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Nancy Pelosi Assures China Taiwan Visit Part Of Bachelorette Party She Didn’t Plan

Tue, 2022-08-02 14:20

TAIPEI—Responding to widespread condemnation of the trip from Chinese officials, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued an assurance Tuesday that her visit to Taiwan was simply part of a bachelorette party she didn’t plan. “Believe me, I would have loved to stay in the States and do something simple like get a cabin…

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Mitch McConnell Requests 50 Million Additional Gallons Of Floodwater For Kentucky Flood Victims

Tue, 2022-08-02 13:50

WASHINGTON—In response to the massive flooding in Appalachian mountain communities that has claimed at least 37 lives and displaced hundreds from their homes, Kentucky’s senior senator, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R), reportedly requested 50 million additional gallons of floodwater Tuesday for the state’s flood…

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Report Finds Damn, Al-Qaeda Has A Lot Of Guys

Tue, 2022-08-02 13:35

WASHINGTON—Following a U.S. drone strike that killed the terrorist organization’s leader, an intelligence report released Tuesday found that damn, al-Qaeda has a lot of guys. “After rigorous analysis of al-Qaeda’s membership structure, we have found that, holy shit, they’ve really got a ton of guys,” said military…

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Biggest Revelations From Josh Hawley’s New Book ‘Manhood’

Tue, 2022-08-02 09:06

Controversial Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is releasing a new book titled Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need as a defense of masculinity and its role in American democracy. While the book won’t be released for nearly a year, The Onion was able to secure an early draft. Here are the biggest revelations in

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House Passes Bill Banning Ownership Of Tigers, Lions

Tue, 2022-08-02 07:15

The House has passed a bill that would prohibit keeping tigers, lions, and other big cat species as pets, and ban direct public contact like cub petting. What do you think?

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Refreshingly Frank Therapist Suggests Shooting President

Tue, 2022-08-02 06:45

EVANSTON, IL—Expressing relief that she finally found a mental health professional whose style works for her, local woman Michelle Barrett’s refreshingly frank therapist reportedly suggested Tuesday that her client try shooting the president. “A lot of therapists I’ve worked with talk around in circles and try to…

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Woman At That Age Where All Her Friends Getting Prosecuted For Losing Pregnancies

Tue, 2022-08-02 06:30

DALLAS—Resigned to the fact she was “just at that age,” local 28-year-old Kelly Morton confirmed Tuesday that yet another one of her friends was getting prosecuted for losing a pregnancy. “It’s like I can’t go a single week without another girlfriend announcing she’s facing criminal charges for a miscarriage,” said…

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Estonia Announces Interest In Assuming America’s Role As Global Superpower

Tue, 2022-08-02 06:15

TALLINN, ESTONIA—Submitting their candidacy for the rest of the world to consider, officials from Estonia reportedly announced their interest Tuesday in assuming America’s role as the global superpower. “It’s pretty clear that America really isn’t capable of being the planet’s hegemonic power any longer, so we…

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Swarm Of Locusts Wishes People Would Stop Assuming They’re Sent To Bring God’s Wrath

Tue, 2022-08-02 06:00

SHILABO, ETHIOPIA—Expressing frustration over the constant stereotypes, a swarm of locusts told reporters Tuesday that they wished people would stop assuming they were always sent to bring God’s wrath. “It’s 2022, people—it is the height of unfairness and bad faith to assume that every time a bunch of us gather,…

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Michigan Supreme Court Bans LGBTQ+ Discrimination

Mon, 2022-08-01 15:08

The Michigan Supreme Court has expanded civil rights to LGBTQ+ residents in a landmark decision, ruling that the definition of sex in a decades-old Michigan discrimination law includes sexual orientation. What do you think?

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McConnell Reclaims Senate Majority After Convincing Dianne Feinstein She’s Always Been Republican

Mon, 2022-08-01 13:10

WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the Senate majority Monday after convincing Sen. Dianne Feinstein that she had always been a Republican. “I am once again proud to be the Senate majority leader and to head a caucus that includes my longtime…

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Skin Fact: Did You Know?

Mon, 2022-08-01 13:09
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Shipwreck That May Have Inspired ‘The Goonies’ Discovered Off Oregon Coast

Mon, 2022-08-01 11:34

Volunteer archaeologists spelunking along the Oregon coast found wood from a shipwreck that researchers think belonged to a Spanish galleon that capsized in the 17th century and may have also served as inspiration for the 1985 film The Goonies. What do you think?

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Parents Explain Why They Are Not Vaccinating Their Children Against Covid-19

Mon, 2022-08-01 09:05

Despite widespread evidence of the vaccine’s efficacy, four in 10 parents said they would not vaccinate their young children against Covid-19. The Onion asked them why they came to this decision, and this is what they said.

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Reasonable BTS Fan Only Sends Death Threats In Defense Of J-Hope

Mon, 2022-08-01 07:00

FREDERICKSBURG, PA—Saying she tried to keep a level head about matters like this, reasonable BTS fan Jessica Antwerp, 19, told reporters Monday that she only sends death threats in defense of lead singer J-Hope. “Look, there’s definitely a way to take fandom over the line, which is why I’ll only threaten to track down…

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Research Suggests Most Americans One Explosion Away From Disaster

Mon, 2022-08-01 06:45

CHICAGO—Warning that large swaths of the population had left themselves vulnerable, new research published Monday by the University of Chicago suggested that most Americans were one explosion away from disaster. “Our findings indicate that the average American is merely a single blast away from utter calamity,” said…

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Police Experimenting With Nonlethal Methods To Give Speeding Ticket

Mon, 2022-08-01 06:30

AKRON, OH—Theorizing there might be a way to occasionally complete a routine traffic stop without anybody dying, Ohio police announced plans Monday to begin experimenting with nonlethal methods of administering speeding tickets. “Basically, we’re toying with the possibility that there could theoretically be a means…

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White Coworkers Astonished That Black Woman’s Hair Could Miraculously Grow So Long Over Weekend

Mon, 2022-08-01 06:15

CHICAGO—Taken aback at what appeared to be an impossibly abrupt change in hairstyle, coworkers of local Black woman LeeAnn Hinsdale voiced astonishment Monday that her hair could grow so long over the weekend, describing the phenomenon as nothing short of a miracle. “Wow, it seemed like it was so short on Friday, but…

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