The Onion

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New NCAA Rule Forces Athletes To Remove All Facial Features To Prevent Them From Profiting Off Likeness

Thu, 2019-10-03 09:00

INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off their likenesses. “We take the amateur nature of our student athletes very…

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5 Things To Know About Eugene Scalia

Wed, 2019-10-02 18:53
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Amazon Issues Reminder To Employees About Bringing In Outside Thoughts To Work

Wed, 2019-10-02 15:35

SEATTLE—In a stern company-wide email sent to its more than 650,000 employees worldwide, Amazon reportedly issued a reminder Wednesday that the company expressly forbids bringing outside thoughts into the workplace. “This policy is stated clearly in our employee manual and posted prominently in every breakroom, but…

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Mark Zuckerberg Says He Will Sue If Elizabeth Warren Became President

Wed, 2019-10-02 15:18

Leaked audio comments from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg feature him venting his frustrations with Elizabeth Warren’s plan to break up big tech companies such as Facebook and suggesting that he would mount a legal challenge against the U.S. government to stave off this possibility. What do you think?

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Pompeo Clarifies Anyone In Country Can Listen In On Trump Administration Calls By Picking Up Phone, Dialing 9

Wed, 2019-10-02 14:01

WASHINGTON—Explaining that his presence on a phone call where President Donald Trump reportedly asked the president of Ukraine to investigate political rival Joe Biden was completely above board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo clarified Wednesday that anyone in the country can listen in on Trump administration phone…

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‘Are You The Whistleblower?’ Trump Boys Ask White House Janitor After Giving Him Serum Of All The Sodas Mixed Together

Wed, 2019-10-02 11:00

WASHINGTON—Strapping the suspect to a chair and demanding to know if “he was the whistleblower, or else,” the Trump boys reportedly spent hours interrogating a White House janitor Wednesday after giving him a serum of all the sodas mixed together. “Well, well, well, Mr. Janitor, good luck keeping secrets from our…

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J. Lo, Shakira To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show

Wed, 2019-10-02 10:30

Jennifer Lopez and Shakira announced they will appear together onstage for the first time headlining the 2020 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show. What do you think?

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His Holiness Has Repeatedly Stated This Is Not A Cult

Wed, 2019-10-02 10:00

DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and…

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Glade Introduces New Vanilla Passion Fruit Unmanned Aerial Application Vehicle

Wed, 2019-10-02 09:00

RACINE, WI—Promising a long-lasting fragrance coating vast swaths of land, air-freshener giant Glade introduced a powerful new vanilla passion fruit unmanned aerial application vehicle, company officials confirmed Wednesday. “This new aerial applicator allows our customers, and many potential customers, to enjoy the…

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Pros And Cons Of E-Cigarettes

Wed, 2019-10-02 08:30

The deaths of several people caused by using black-market vaping products have revived debate over whether e-cigarettes are safe, or whether their drawbacks outweigh any potential benefits. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of using e-cigarettes.

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Crime Scene Has All The Different Types Of Cops

Wed, 2019-10-02 08:00

PORTLAND, ME—After observing one cop barking orders, a second marking off the area with police tape, and a third drawing a chalk outline around a body, sources confirmed Wednesday that a crime scene in a downtown neighborhood appeared to have all the different types of cops. “There’s the ones with ties, the ones in…

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Trump Suggests Arresting Adam Schiff For Treason

Tue, 2019-10-01 16:44

Amidst escalating tensions from an impeachment inquiry looking into the president’s behavior, Donald Trump suggested House Intelligence Committee Representative Adam B. Schiff should be arrested for treason for his description of a phone call Mr. Trump had with the president of Ukraine during a recent congressional…

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New Facebook Terms Of Service Includes Compulsory Conscription Into Zuckerberg’s Upcoming War Against Government

Tue, 2019-10-01 15:53

MENLO PARK, CA—Calling the update “critical” for the security of its billions of users, Facebook unveiled a new Terms Of Service contract Tuesday that included compulsory conscription into Mark Zuckerberg’s upcoming war against the U.S. government. “By continuing to use Facebook, you hereby agree to serve as a loyal…

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Rudy Giuliani Subpoenaed Amidst Trump Impeachment Inquiry

Tue, 2019-10-01 15:39

The House Intelligence Committee issued a subpoena to Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, requiring him to turn over all documents related to his communications with Ukraine. What do you think?

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5 Things To Know About ‘Joker’

Tue, 2019-10-01 14:59
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Nutritionists Report They Wouldn’t Have To Figure Out Which Foods Were Bad For You If Americans Just Ate Normal For Once

Tue, 2019-10-01 14:41

BOSTON—Saying everything could be made a whole lot simpler with even a few halfway reasonable dietary choices, top U.S. nutritionists announced Tuesday they wouldn’t have to spend all their time figuring out which foods were bad for you if the nation would just try eating normal for once. “It’s really not that…

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