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Liberty University Board Concerned Falwell’s Corruption Risks Undercutting College’s Mission Of Subjugating Women And Gay People

Mon, 2019-09-09 18:19

LYNCHBURG, VA—Expressing fears that the recent scandal could harm the institution’s reputation, members of the Liberty University board told reporters Monday they were concerned investigations into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s corruption risked undermining the college’s core mission of subjugating women and gay people. “When…

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Jerry Falwell Jr. Tells Story Of Jesus Getting Revenge On Apostle Who Ratted Out His Corruption Schemes

Mon, 2019-09-09 17:49

LYNCHBURG, VA—In an effort to quell backlash following allegations of ongoing malfeasance, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. recounted Monday the story of Jesus Christ getting revenge on the apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes. “As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the…

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Trump Calls Off Talks With Taliban

Mon, 2019-09-09 15:53

Following a suicide attack that killed an American soldier and 11 others in the capital of Kabul, President Trump called off secret Camp David peace talks slated to be held with Taliban’s leaders. What do you think?

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Trump Under Fire For Forcing Astronauts To Stay In Irish Trump Hotel While On Specialized Space Mission

Mon, 2019-09-09 14:47

WASHINGTON—Responding to critics who have again accused President Trump of enriching himself from government business, White House officials defended Monday their boss’s decision to make astronauts spend their nights at his golf club in Doonbeg, Ireland, while they conduct a mission in space. “To be clear, Trump…

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MIT Media Lab Agrees To Return All Of Jeffrey Epstein’s Donated Girls

Mon, 2019-09-09 13:18

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shortly after it became widespread public knowledge that the research institution had accepted contributions from the late convicted sex offender, the MIT Media Lab announced Monday that it had agreed to return all of Jeffrey Epstein’s donated girls. “As soon as we learned that several high-level Lab…

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Historians Reveal Multiple Cradles Of Civilization Each Independently Developed Chicken Tender Basket

Mon, 2019-09-09 09:00

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing insights into the emerging agricultural and nutritional practices of early human society, historians at Harvard University presented evidence Wednesday revealing that multiple centers of civilization developed chicken tender baskets independently of one another. “Although we once believed these…

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Recipe Passed Down From Grandma Gussied Up To Be Less Poor

Mon, 2019-09-09 07:00

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind…

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Here’s Everything We Know So Far About ‘Super Mario 64’

Mon, 2019-09-09 07:00

If you’ve got questions about Nintendo’s flagship Mario game for the N64, you’ve come to the right place, because we’re breaking down everything we know so far about Super Mario 64.

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Apologetic Conversion Therapy Founder Offers To Electrocute Past Patients Back Into Being Gay

Fri, 2019-09-06 16:29

SPARTANBURG, SC—Following an announcement earlier this week in which he acknowledged his own homosexuality, former conversion therapy practitioner McKrae Game apologized Friday for the harm his work has caused and offered to electrocute his past patients into being gay again. “Anyone who received electroshock therapy…

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Financial Advisor Urges Ezekiel Elliott To Set Aside 20% Of Salary For Paying Off Women To Keep Quiet

Fri, 2019-09-06 13:50

DALLAS—Referring to the practice as a sound investment that too few players make, Ezekiel Elliott’s financial advisor urged the running back Friday to set aside 20% of his annual salary for paying off women to keep quiet. “We’re thrilled about Zeke’s contract extension, but that money isn’t going to last forever. He…

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Piece Of Dog Shit Pretty Picked Over By Time Fly Got There

Fri, 2019-09-06 13:42

ALBANY, NY—Observing that the choicest bits were long gone, a local fly confirmed Friday that by the time it discovered the piece of dog shit near a tree in Ridgefield Park, the defecation had been pretty well picked over. “Dang, you can tell this was some real primo shit, probably from a pit bull or something,” said…

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Nation’s Bison Hold Lavish Fundraiser In Effort To Get 2020 Candidates To Support Environment

Fri, 2019-09-06 13:37

BUTTE, MT—In a glitzy venue filled with the biggest names in the wildlife community, the nation’s bison hosted an opulent gala fundraiser Friday in an effort to convince the 2020 Democratic candidates to support the environment. “This is a great opportunity for us to get a lot of face time with the presidential…

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Nation’s 30-Year-Olds Pool Money To Buy 2-Bedroom Bungalow Together

Fri, 2019-09-06 12:40

DES PLAINES, IL—Admitting they would never be able to afford a place without sharing expenses, the nation’s 30-year-olds announced Friday that they had pooled all their resources to buy a 1,100-square-foot, two-bedroom bungalow together. “It may not seem like much for a few million people, but we can finish the…

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Africa Set To Be Declared Polio-Free

Fri, 2019-09-06 10:00

Nigeria, the last country in Africa to report cases of the wild poliovirus, will mark three years since it witnessed its most recent outbreak of polio, suggesting that the continent will be declared polio-free if no additional cases are found before the end of the year. What do you think?

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Tech Genius In 2120 Devises Revolutionary Concept Of Utilizing Sharp Stick To Harvest Termites

Fri, 2019-09-06 09:30

WHAT REMAINS OF PHILADELPHIA—Turning the existing paradigm for gathering protein completely on its head, the greatest living tech genius of 2120 devised a revolutionary concept of utilizing a sharp stick to harvest termites roughly a century from Friday. “The one known to us as ‘Ka’ has disrupted the entire…

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Pros And Cons Of Bilingual Education

Fri, 2019-09-06 08:30

With more than one-fifth of American students speaking a language other than English at home, a number that continues to rise, there’s a growing case for bilingual education as a foundational component of the U.S. system; critics, however, maintain that it’s unnecessary. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of…

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