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Scientists Plan To Resurrect Extinct Tasmanian Tiger

Wed, 2022-08-24 06:30

Researchers will attempt to resurrect the Tasmanian tiger, officially known as a thylacine, which used to roam the Australian bush, with the ambitious project harnessing advances in genetics, ancient DNA retrieval and artificial reproduction. What do you think?

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Big Ben Undergoes Routine Cleaning To Remove Hapless Tourists Dangling From Minute Hand

Wed, 2022-08-24 06:15

LONDON—In an effort to ensure the iconic clock tower maintained its pristine appearance for years to come, authorities at the Houses of Parliament announced Wednesday that Big Ben was undergoing routine cleaning to remove any hapless tourists dangling from the minute hand. “Over the past months, the clock face has…

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Tearful Norwegian Teen Bids Goodbye To Parents Before Leaving For National Service In Black-Metal Band

Wed, 2022-08-24 06:00

TROMSØ, NORWAY—Assuring his family and himself that two years would be over before they knew it, tearful Norwegian teen Svein Eriksen reportedly bid goodbye to his parents Wednesday before leaving for his mandatory national service in a black-metal band. “I know I must serve my country by playing bass and writing…

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Colleagues Give Dr. Fauci Rubella As Retirement Gift

Tue, 2022-08-23 16:00

WASHINGTON—In an effort to thank the outgoing director for his more than 50 years of dedicated public service, employees at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told reporters Tuesday they had given Dr. Anthony Fauci rubella as a retirement gift. “After all his hard work at the NIAID and serving…

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Fauci To Step Down In December

Tue, 2022-08-23 15:26

Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s top infectious disease expert who became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced he will leave the federal government in December, capping off more than five decades of public service. What do you think?

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Medical Student Totally Blanks On How To Solemnly Close Dead Patient’s Eyelids

Tue, 2022-08-23 11:30

BOSTON—Suddenly unable to recall his years of prior training in the heat of the moment, medical student Edward Hernon confirmed Tuesday he had totally blanked on the proper procedure to solemnly close a dead patient’s eyelids. “Okay, we just recorded the time of death, and I know I’m supposed to somberly give this guy…

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Gut Reaction

Tue, 2022-08-23 11:23
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How Did You Know He Was Cheating?

Tue, 2022-08-23 10:36
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Americans Explain Why The Minimum Wage Should Not Be Raised

Tue, 2022-08-23 08:46

While it’s obvious to anyone with common sense that workers don’t deserve fair wages, The Onion asked Americans across the country to explain why the minimum wage should not be increased.

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Landlord Informs Tenants Of Upcoming Improvements To His Lake House

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:45

CHICAGO—Alerting occupants that the private residence would be undergoing maintenance and remodeling, local landlord Keith Witman informed his tenants Tuesday of upcoming improvements to his lake house. “I’m emailing to let you all know that over the coming months, I will be making extensive upgrades to my weekend…

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Sacklers Ask Friend For Hookup To Buy Pharmaceutical Company From

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:30

AMAGANSETT, NY—Admitting they were experiencing major withdrawal, members of the Sackler family reportedly asked a friend Tuesday to provide them with the phone number of a hookup they could buy a pharmaceutical company from. “Gonna be honest, we’re kind of going through it right now and would appreciate it if we…

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Mom Compliments Foreigner On How Cheap Everything Is In Their Country

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:15

MÉRIDA, MEXICO—Remarking that her vacation to Mexico had been eye-opening, Denver resident and mother of three Kristine Kellen complimented several locals Tuesday on how cheap everything in their country was. “Oh my gosh, your country is so amazing—all of the food, clothes, and drinks have been one-third the price of…

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Dennis Rodman Plans Trip To Russia To Seek Brittney Griner’s Release

Tue, 2022-08-23 06:00

Former basketball player Dennis Rodman said he’s planning a visit to Russia to help secure the release of WNBA star Brittney Griner, who has been detained in the country since February. What do you think?

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Massachusetts Student Receives Violation For Wearing Hijab

Mon, 2022-08-22 15:54

A Massachusetts charter school wrote up an 8th grade student for a uniform infraction for wearing a hijab, with the school saying it understands its “handling of the situation came across as insensitive.” What do you think?

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Dream Fact: Did You Know?

Mon, 2022-08-22 12:21
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Generous Airbnb Host Offers Guests Copy Of Hidden Camera Footage To Commemorate Visit

Mon, 2022-08-22 08:52

DESTIN, FL—Explaining that the keepsake was provided entirely with his compliments, generous Airbnb host Miles Kuzman told departing guests Ryan Taylor and Sadie Firks that he would provide them with a copy of the footage from his hidden cameras to commemorate their visit, sources reported Monday. “As a fun little…

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Pennsylvanians Explain Why They Are Voting For Dr. Oz

Mon, 2022-08-22 08:51

Former television host and current Trump-endorsed Republican candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is running against Democratic Lt. Gov. John Fetterman in Pennsylvania’s U.S. Senate race. The Onion asked Pennsylvanians why they are voting for Oz, and this is what they said.

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Report Finds It Impossible To Save Money

Mon, 2022-08-22 07:00

BOULDER, CO—Noting that there was way too much stuff out there to buy, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that it was completely impossible to save money. “According to our data, any attempt to save your money is pointless,” said lead author Dr. David Wint, who found that of…

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Study Finds Even ‘Limited’ Nuclear War Would Kill Billions

Mon, 2022-08-22 06:45

According to a new international study, a “relatively small” nuclear conflict involving less than 3% of the world’s stockpiles could kill a third of the world’s population within two years, with hundreds of millions of starvation deaths following immediate fatalities. What do you think?

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