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Updated: 11 hours 55 min ago

Area Pedestrian Obsessed With Crossing The Street

Wed, 2019-06-12 16:19

HOUSTON—Observing that the man in question used seven crosswalks at a minimum on any given day, local sources confirmed Wednesday local pedestrian Brian Jennings, 33, has become obsessed with crossing the street. “At the last intersection, he put a lot of time and effort, relatively speaking, into crossing a street…

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Deepfake Video Of Mark Zuckerberg Barely Good Enough To Masturbate To

Wed, 2019-06-12 14:31

SAN FRANCISCO—Able to derive only a limited amount of self-pleasure from the computer-generated image of Facebook’s founder and CEO, social media users confirmed Wednesday that a deepfake video of Mark Zuckerberg currently circulating online was just barely good enough to masturbate to. “The video isn’t terrible, and…

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Long-Forgotten G4 Correspondent Still Producing Remote Segment On 2012 E3

Wed, 2019-06-12 14:26

Among the dozens of video game journalists covering this year’s E3 was a, let’s just say surprising, face: Kevin Pereira, a long-forgotten G4 correspondent, was seen still producing a remote segment on 2012’s convention.

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Panicking Taylor Swift Realizes It Too Late To Call Off Assassination After Katy Perry Makes Peace Offering

Wed, 2019-06-12 13:06

NEW YORK—Her hands shaking as she dialed several numbers written on a piece of paper in an effort to get in touch with the goons she had hired, a panicking Taylor Swift reportedly realized Wednesday that it was too late to call off the assassination of Katy Perry after her longtime rival made a peace offering. “Shit,…

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Hideo Kojima Teases What We Assume Is New ‘Death Stranding’ Info By Walking Around E3 Dressed As Triceratops And Waving A ‘Big, Brassy, And Beautiful’ Sign

Wed, 2019-06-12 12:47

Prepare for a mind-blowing experience, gamers, because we have something that is almost certainly big news coming out of E3. Apparently, Hideo Kojima has surprised everyone by showing up to the conference, and he’s teasing what we have to assume is new Death Stranding information by running around dressed as a…

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Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname

Wed, 2019-06-12 10:00

SEATTLE—Pointing out the excessive use of thematic patterns in the assailant’s modus operandi, authorities told reporters Wednesday that the serial killer terrorizing the area was clearly gunning for the nickname the Parking Lot Butcher. “So far, the bodies have all been found wrapped in waxed paper and dumped in…

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‘Game Of Thrones’ Author Working On New Video Game

Wed, 2019-06-12 09:30

George R.R. Martin is collaborating with FromSoftware, the creators of the Dark Souls series, to write the story of Elden Ring, a new action-RPG set in a fantasy universe. What do you think?

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American Museum Of Natural History Acquires Rare Third-Grader Separated From Group On Class Trip

Wed, 2019-06-12 09:00

NEW YORK—The American Museum of Natural History announced Wednesday the acquisition of Kyle, a unique specimen of a third-grade human male, who was discovered wandering the museum late Tuesday. “We are pleased to announce that we have acquired Kyle, an excellent example of a 9-year-old early-21st-century male human,…

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Pros And Cons Of Impeaching President Trump

Wed, 2019-06-12 08:00

Calls have grown for House Democrats to move forward with impeachment proceedings against President Trump in the wake of the Mueller report, leading to sharp divisions within the party and the American public. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching the president.

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Evangelical Church Strips Away All The Frills And Pomp Of Catholic Molestation

Tue, 2019-06-11 16:14

TULLAHOMA, TN—Emphasizing a simpler, more plainspoken approach to sexually abusing minors, a local evangelical minister told reporters Tuesday his church peels away all the extravagance and ostentation historically associated with molestations in the Roman Catholic faith. “You don’t need all these elaborate costumes…

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Justice Department Turns Over Mueller Evidence To House

Tue, 2019-06-11 15:30

The Justice Department has agreed to provide Congress with key evidence collected by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation connected to President Trump’s potential obstruction of justice. What do you think?

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Santa Anita Park Officials Announce They Will Stop Allowing Bets On All Upcoming Horse Deaths

Tue, 2019-06-11 14:55

ARCADIA, CA—Following numerous complaints from lawmakers and animal rights groups, Santa Anita Park horse track officials announced Tuesday that they will immediately stop allowing bets on all upcoming horse deaths. “We have listened closely to your concerns, and that is why, as of now, we will no longer let…

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Drooling Imbecile Rocks Back And Forth In Delight While Watching Arby’s Clap Back At Burger King On Twitter

Tue, 2019-06-11 14:40

DES MOINES, IA—Expressing glee with a series of yelps and shrieks, local drooling imbecile Andrew Gardner was giddily rocking back and forth in delight Tuesday while watching the official Arby’s account clap back at Burger King on Twitter. “Ahahahaha!!! Arby’s didn’t come to play! Epic burn!!!” said the…

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E3 Now Selling ‘Con Funk’ Scented Candle For Gamers Who Want To Take Convention Experience Home With Them

Tue, 2019-06-11 13:10

With this year’s E3 nearly wrapping up, it’s safe to say some attendees are already getting nostalgic for the feelings of watching a week of jaw-dropping reveals and game demos. For those folks, the convention’s organizers just unveiled a must-have piece of swag: A “Con Funk”-scented candle that perfectly replicates…

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Ruby Tuesday Goes Public With Request That Everyone Come On Down To Ruby Tuesday

Tue, 2019-06-11 12:33

MARYVILLE, TN—In an emergency press conference held to share the blockbuster announcement before it could be leaked to the media, casual dining chain Ruby Tuesday went public this morning with a formal request for everyone to come on down to Ruby Tuesday. “We are hereby distributing the plain and simple message to all…

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Obamas Sign Podcast Deal With Spotify

Tue, 2019-06-11 11:57

Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a podcast deal to produce content for streaming giant Spotify, touting it as a chance to “foster productive dialogue, make people smile, and make people think.” What do you think?

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