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Timeline Of U.S.–Syria Relations

Wed, 2019-11-06 09:30

The U.S. decision to pull troops out of Syria that were assisting rebel forces has cleared the way for Turkey to ramp up military actions, escalating chaos in the region. The Onion provides a timeline of U.S. and Syrian relations.

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5 States Hold Major Elections

Tue, 2019-11-05 17:28

Voters in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Jersey and Virginia will head to the polls to elect state lawmakers, governors and other executives as representatives of the five states who hold odd-year elections. What do you think?

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NYC Opens $500 Million Decoy Subway Station To Catch Turnstile Jumpers

Tue, 2019-11-05 17:04

NEW YORK—In a new effort by the MTA and law enforcement to crack down on fare evasion, New York City reportedly opened a $500 million decoy subway station this week to catch turnstile jumpers. “This sprawling, state-of-the-art station will have all the sights and sounds of a regular terminal, including turnstiles that…

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Bad News, Gamers! ‘Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020’ Will Be The Last Game

Tue, 2019-11-05 16:45

It is truly a tragic day for gamers everywhere. Speaking at a recent press conference, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa sent shockwaves through the gaming industry after announcing that the upcoming Switch platformer Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 will be the last game.

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Hardline Pastry Chef Displays American Flag With Raspberry Cream Stripe To Honor Sacrifices Bakers Make Every Day

Tue, 2019-11-05 14:36

DALLAS, TX—Seeking to showcase his pride for his comrades’ heroism, hardline pastry chef Dave Southerton had reportedly displayed a black-and-white American flag with a raspberry cream stripe Tuesday to honor the sacrifices bakers make every day. “My profession is constantly under attack nowadays by people who claim…

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Sperms And Conditions

Tue, 2019-11-05 13:51
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How To File A Lawsuit

Tue, 2019-11-05 11:30
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Visa Introduces New Preloaded Debt Card

Tue, 2019-11-05 11:00

FOSTER CITY, CA—In what the company stated was an effort to better cater to the financial realities of its customers, Visa has reportedly introduced a new preloaded debt card, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our new debt card is available in outstanding balances from $50 to $150,000 on our platinum offering, allowing…

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Sanders Calls His Medicare-For-All Plan ‘Much More Progressive’ Than Warren’s

Tue, 2019-11-05 10:30

Following the release of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare-for-All plan, Bernie Sanders called his own version “much more progressive in terms of protecting the financial well-being of middle-income families.” What do you think?

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Coworker Apparently Just Going To Stare At Lunch In Microwave For Entire 3-Minute Cook Time

Tue, 2019-11-05 09:30

CLEVELAND—Noting his evident reluctance to break eye contact with the steadily rotating tupperware container, employees at Vizer Solutions speculated Tuesday that coworker Edward Morris was apparently just going to stare at his lunch in the microwave for the entire three-minute cook time. “Man, I guess his plan is to…

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