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- Global: Nurse union leaders from around the world demand governments address health impacts of the climate crisis
- Global: Investors with more than US$2.2 tn in assets launch global network focused on workers’ rights
- Global: COP28: Trade unions call for a labour-inclusive Just Transition
- Canada: Here’s why union support is so high right now
- Bangladesh: Disastrous Outcome on Wages Made Worse by the Price Workers Are Paying for Speaking out
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The Onion
Woman Flattered Doctor Thinks She Has Eating Disorder
BERWYN, IL—Beaming as she explained that she was just eating and exercising normally, local woman Jamie Fisher told reporters Monday she was flattered that her doctor thought she had an eating disorder. “Aw, that’s so sweet that he thought I was skinny enough to be starving myself in a dangerous, medically diagnosable…
Every Season Finale Of Drama Ends With Close-Up Of Supposedly Dead Character’s Eyes Springing Open
LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the twist never ceased to shock and amaze them, fans reported Monday that every season finale of the popular drama Black Gardens ended with a close-up of a supposedly dead character’s eye springing open. “Yeah, so they did this in the first five seasons with other characters, but this time…
Historic Hawaiian Town Razed By Wildfire
The historic seaside town of Lahaina that was once the capital of the Kingdom of Hawaii has been largely reduced to ash as wildfires continued to rip through the state, with 36 people already confirmed dead. What do you think?
Saudis Attempt To Normalize Ties With Israel By Air-Striking Gaza
RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Insisting that they wished to demonstrate they were negotiating in good faith, Saudi officials announced Friday they had attempted to normalize ties with Israel by conducting an air strike in Gaza that killed eight Palestinians and left dozens more wounded. “As an olive branch to Israeli…
Scooter Braun Announces Plans To Also Re-Record Taylor Swift’s Masters
LOS ANGELES—Announcing that he was following the artist’s lead, music executive Scooter Braun confirmed Friday that he would also be re-recording Taylor Swift’s masters. “I just think it’s only right that I get paid for my music,” said Braun, who said the newly recorded tracks would be labeled “Scooter’s Version” so…
Barack Obama Opens New Electronics Store
CHICAGO—Saying he was ready to start a new chapter in his post-presidency, Barack Obama spoke with reporters Friday about his latest project, opening an electronics store on the South Side of Chicago. “Back during the pandemic, when we were all stuck at home, I taught myself how to do simple laptop repairs, fix a…
Everything Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Received From Donors
Justice Clarence Thomas has enjoyed luxury vacations, flights on private jets, and a number of other extravagant and incredibly expensive gifts while serving on the Supreme Court. The Onion examines everything Justice Thomas received from donors.
Amazon Unveils Giant Camera That Tells Users What To Do
SEATTLE—Touting the device’s state-of-the-art video and audio capabilities, Amazon unveiled its new giant camera Friday that tells users what to do. “This floor-to-ceiling camera is the first auto-commanding device of its kind that blares accurate, up-to-the-minute instructions to the user on exactly what they should…
Fox Sports Begin Search For New Fresh Body To Host Skip Bayless
LOS ANGELES—Announcing that the network wanted to shake up their Undisputed coverage team, Fox Sports began a search this week for a new fresh body to host Skip Bayless. “We strive to offer our viewers the best coverage we can, and Skip is ready for a new host on which to feed,” said Fox Sports CEO Eric Shanks,…
Liberals Explain Why Homelessness Should Be Criminalized
Despite having many seemingly progressive views, many people who identify as liberal still support laws that make it illegal for the unhoused to exist in public spaces. The Onion asked liberals why they believe homelessness should be criminalized, and this is what they said.
Puzzled Biden Repeatedly Slams Hand Into Front Of Glass Display Case Attempting To Grab Pastry
WASHINGTON—Stopping at a local café for a quick bite between campaign events, a puzzled President Joe Biden repeatedly slammed his hand into the front of a glass display case while attempting to grab a pastry, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, that looks just too darn good to pass up—ouch, what the heck?” said the…
America’s Foreign Policy Forces USA Women’s World Cup Team To Intervene In Japan-Sweden Match
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND—Following President Biden’s authorization of the use of force early Friday morning, the USA Women’s World Cup team was reportedly directed to intervene in the Japan-Sweden match. In what supporters of the action have praised as reasserting America’s dominant place on the global stage, the members…
New Healthcare Breakthroughs Provide Hope That Baby Boomers Will Never Leave Positions Of Power
NEW YORK—Hailing recent milestones as a new golden age of medicine, experts confirmed this week that healthcare breakthroughs over the past decade provide hope that baby boomers might never have to leave their positions of power. “Thanks to rapid advancements in gene therapy, machine learning, and precision medicine,…
Study Finds Crocodiles Attracted To Distressed Cries Of Infants
A study that played the sounds of human and other ape babies crying out over a speaker found that crocodiles were drawn to the noises, in particular to the shrieks that sounded the most distressed. What do you think?
DeSantis Has Surprisingly Smooth Verbal Exchange With Iowa State Fair Corn Dog
DES MOINES, IA—Praising the presidential candidate for nailing a high-profile stop on his campaign tour, witnesses confirmed Thursday that Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis had a surprisingly smooth verbal exchange with a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair. “Frankly, I know he’s struggled with voter interactions in the past, but…
What To Know About The Hunter Biden Scandal
Hunter Biden recently pleaded not guilty to two tax evasion charges in the latest scandal for the embattled son of the president. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Hunter Biden scandal
Softer Bob Iger Now Says He Hopes Striking Creatives Die Painlessly
BURBANK, CA—Moderating from his earlier position, a softer Bob Iger told reporters Thursday that he now hopes striking creatives die painlessly. “After a lot of soul searching, I’ve come around to idea that striking writers and actors shouldn’t be in agony when they finally succumb to death,” said the Disney CEO,…
Dianne Feinstein Recovering After Hospital Gurney Plunges Down Stairs And Launches Her Into Wall
SAN FRANCISCO—Addressing her continued health problems, a spokesman for Dianne Feinstein confirmed Thursday that the California Democrat was recovering nicely after the gurney she was on plunged down a flight of stairs and launched her into a wall just as she was about to be discharged from the hospital. “Not to…