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Updated: 18 hours 39 min ago

R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser

Wed, 2019-08-07 14:10

MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s…

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‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:47

The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.

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Mitch McConnell Wonders If He Could’ve Done More To Harm People In Private Sector

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:19

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his 34-year career in Congress that led to his becoming the most powerful person in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly noted Wednesday that he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he could’ve done more to harm people in the private sector. “Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a…

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Perfectionist Jon Gruden Forces ‘Hard Knocks’ To Film 78th Take Of Scene Where He Cuts Rookie

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:14

NAPA, CA—Determined to ensure the editing team “had enough coverage to work with,” perfectionist head coach Jon Gruden forced the ‘Hard Knocks’ production crew Wednesday to film 78 takes of a scene where he cuts a rookie running back. “I really liked how your face looked in that first take when I rattled off your…

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Pakistani-American Thrilled To See More People Who Could Feasibly Pass For His Nationality On Screen

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:07

HOUSTON—As he praised the growing representation in popular culture of people who at least superficially resemble him, local Pakistani-American Zabir Jalbani told reporters Wednesday he has been thrilled to see more characters on television and in movies who could feasibly pass for his nationality. “It’s really…

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Lawmaker Proposes Bill To Curb Social Media Addiction

Wed, 2019-08-07 10:30

Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban “addictive” social media features such as infinite scrolling effect and autoplay while introducing a 30 minute limit on such websites. What do you think?

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iPhone Paranoid Owner Knows It Working With FBI

Wed, 2019-08-07 10:00

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly…

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Nintendo Never Should Have Pandered To Women And Created A Female Mario

Wed, 2019-08-07 09:30

Nintendo has made some missteps over the years, whether it was the disappointing Wii U or basically every Star Fox game from the past 20 years. Through it all, I’ve remained a steadfast fan, eagerly awaiting every game release, console, and major announcements. But there is one atrocity I can never forgive. Nintendo…

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Being Eaten Alive By Shark Not Nearly As Terrifying As Man Had Imagined

Wed, 2019-08-07 09:00

NANTUCKET, MA—Admitting that his expectations about a shark attack turned out to be pretty far off-base, vacationing swimmer Drew Roberts remarked Wednesday that being eaten alive by a 12-foot great white was not nearly as frightening as he once believed it would be. “This is something that’s always paralyzed me with…

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8Chan, Popular Message Board For Mass Shooters, Goes Dark

Tue, 2019-08-06 16:23

8Chan, a message board that has served as a popular resource for right-wing extremists and shooters, has abruptly gone dark after being directly linked to the El Paso shooting that left 20 dead and dozens more wounded. What do you think? 

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‘New York Times’ Amends Recent ‘Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter’ Headline

Tue, 2019-08-06 13:15

NEW YORK—Following backlash from journalists, politicians, and the public, The New York Times announced Tuesday that it had amended a headline from the morning’s front page reading “Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter.” “The original headline did not live up to our standards of objectivity at The New York Times and…

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Sable & Rosenfeld Launches Ad Campaign Rebranding Their Cocktail Onions As Gamer Fuel

Tue, 2019-08-06 12:30

Put down those Doritos and dump that Monster Energy down the drain! Sable & Rosenfeld just launched a new ad campaign rebranding their cocktail onions as the ultimate gamer fuel. 

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5 Things To Know About Lyme Disease

Tue, 2019-08-06 12:00
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Casket To Be Closed Except For Mourners Who Want Peek At Something Really Crazy

Tue, 2019-08-06 11:30

PITTSBURGH—In an effort to respect the wishes of the deceased’s friends and family, funeral home director Don Chaffe confirmed Tuesday that Gary Meyer’s remembrance service would feature a closed casket except for those mourners who want a peek at something really crazy. “At such times of loss as this, it’s important…

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Consumer Report Indicates Slushies Lose 35% of Their Value Within First Year Of Purchase

Tue, 2019-08-06 10:30

DALLAS—Citing adverse factors such as rapid melting rates and poor syrup congealment, a consumer report published Tuesday revealed that the average slushy on the market today loses more than a third of its value within 12 months of initial purchase. “New slushies tend to depreciate quickly, with exposure to the sun or…

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Medical Procedure Could Delay Menopause By 20 Years

Tue, 2019-08-06 10:00

A medical procedure that could help women delay menopause for up to 20 years has been launched in Britain, potentially preventing serious health problems such as heart conditions and bone-weakening osteoporosis. What do you think?

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