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Updated: 19 hours 9 min ago

How To Get The Secret ‘Objective Failed’ Ending In ‘Gears 5’

Tue, 2019-10-01 13:27

Ever since Gears 5 was released in early September, it’s been stunning critics and fans alike with its astounding graphics, compelling characters, and rich storytelling. Well, it looks like the developers at The Coalition have a few more tricks up their sleeves, because OGN just stumbled onto a secret, alternate…

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Bernie Sanders Unveils Plan To Tackle Income Inequality With Art Heist From Billionaire’s Home

Tue, 2019-10-01 13:12

LAS VEGAS—Championing his new policy proposal as a way to reduce the gap between the working class and the 1%, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled a comprehensive plan Tuesday to tackle income inequality with an art heist from a billionaire’s home. “We should not be living in a country where all…

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70-Year-Old Man Worried He Running Out Of Time To Have Kids

Tue, 2019-10-01 12:58

TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was running out of time to have kids. “My biological clock is ticking, and I’m concerned there won’t be many more opportunities to start a family,” said…

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Bill Belichick Praises Patriots’ Discipline And Dedication In Building The Device

Tue, 2019-10-01 12:32

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Lauding the team for making necessary sacrifices for the greater cause, New England head coach Bill Belichick praised the 2019 Patriots Tuesday for their discipline and dedication in building the device. “This a driven team—they’re working day in and day out, putting it all together, always aware that…

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TSA To Phase Out Glue-Sniffing Dogs

Tue, 2019-10-01 09:30

ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes…

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Biz-Aria

Tue, 2019-10-01 09:00
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Man Feels Pressure To Propose After Dating Girlfriend For 3 Years, Buying Ring, Getting Down On One Knee

Tue, 2019-10-01 08:30

VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man,…

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Child Pointing Out Cow On Side Of Road Must Think Parents Don’t Have Fucking Eyes

Mon, 2019-09-30 17:58

AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could miss it, 2-year-old Owen Kincaid reportedly pointed out a cow to his parents Monday, acting as if they don’t have eyes in their fucking heads. “Cow!” said Kincaid, who,…

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Trump Aides Investigating Whistleblower Struggling To Identify Single Person In CIA With Moral Principles

Mon, 2019-09-30 16:20

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they faced a serious roadblock in their effort to unmask the source of a leaked complaint about the president’s conversations with Ukraine, aides to Donald Trump investigating a whistleblower reported to be a CIA agent were struggling Monday to identify a single person in the agency with…

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Poll Finds Support For Impeachment Growing

Mon, 2019-09-30 16:05

Following the announcement that the House would be initiating an impeachment inquiry, support for starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump grew among Americans from 36% to 43%, suggesting that the nation may be amenable to the process moving forward. What do you think?

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Authorities Theorize Santa Anita Race Track Deaths Could Be Work Of Horse Serial Killer

Mon, 2019-09-30 16:01

ARCADIA, CA—After the death of 3-year-old colt Emtech this weekend marked the racetrack’s 32nd equine fatality of the year, investigators stated Monday that the unusual mortality rate at Santa Anita Park could potentially be the work of a horse serial killer. “After examining hoofprints at the crime scene and pulling…

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Well, At Least High School Teacher And Student Ended Up Getting Married

Mon, 2019-09-30 13:14

RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway…

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Deal Alert: Your Parents Have Promised To Buy You ‘Let’s Go Pikachu’ If You Can Make It Through Rosh Hashanah This Year Without Biting Anyone

Mon, 2019-09-30 12:37

If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.

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Underprepared Second-Grade Teacher Really Leaning On Class’s Slow Readers To Eat Up Some Clock

Mon, 2019-09-30 11:59

ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher Judy Fabacher confirmed Monday that she’d really been leaning on her class’s slow readers to eat up some clock. “Alright, we have 20 more minutes before you get to go to…

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Friend Group Annoyed They Never See Melissa Anymore Now That She’s Dating Guy Who Keeps Her Locked In Chamber At Top Of Tallest Tower

Mon, 2019-09-30 11:40

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she had been extremely flaky since meeting her new boyfriend in an enchanted forest, a local group of twentysomethings expressed annoyance Monday that they never see Melissa anymore now that she’s dating a guy who keeps her locked away in a chamber at the top of the tallest tower. “Honestly, it…

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Intrusive Thought Actually Making Compelling Argument For Taking Clothes Off In Public Park

Mon, 2019-09-30 11:37

CHICAGO—Saying the loud, unwelcome voice in her head had actually made some very good points about just doing it already, local woman Jenny Fabela told reporters Monday that an intrusive thought laid out a very compelling argument for taking her clothes off in a public park. “You know, at first, I wasn’t on board, but…

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McDonald’s Testing New Beyond Burger-Based P.L.T. Sandwich

Mon, 2019-09-30 08:00

McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?

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