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Updated: 11 hours 29 sec ago

Child Snatches Foul Ball Away From Adult Who Could’ve Really Used The Win

Wed, 2023-06-07 07:30

CINCINNATI—A heartrending scene unfolded at a Tuesday night baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and Los Angeles Dodgers when a child reportedly snatched a foul ball away from an adult who could’ve really used the win. When the foul ball was hit into the stands during the sixth inning, it reportedly roused the…

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Man Who Went To Grocery Store Horny Leaves With Way Too Many Overripe Melons

Wed, 2023-06-07 07:00

GROVELAND, CA—Saying he knew he’d made a mistake the second he looked down at his shopping cart in the checkout line, local man Travis Fischer begrudgingly admitted to reporters Wednesday that he had purchased way too many overripe melons after going to the grocery store horny. “What was I thinking? Sure, I’m aroused…

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Apple Launches VR Headset

Wed, 2023-06-07 06:45

Apple announced a mixed-reality headset called Apple Vision Pro that “seamlessly” blends the real and digital worlds, which will start at $3,499 and launch early next year beginning in the U.S market. What do you think?

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Ford Unveils New 4-Lane SUV

Wed, 2023-06-07 06:30

DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new offering as the latest in safety, driving efficiency, and comfort, Ford officials unveiled Wednesday their new four-lane SUV. “Our all-new 2024 Ford Explorer 4XLT offers premium interior flexibility at a reasonable price point, boasting a 10 L 16-cylinder engine, 2,700 horsepower, and…

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Eli Lilly Unveils Insulin That Doesn’t Work On Poor People

Wed, 2023-06-07 06:15

INDIANAPOLIS—Announcing that landmark new laboratory methods had made the once dreamed-of medication a reality, pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly unveiled insulin Wednesday that doesn’t work on poor people. “Thanks to our proprietary advancements in cellular technology, the active ingredients in insulin will now only…

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Arlington National Cemetery Boosts Tourism By Adding Zip Line

Wed, 2023-06-07 06:00

ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to bring more visitors to the military burial site, officials at Arlington National Cemetery announced Wednesday they had added a zip line. “With holes in our budget and tourism numbers on the decline for years, we don’t see any reason why the new Arlington National Cemetery can’t inspire…

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Excited Parents Inform Only Child He’s Going To Have A Little Competitor For Their Love And Attention

Tue, 2023-06-06 15:10

AKRON, OH—Sitting the 4-year-old down to share their big news with him, Ella and Demetrius Hayes informed their only child Tuesday that, before long, he was going to have an adorable little rival for their love and attention. “Someone new will be joining our family, and pretty soon, you’ll have a baby brother to…

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What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs

Tue, 2023-06-06 15:00

Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.

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Taco Blues-Day

Tue, 2023-06-06 11:52
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Taylor Swift Fans React To Her Breakup With Matt Healy

Tue, 2023-06-06 07:19

After about one month of dating, Taylor Swift and English singer-songwriter Matt Healy have officially called it quits. The Onion asked Swifties how they felt about the artist’s latest high-profile breakup, and this is what they said.

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Twitter Users React To Elon Musk’s Censorship

Tue, 2023-06-06 07:00

Despite portraying himself as a paragon of free speech, Twitter owner Elon Musk has repeatedly given into the requests of powerful autocratic regimes to silence their citizens. The Onion asked Twitter users how they felt about Musk’s censorship, and this is what they said.

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Mid-Sized City’s So-Called Rush Hour Absolutely Pathetic

Tue, 2023-06-06 06:45

INDIANAPOLIS—Rolling his eyes at what barely constituted a congested highway, out-of-state driver Habib Khan told reporters Monday that Indianapolis’ so-called rush hour traffic was absolutely pathetic. “So this is what everyone was warning me about? It’s 8:30 a.m. on a Monday, and there’s maybe, like, three cars at…

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Pentagon Releases Images That Appear To Show Random Chinese Guy

Tue, 2023-06-06 06:30

WASHINGTON—Claiming the seemingly unconnected private citizen was evidence of something probably, the Pentagon released images Tuesday that appeared to show a random Chinese guy. “Though we do not know his name or anything about him, we in the U.S. military find these newly declassified satellite photographs of a…

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Landfill Of Fast Fashion Clothing Now Large Enough To Be Seen From Space

Tue, 2023-06-06 06:15

A mountain of unused fast fashion clothing items in the Atacama Desert in Chile has grown so large that satellites have captured clear images of it. What do you think?

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Frightened Man Momentarily Forced To Engage With Reality In Between TV Episodes

Tue, 2023-06-06 06:00

CALDWELL, ID—Hyperventilating in panic from the end credits of one show to the opening theme of the next, local man Ferris Temple confirmed Tuesday that he was frightened after momentarily being forced to engage with reality in between TV episodes. “It was horrifying just sitting there with only the contents of my own…

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Airline To Weigh Passengers Before They Board Flight

Mon, 2023-06-05 17:05

Air New Zealand will be asking to weigh passengers departing on international flights as part of a voluntary survey to gather data on the weight load and distribution for planes. What do you think?

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Unprepared Tim Cook Frantically Taping Battery To Pair Of Sunglasses For Apple Event

Mon, 2023-06-05 13:45

CUPERTINO, CA—Muttering “Come on, come on” under his breath as he attempted to bind the two objects together, an unprepared Tim Cook was frantically taping a battery to a pair of sunglasses ahead of his keynote at the Apple Worldwide Developers Conference, sources confirmed Monday. “I’ll call them, uh, the all-new…

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Elizabeth Holmes Discovers Secret Of Theranos Technology Right As Prison Cell Door Closes

Mon, 2023-06-05 13:35

BRYAN, TX—Jumping up and down and shouting when the answer she’d spent years searching for finally came into focus, prison inmate Elizabeth Holmes reportedly discovered how to make the Theranos blood analyzer work last week at the exact moment the cell door closed on her for the first time. “Oh my God, that’s…

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Pence Says Decision To Run For President Came After God Told Him He Could Get 6-Figure Speaking Deal From It

Mon, 2023-06-05 13:30

DES MOINES, IA—Speaking at a kickoff rally shortly after launching his candidacy, former Vice President Mike Pence told supporters Monday that his decision to run for president came after God convinced him he could get a six-figure speaking deal from it. “I asked the Lord in a moment of prayer whether running for…

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