The Onion

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Updated: 11 hours 4 min ago

Study: Risk Of Catastrophic Megafloods In California Have Doubled

Tue, 2022-08-16 15:10

Scientists have concluded that a climate change has doubled the likelihood over the next four decades of California experiencing a megaflood, in which a series of storms could dump several feet of rain over weeks, submerging cities and displacing millions of people. What do you think?

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Dick Cheney Launches Last-Minute Invasion Of Wyoming To Bolster Daughter’s Reelection

Tue, 2022-08-16 14:00

WILSON, WY—As Humvees and Halliburton tanks rolled across the state’s borders under cover of darkness, former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly commanded a full-scale invasion of Wyoming early Tuesday in an effort to bolster his daughter’s reelection chances. “The corrupt campaigns in Wyoming’s congressional…

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Unambitious Psychopath Still Only Killing Small Animals

Tue, 2022-08-16 11:20

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Failing to live up to his potential to be one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, unambitious psychopath Jared Darby was still only killing small animals, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think that after all this time he’d have moved on to killing people, but no, he’s still just…

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History Fact: Did You Know?

Tue, 2022-08-16 10:25
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Report: Nothing Beats Seeing Yankees Lose At Home

Tue, 2022-08-16 07:59

NEW YORK—An exhaustive report drawing on data compiled over the past several decades and released Tuesday concluded that nothing beats seeing the New York Yankees lose at home. “After observing millions of different scenarios, we have confirmed that seeing the Yankees lose a home game and watching their awful fans…

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Department Of Transportation Allocates $2 Billion To Finally Make Nation Look All Futuristic And Shit

Tue, 2022-08-16 07:30

WASHINGTON—Highlighting a variety of groundbreaking infrastructure projects, the U.S. Department of Transportation announced Tuesday it would allocate $2 billion toward a major new initiative to finally make the nation look all futuristic and shit. “Everything is going to have this super sleek and angular design, and…

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Report: Your Tax Dollars Went To Raytheon Trying To Invent An Exploding Knife

Tue, 2022-08-16 07:00

WASHINGTON—As part of a government effort to improve transparency in the allocation of national revenues, a personalized IRS report that arrived in your mailbox Tuesday confirmed your tax dollars last year went to defense contractor Raytheon as part of an effort to invent an exploding knife. “The percentage of your…

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Customer Listens Silently As Barber Describes All Of The Actresses He’d Have Sex With

Tue, 2022-08-16 06:45

CLEVELAND—Sitting stock-still and staring into the middle distance while the hairdresser outlined his sexual inclinations toward assorted famous women, local customer Peter Sargent reportedly listened silently Tuesday as his barber Greg Tarlton listed all the actresses he’d have sex with. “Oh, yeah, that Megan Fox is…

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Florida Police Order Beachgoers To Stop Interrupting Manatees Having Sex

Tue, 2022-08-16 06:30

Police in Florida are asking people to stop interrupting manatees while they’re mating after beachgoers were seen trying to touch the mammals while they engaged in a group mating session known as a “manatee ball”. What do you think?

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Americans Explain Why They Support The Death Penalty

Tue, 2022-08-16 06:15

Capital punishment is an extremely controversial part of an already-fraught U.S. justice system. The Onion asked everyday Americans why they support it, and this is what they said.

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Study Finds You Should Talk More, People Want To Hear What You Think

Tue, 2022-08-16 06:00

YOUR LOCATION—Stressing that you probably had hundreds of good ideas in your head that deserved to be shared, a study released Tuesday found that you should talk more and that people want to hear what you think. “You doubt yourself too much—everyone feels that way,” read the report in part, questioning the way…

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FBI Search Warrant Shows Trump Suspected Of Violating Espionage Act

Mon, 2022-08-15 15:20

Newly unsealed search warrants related to the FBI’s raid at Mar-a-Lago show the former president is being investigated by the Department of Justice for potential violations of the Espionage Act related to the 11 sets of classified records recovered at his estate. What do you think?

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City’s Primary Investment In Community Comes Through Police Department’s Wrongful Death Settlements

Mon, 2022-08-15 15:10

ST. LOUIS—Touting their continued support of citizens in the city’s economically disadvantaged neighborhoods, officials in St. Louis told reporters Monday that their primary investment in the community came through the police department’s wrongful death settlements. “Millions of dollars have been pumped into our most…

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Man Realizes Parents Only Pushed Him Hard To Make Him Insecure For Rest Of Life

Mon, 2022-08-15 13:40

CHICO, CA—Acknowledging that he hated the constant badgering while growing up, local man Joseph Porter told reporters Monday that he realized his parents only pushed him so hard to make him insecure for the rest of his life. “At the time, I couldn’t see it, but now I understand that all their pressure was just…

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Sand Trap

Mon, 2022-08-15 13:21
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Conservatives Question Why FBI Raided Mar-A-Lago While Dick Dastardly Remains Free

Mon, 2022-08-15 11:35

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that authorities were ignoring the real criminals in favor of a targeted witch hunt against Donald Trump, prominent conservatives questioned Monday why the FBI would spend time raiding Mar-a-Lago when Dick Dastardly remained free. “Why is it that Donald Trump has to live his life being…

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