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The Onion
Math Teacher Makes Class Fun By Letting Students Pick Out Spanish Names
HUDSON, OH—In an effort to make learning both fun and immersive, local math teacher Carissa Gibbons told reporters Monday that she let students pick out their own Spanish names. “At the beginning of every year, I pass out a list and have the kids pick the new names we’ll use to refer to them in class—they always fight…
New Tennessee Law Requires Women To Wait 24 Hours Before Getting A Burger
NASHVILLE, TN—Joining a growing number of states imposing waiting period restrictions, Tennessee passed a new law Monday requiring women to wait 24 hours before getting a burger. “Thinking about getting a burger isn’t something anyone should do lightly, and we want women to understand there are consequences,” said…
Embarrassed Woman Sneaks Out Of House Morning After Sex With Husband
POCATELLO, ID—Wearing the same clothes she had on the day before, local resident Amy Tisdale snuck out of the house Monday morning, reportedly embarrassed following an ill-advised night of sex with her husband Doug Tisdale. “I can’t believe I actually slept with that uggo,” said Tisdale, who added that she had been as…
Russia Test-Fires New Nuclear-Capable Missile
Russia announced that it test-fired a new intercontinental ballistic missile in a move that President Vladimir Putin said would give the U.S. and its allies something to think about as the conflict in Ukraine intensifies. What do you think?
The Best Tourist Attraction In Every State
Football National Park: Over 1.5 million acres of wild helmets, balls, and jerseys.
Florida’s Changes To Textbooks And Curriculums
The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums.
Florida House Passes Bill Stripping Disney Of Self-Governing Status
The Florida state legislature passed a bill seeking to dissolve a special district that allows the Walt Disney Company to act as its own government within the outer limits of Orange and Osceola counties after the company voiced its opposition of the “Don’t Say Gay” law. What do you think?
Struggling AMC Threatens To Clamp Down On Theater Sharing
LEAWOOD, KS—Faced with a steep decline in growth over the past few years, struggling cinema chain AMC Entertainment Holdings announced Friday it would clamp down on the practice of theater sharing among its customers. “Due to the mounting economic pressures AMC faces, we can no longer allow multiple people to use the…
What Not To Say To Someone Having A Panic Attack
Just be patient. You can always dress them down for being weak-willed later. If someone is having a panic attack, never say these things.
Ikea Wardrobe Contains Cheap, Poorly Constructed Fantasy World Inside
BEACON, NY—Expressing disappointment in the enchanted kingdom’s shoddy craftsmanship and design, the children of the local Wentworth family told reporters Friday that the Ikea Klädskåp wardrobe they found in their uncle’s country estate contained a cheap, poorly constructed fantasy world inside. “When we first…
‘The Onion’ Guide To Tipping
Knowing whether and how much to tip for a service can be confusing, especially for a cheapskate like you. The Onion provides a comprehensive guide to tipping.
K-Y Introduces New Drowsy Nighttime Lube
PARSIPPANY, NJ—Introducing a variation on the brand’s well-known water-based personal lubricant, officials at K-Y announced Friday that their line of sexual enhancement products would be expanded to include a new drowsy nighttime lubricant. “K-Y P.M. is for those looking to bring a little more intimacy—and sleep—into…
Half-Lobster Scientist Just Going To Hope Coworkers Don’t Notice He Had Mishap With CRISPR
BERKELEY, CA—Admitting he felt self-conscious following a workplace accident involving the highly experimental gene-editing technology, a local half-lobster scientist told reporters Friday he would just have to hope his coworkers didn’t notice his CRISPR mishap. “The main thing I need to do is make sure I don’t slip…
Netflix Loses 200,000 Subscribers In First Part Of 2022
Netflix has reported losing subscribers for the first time in more than a decade, citing password sharing and recently suspending its service in Russia for the loss of 200,000 subscriptions. What do you think?
BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Purchased A 0.000000125% Stake In Twitter And Is Demanding A Seat On The Board
In an unprecedented move certain to bring the entire tech industry to its knees, The Onion proudly announces this afternoon that it has purchased a 0.000000125% stake in Twitter.