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The Onion
Bystanders Too Busy Complimenting Each Other’s Guns To Stop Mass Shooter
MARFA, TX—Completely unfazed by the countless screaming, blood-covered mall-goers who frantically sprinted past them, local bystanders Kevin Steele, Justin Reynolds, and Derek Davis were reportedly too busy complimenting each other’s guns Thursday to stop a mass shooting. “Oh my gosh, is that seriously an original,…
Coworker Has Sad Little Vacation Souvenir On Desk To Help Mentally Whisk Him Back To Boston
POTTSTOWN, PA—Commemorating his weekend-long trip with a depressing snow globe displayed prominently in his workspace, office payroll coordinator Andy Shinn keeps a sad little vacation souvenir on his desk to help mentally whisk him away to Boston, coworkers reported Thursday. “In the middle of a long day, this small…
Things To Never Say To Someone Who Owns A Tesla
Unless you’d like to get run over by a rich, angry tech bro with a chip on their shoulder, you might want to tread lightly when asking a Tesla driver about their car. Here are things you should never say to someone who owns a Tesla.
Fantasy Football League Ruined By Guy Who Won’t Update Roster Weeks After Wife’s Death
RAHWAY, NJ—Voicing frustrations about the competitive balance being thrown off, several players in a local fantasy football league told reporters Thursday their season was being ruined by a guy who wouldn’t update his roster weeks after his wife’s death. “It’s just so annoying—here you are trying to win the league and…
Alaska Cancels Snow Crab Season After 90% Of Population Disappears
Alaska has canceled the Bering Sea snow crab season for the first time ever due to an estimated 1 billion crabs disappearing over the last two years, the cause of which researchers are still investigating but could be linked to disease or climate change. What do you think?
Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior
A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?
Janet Yellen Rolls Up Sleeves To Take Another Crack At Interrogating Milk Jug Over Rising Food Prices
WASHINGTON—As she lit a cigarette and reentered the holding room, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen rolled up her sleeves Wednesday to take another crack at interrogating a milk jug over rising food prices, sources within the department confirmed. “Look, I’m not going to ask you again, what do you know about the latest…
Former High School Basketball Star Lands AA Sponsorship
ATHENS, GA—Signing to one of the top recovery programs in the country, former high school basketball star Brandon Palmer landed an Alcoholics Anonymous sponsorship, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We are honored to have such an esteemed local high school basketball star join our highly coveted roster of rehabilitated…
Pros And Cons Of E-Bikes
With nearly 1 million sold in 2021 and the U.S. market expected to keep growing, electric bikes have attracted their share of champions and critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of e-bikes.
Café Has Bathroom Code In Case Homeless Person Tries To Regain Scrap Of Own Humanity
Man Alarmed By Appearance Of First Gray Arm
MIDLAND, TX—Filled with dread by the sudden change in appearance, local man Ryan Williams was reportedly alarmed Wednesday to discover his first gray arm. “I know it’s probably normal, but God, it makes me feel ancient,” said Williams, who shook his head and sighed as he studied the silvery appendage in front of the…
Prison Warden Sadistic But Fair
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Acknowledging that the official was impartial in his ruthless abuse, local inmate Edward Anthony told reporters Wednesday that the prison warden was sadistic but fair. “Even though the warden has a tough job, I think he’s really good at doling out evil, cruel, and inhumane punishments in a way that’s…
More Businesses Offering Silver Fox Discounts To Seniors Who Still Got It
CINCINNATI—With the practice popping up everywhere from grocery stores to movie theaters, a new report confirmed Wednesday that more businesses have begun offering silver fox discounts to seniors who still got it. “We like to show a little appreciation to those of us who watched the moon landing but still look like…
What Infowars Viewers Are Saying About The Alex Jones Trial
Far-right conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay $965 million to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook school shooting. The Onion asked Infowars viewers what they thought about the verdict, and this is what they said.
Man Plays Saxophone Through His 9-Hour Brain Surgery
A musician undergoing complex “awake” brain surgery in Italy played the saxophone during his entire nine-hour operation to help doctors make sure they didn’t compromise his neurological functions. What do you think?
Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her
OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go…
Georgia Launches Text Alert System To Notify Officials Of Threats At Polls
Georgia launched a new text alert system for voting poll managers to notify officials of threats at the polls, the new incident-reporting tool created in response to threats made against state poll workers during and after the 2020 election. What do you think?
Police Chief Yells At Herschel Walker For Blowing Cover In Undercover-Senate-Run Operation
ATLANTA—Dressing down the former NFL running back for ruining a long-running investigation, a top law enforcement official reportedly yelled at Herschel Walker on Tuesday for blowing his own cover in a sting operation to place an undercover officer in Georgia’s Senate race. “Goddammit, Walker, three years of building…