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Updated: 2 hours 48 min ago

Twitter To Promote Healthier Discussion By Letting One User Tweet At A Time

Tue, 2022-10-18 07:30

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to make the platform a more civil space, Twitter announced Monday that it would promote healthier discussions online by allowing only one user to tweet at a time. “Imagine you were having dinner with five or six friends and everyone just spoke at the same time—it wouldn’t work, because no…

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Food Banks Begin Accepting Donations From Homosexuals

Tue, 2022-10-18 07:15

WASHINGTON—Relaxing restrictions in response to critics who called their longstanding policies discriminatory, the FDA announced Tuesday that food banks would begin accepting donations from homosexuals. “It has been the practice to reject any food donations from sexually active gay men due to perceived health risks,…

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Americans Explain Why They Are Not Voting In The Midterms

Tue, 2022-10-18 07:00

With the midterms fast approaching, many voters have said they are planning to sit out the November elections. The Onion asked Americans why they are not voting, and this is what they said.

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$400,000 Of Meth Hidden In Pumpkins Found At Texas Border

Tue, 2022-10-18 06:45

Border patrol officials have found what the agency said was $400,000 worth of methamphetamine hidden inside pumpkins at the U.S–Mexico border in Texas. What do you think?

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Report Confirms Anyone Who Really Likes A Politician Is Insane

Tue, 2022-10-18 06:30

MEDFORD, MA—Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person who really, truly likes a politician is batshit insane. “Our findings established a conclusive link between experiencing genuine fondness…

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Kyrie Irving Alleges Kyrie Irving Just CIA Creation Made To Spread Misinformation To American People

Tue, 2022-10-18 06:00

BROOKLYN, NY—Telling reporters that he had uncovered the truth and needed to bring it to the public’s attention, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving alleged Tuesday that Kyrie Irving was just a CIA creation invented to spread misinformation to the American people. “The man known to most as the basketball star Kyrie…

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FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

Mon, 2022-10-17 15:31

The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?

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Daily Affirmation: Out Of My Hands

Mon, 2022-10-17 12:57
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Astronaut Returns From ISS With Annoying Space Accent

Mon, 2022-10-17 12:23

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Adopting an affected speech pattern upon reentering Earth’s atmosphere, an astronaut aboard a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule reportedly returned from the International Space Station with an annoying space accent Monday. “He was only in space for, like, nine months, and that is not long enough to pick up…

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