The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 1 hour 5 min ago

22 States Sue Trump Over EPA Rule Rollback

Wed, 2019-08-14 17:18

A coalition of 22 states has sued the Trump administration over its rollback of the Clean Power Plan, arguing that its replacement rules are so weak that they violate federal law. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Report: This Next One Goes Out To All The Ladies

Wed, 2019-08-14 10:30

YOUR LOCATION—Encouraging the fellas to go ahead and take a hike, a report released Wednesday confirmed that this next one goes out to all the ladies. “Mmmmm, you fine specimens have worked so hard today and deserve a little news-in-brief all to yourselves,” read the report in part, inviting all the foxy female…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

India’s Tiger Population Doubles In Dozen Years

Wed, 2019-08-14 09:30

In a significant achievement for the country’s wildlife conservation efforts, India’s tiger population doubled in the last dozen years despite rapid urbanization. What do you think? 

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Pete Buttigieg Charms Crowd At Iowa Truck Stop By Sampling Local Meth

Wed, 2019-08-14 09:00

CLARKSVILLE, IA—Taking a long drag from a glass pipe while addressing potential voters, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg charmed crowds at a truck stop Wednesday by smoking a prime sample of their locally produced meth. “Wow, the proud people of Iowa really know how to do meth right, don’t y’all?” said a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ Turns 20

Wed, 2019-08-14 08:30

August 16 marks 20 years since Who Wants To Be A Millionaire debuted in the U.S. as the first game show in the country with a million-dollar prize, ultimately running for 20 seasons before its cancelation in May. The Onion looks back at the greatest moments in the program’s 20-year history.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Waitress Parades Choice Of Pie Slices In Front Of Man Like Madam In High-Class Brothel

Wed, 2019-08-14 08:00

ANN ARBOR, MI—Assuring the man that even his wildest desires could be fulfilled, waitress Lana Collins paraded a selection of pie slices in front of a customer Wednesday like a madam in a high-class brothel. “Key lime, French silk, caramel pecan; simply say the word and the tasty little morsel will be yours,” said…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Independent Voters Unimpressed By Both Trump And Democrats

Tue, 2019-08-13 13:40

An NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found that independent voters remain unconvinced by both the president’s and Democrat’s plans for the future, although they agree with some liberal platforms such as Medicare for all who want it and universal background checks. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Damning Investigation Finds Jeffrey Epstein Left Unsupervised For Decades Prior To Suicide

Tue, 2019-08-13 13:15

NEW YORK—Calling the oversight a complete failure of the system on every level, Department of Justice officials told reporters Tuesday that a damning investigation had revealed that billionaire and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been left unsupervised for decades prior to his suicide. “This high-risk…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Harvard Streamlines Admission Process By Directly Growing New Students From DNA Of Top Donors

Tue, 2019-08-13 12:09

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The Heir Apparent: Now That Ninja Left Twitch, The Next Big Streaming Star Is Probably This Red-Faced Kid Who Plays ‘Hearthstone’

Tue, 2019-08-13 11:28

When famed streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced he was cutting ties with Twitch and moving over to Microsoft’s new streaming service, he left a massive hole for all of his 14 million followers that most thought would never be filled. But the wait for a successor looks like it ended way faster than most expected.…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

5 Things To Know About The Keto Diet

Tue, 2019-08-13 11:00
Categories: The Onion

Pfizer Announces New Antidote For Slow-Acting Poison Currently Coursing Through Bodies Of Millions Of Americans

Tue, 2019-08-13 10:30

NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Poll Finds Climate Change Top Issue For Early State Democratic Voters

Tue, 2019-08-13 10:00

A CBS News poll found that 78% of Democratic voters in early primary states rate climate change as a “very important” issue, putting it ahead of income inequality and jobs, and suggesting environmental action growing increasingly important to left-leaning voters. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

(Public) Space Invaders

Tue, 2019-08-13 09:00
Categories: The Onion