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Pfizer Denies Encouraging Drug Abuse By Packaging Fentanyl With Cooking Spoon, Lighter

Thu, 2019-05-16 12:21

NEW YORK—In an effort to address the growing controversy surrounding widespread non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters should be interpreted as an encouragement of drug abuse. “This…

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How To Avoid Spoilers

Thu, 2019-05-16 11:30
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‘New York Times’ Rehires Judith Miller To Cover Escalating Iran Tensions

Thu, 2019-05-16 11:18

NEW YORK—In a press release heralding the latest addition to its masthead, The New York Times announced Thursday it had rehired Judith Miller to cover the Trump administration’s escalating tensions with Iran. “The experience Ms. Miller brings to bear is unmatched, and we’re confident and excited to welcome her back to…

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Wikipedia Blocked In China

Thu, 2019-05-16 10:42

Internet researchers found that community-edited encyclopedia Wikipedia has been blocked in China, joining thousands of other websites that have been censored by the country’s Communist Party. What do you think?

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Nationals GM Introduces Players To New Stepmanager

Wed, 2019-05-15 15:20

WASHINGTON—Hoping to ease the team into a new period of transition, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo took a moment Wednesday to introduce his players to their new stepmanager. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you make him feel nice and…

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Ugh, So Obnoxious: This Guy Just Pulled Out An Acoustic Guitar At A Party And Killed Someone With It

Wed, 2019-05-15 10:00

Prepare to be seriously annoyed, because something pretty obnoxious just happened at a party in Los Angeles: This guy just pulled out an acoustic guitar and killed someone with it.

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Halima Aden Becomes First Sports Illustrated Model To Wear Burkini

Fri, 2019-05-03 16:33

Muslim supermodel Halima Aden has made history by becoming the first model to wear a hijab and burkini in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. What do you think?

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Diners Eating Impossible Burgers Doused With Beet Juice By Protesting Meat-Rights Activists

Fri, 2019-05-03 15:30

ST. LOUIS—Their meals disrupted by protestors who stormed the restaurant with buckets full of viscous red liquid, diners eating plant-based Impossible Whoppers at a local Burger King were reportedly horrified Friday when meat-rights activists splashed beet juice all over them. “Shame! Shame on them—look at these…

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Stanford Students Admit It Was Pretty Obvious Billionaire’s Dog Didn’t Get In By Itself

Fri, 2019-05-03 14:55

STANFORD, CA—Saying that certain undergrads clearly hadn’t been accepted on their own merits, students at Stanford University admitted Friday that it was pretty obvious that the billionaire’s dog in the freshman class didn’t get in by itself. “A lot of us were skeptical that Bailey actually got admitted without help,…

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Noncompete Clause In Lease Bars Tenants From Living Anywhere Else For 90 Days After Moving Out

Fri, 2019-05-03 14:32

SAN FRANCISCO—Stating that he cannot allow rival property owners to gain a competitive advantage, Bay Area landlord Jeremy Lubbock acknowledged Friday he had added a noncompete clause to his leases that bars tenants from living anywhere else within 90 days of vacating an apartment. “This is a fairly standard practice…

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George Lucas Recalls Peter Mayhew Ad-Libbing Decision To Play Character As Nonverbal, Fur-Covered Monster

Fri, 2019-05-03 14:15

LOS ANGELES—Shedding light on the iconic Chewbacca actor’s creative process amid news of his recent passing, George Lucas revealed to reporters Friday that Peter Mayhew had fully ad-libbed the decision to play the character as a nonverbal, fur-covered monster. “Originally, I intended for Chewbacca to be a loquacious,…

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Facebook Bans Thousands Of Snowboarders, Base Jumpers In Crackdown On ‘Dangerous’ Accounts

Fri, 2019-05-03 13:39

MENLO PARK, CA—Explaining that the suspended users had violated the site’s content guidelines, Facebook reportedly banned thousands of snowboarders, base jumpers, and paragliders Thursday in a crackdown on “dangerous” accounts. “The Facebook community should be safe for all users, which is why we’ve suspended the…

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Report: What You Just Said Reminds Man Of Thing He’d Rather Talk About

Fri, 2019-05-03 13:17

CHICAGO—According to a report issued Friday by sociologists at DePaul University, local man Nick Mahedy has cut you off mid-sentence because what you just said reminded him of something he would prefer to talk about instead. The report states that moments ago, when you started to speak about the NBA playoffs, the mere…

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‘I Don’t Like The Look Of This,’ Says Astronaut Entering Flickering, Ooze-Covered Abandoned Section Of ISS

Fri, 2019-05-03 13:03

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Responding to a distress signal broadcasting from the depths of a remote corridor that seemed to be mysteriously missing from the satellite floor plan, astronaut Dalton McVeigh said, “I don’t like the look of this,” Friday while entering a section of the International Space Station that was evidently…

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Obamas Announce Slate Of Netflix Shows

Fri, 2019-05-03 11:10

Michelle and Barack Obama have announced a slate of six Netflix shows, including a Frederick Douglass biopic, a drama set in the fashion world of post-WWII New York, and a half-hour family show called Listen To Your Vegetables And Eat Your Parents. What do you think?

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Boeing ... Boeing ... Gone

Fri, 2019-05-03 11:00
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