elon Musk’s company Neuralink confirmed that dozens of its primate test subjects died after having medical devices implanted in their brains. The Onion asked Neuralink monkeys what it’s like working with the billionaire tech genius, and this is what they said.
Man Requests Spotter For Particularly Messy Sandwich
DEERFIELD, IL—Taking several deep breaths before lifting the triple-meat sub up into the air, local man James Randolf requested a spotter Thursday for a particularly messy sandwich. “Hey, buddy, can you give me a hand over here— this thing is pretty heavy,” said a sweat-drenched Randolf, who heaved, shook, and moaned…
Suburbanites Baffled By Person Outdoors Who Isn’t Delivering Something
SUGAR LAND, TX—Confused by the man outside who was not wearing a UPS uniform or carrying a package of any kind, local suburbanites expressed bafflement Thursday when they looked out their front windows and saw a person walk by who wasn’t delivering anything. “Huh, our Amazon orders already came today, so what’s this…
Report: Some Group Called ‘Dads For America’ Currently Running Over Your Kid’s Teacher With A Car
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Screaming incoherently about transgender girls in sports and the need to teach children cursive so they can learn to read the Constitution, some group called Dads for America is currently trying to run over your kid’s teacher with a car, sources confirmed Thursday. The group of local fathers, who…
Elon Musk Claims Women He Impregnated Were All Terminal
BOCA CHICA, TX—Denying reports that the specimens had all died excruciating and painful deaths, Elon Musk told reporters this week that the women he had impregnated over the years had all been terminally ill. “While many claim these test subjects suffered or were mistreated, the truth is they were already destined to…
Catholics Flock To Church To See ‘Intact’ Remains Of Nun Who Died In 2019
Thousands of Christians have flocked to a small Missouri town to see the exhumed body of a nun who has barely decomposed since she died in 2019, with some claiming her ‘incorrupt’ body signals sainthood. What do you think?
Pros And Cons Of Impeaching Joe Biden
House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) called for a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden for corruption related to his alleged role in his son Hunter’s overseas business dealings. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.
Americans React To Nancy Pelosi Running For Reelection
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced that she will seek a 20th congressional term in her district in San Francisco. The Onion asked Americans what they thought about the 83-year-old running for reelection, and this is what they said.
Disgusted Teen Stumbles Upon Parents’ Crazy Sex Toy
PLATTSMOUTH, NE—Recoiling in shock after he opened a drawer and spotted the odd-looking implement, disgusted local teen Aiden Moore reported Thursday that he had stumbled upon a crazy sex toy belonging to his parents. “Oh my God, this is way too freaky—what hole are they even putting this into?” said Moore, 15, who…