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Updated: 11 hours 51 min ago

Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential

Tue, 2020-06-23 15:50

CHICAGO—Calling it the next “hot, up-and-coming spot” for young professionals, local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential. “Look, I’ve been in this business a while,…

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Civil Whites

Tue, 2020-06-23 15:05
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Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump

Tue, 2020-06-23 14:59

The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald Trump, while criticizing the Trump campaign’s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators. What do you think?

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MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name

Tue, 2020-06-23 13:03

NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day,…

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Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans

Tue, 2020-06-23 12:51

STANFORD, CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality, a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University’s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation’s rich pets and poor citizens. “Our data shows a rapidly increasing…

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Tips For Composting

Tue, 2020-06-23 11:20
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Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts

Tue, 2020-06-23 11:17

WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an…

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Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type

Tue, 2020-06-23 09:39

Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.

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Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday

Tue, 2020-06-23 08:46

Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s birthday. What do you think?

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White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally

Mon, 2020-06-22 15:24

WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media, the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president’s recent rally in Tulsa. “Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe, President Trump was honored by the…

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Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:40

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to curtail the organization’s outsized influence, Facebook announced Monday that it would be implementing new steps to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful. “It’s long past time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has…

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Biden Outraises Trump For First Time

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:26

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign raised $80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign’s $74 million, the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed Biden for president. What do you think?

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Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag

Mon, 2020-06-22 14:11

CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you…

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Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit

Mon, 2020-06-22 13:58

WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation’s officials needed to stand up to the organization, public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. “Look, there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from…

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Day Mockingly Beautiful

Mon, 2020-06-22 11:15
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Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday

Mon, 2020-06-22 08:52

Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.

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Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked

Fri, 2020-06-19 10:37

It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.

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The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All

Fri, 2020-06-19 10:27

Stuck last minute trying to figure out a gift for the father who has everything he possibly needs? Well, these unique gift ideas will let your dad know you’ve been thinking about him.

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