WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill Friday that would rapidly expand veterans’ access to burn pits. “We’ve heard your concerns, and we want to assure you the GOP is fighting hard to ensure the nation’s brave veterans are breathing the toxins…
A Chick-fil-A restaurant in Hendersonville, NC is facing backlash after posting an offer on Facebook for volunteers to work the drive-thru in exchange for free food instead of pay. What do you think?
Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.
“I voted no because the bill would create $400 billion in unnecessary spending to help people.”
LAS VEGAS—Urging concertgoers to pick up a version of the multiplatinum pop star before entering the venue, bootlegger Frank Rossi spent Friday outside the Dolby Live theater in Las Vegas trying to convince fans to buy knockoff Lady Gagas. “All right, everyone, get your authentic Lady Gagas here, 20 bucks, no…
PLANO, TX—Touting the benefits of the vehicle for the contemporary American lifestyle, Toyota unveiled a multifamily tenement sedan Friday for people living out of their cars. “With 150 horsepower, a state-of-the-art navigational system, and retractable particle-board walls, the Toyota Tenement is perfect for the…
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Praising the recently formed LIV Golf league for partnering with him on the groundbreaking event, former President Donald Trump hosted the Saudi-backed “Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint” Tournament Friday at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. “This is going to be a really great weekend, not just for…
A California man has sued Mars, the company that makes Skittles, claiming the use of titanium dioxide in the candy makes it “unfit for human consumption,” the additive being linked to genotoxicity which can potentially cause cancer. What do you think?
WASHINGTON—Remarking how nice it was to get out of the house and do something active for once, citizens of the United States of America shared a romantic date Friday on a 330 million-person tandem bike. “Oh wow, I love feeling the breeze in my hair, and being able to explore our surroundings in such a new and exciting…
The Mega Millions jackpot has skyrocketed to $1.02 billion after no ticket matched all six winning numbers in Tuesday night’s drawing, making it the third largest lottery jackpot in history. What do you think?
BEIJING—Warning the United States that the House Speaker would be spared, China reportedly threatened to retaliate Thursday for Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan by letting her return safely. “Should Nancy Pelosi follow through with her planned trip to Taiwan, China will be forced to take the hostile measure to weaken…
LOS ANGELES—With the national lottery prize ballooning to nearly $1 billion in recent days, local woman Julia Ortega, an IT specialist who purchased a single Mega Millions ticket with her coworkers, confirmed Thursday that she already knew how she would dispose of their bodies. “Obviously, there’s a really slim chance…
People, especially climate change deniers, love it when you prove them wrong. If someone says they don’t believe in global warming, try saying the following things.
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Facing criticisms of police brutality and unnecessary use of lethal force on a suspect, officers from the Little Rock Police Department stated in a press conference Thursday that the unarmed Black man they shot had been attacking them with psychic hallucinations. “Though the suspect in question did not…