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Updated: 3 hours 29 min ago

Backpedaling Republicans Unveil Bill Rapidly Expanding Veterans’ Access To Burn Pits

Fri, 2022-07-29 14:15

WASHINGTON—Countering the stalled PACT Act with a measure of their own, Senate Republicans unveiled a new bill Friday that would rapidly expand veterans’ access to burn pits. “We’ve heard your concerns, and we want to assure you the GOP is fighting hard to ensure the nation’s brave veterans are breathing the toxins…

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Chick-fil-A Faces Backlash After Asking For ‘Volunteers’ To Work For Food, Not Money

Fri, 2022-07-29 13:49

A Chick-fil-A restaurant in Hendersonville, NC is facing backlash after posting an offer on Facebook for volunteers to work the drive-thru in exchange for free food instead of pay. What do you think?

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The Yeast They Could Do

Fri, 2022-07-29 11:11
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Beyoncé: A Career Timeline

Fri, 2022-07-29 11:10

Beyoncé will release her seventh album, Renaissance, on July 29. The Onion looks back at the major milestones in the career of one of the world’s most celebrated artists.

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Republicans Explain Why They Voted Against Veterans’ Healthcare

Fri, 2022-07-29 09:22

“I voted no because the bill would create $400 billion in unnecessary spending to help people.”

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Bootlegger Outside Concert Selling Knockoff Lady Gagas

Fri, 2022-07-29 07:30

LAS VEGAS—Urging concertgoers to pick up a version of the multiplatinum pop star before entering the venue, bootlegger Frank Rossi spent Friday outside the Dolby Live theater in Las Vegas trying to convince fans to buy knockoff Lady Gagas. “All right, everyone, get your authentic Lady Gagas here, 20 bucks, no…

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Toyota Unveils Multifamily Tenement Sedan For People Living Out Of Their Cars

Fri, 2022-07-29 07:15

PLANO, TX—Touting the benefits of the vehicle for the contemporary American lifestyle, Toyota unveiled a multifamily tenement sedan Friday for people living out of their cars. “With 150 horsepower, a state-of-the-art navigational system, and retractable particle-board walls, the Toyota Tenement is perfect for the…

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Trump Hosts Saudi-Backed ‘Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint’ Golf Tournament

Fri, 2022-07-29 07:00

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Praising the recently formed LIV Golf league for partnering with him on the groundbreaking event, former President Donald Trump hosted the Saudi-backed “Jamal Khashoggi Was No Saint” Tournament Friday at the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. “This is going to be a really great weekend, not just for…

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Skittles Lawsuit Claims Candy ‘Unfit For Human Consumption’

Fri, 2022-07-29 06:45

A California man has sued Mars, the company that makes Skittles, claiming the use of titanium dioxide in the candy makes it “unfit for human consumption,” the additive being linked to genotoxicity which can potentially cause cancer. What do you think?

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Nation Spends Romantic Date On 330-Million-Person Tandem Bike

Fri, 2022-07-29 06:15

WASHINGTON—Remarking how nice it was to get out of the house and do something active for once, citizens of the United States of America shared a romantic date Friday on a 330 million-person tandem bike. “Oh wow, I love feeling the breeze in my hair, and being able to explore our surroundings in such a new and exciting…

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Mega Millions Jackpot Hits $1 Billion

Thu, 2022-07-28 16:06

The Mega Millions jackpot has skyrocketed to $1.02 billion after no ticket matched all six winning numbers in Tuesday night’s drawing, making it the third largest lottery jackpot in history. What do you think?

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China Threatens To Retaliate For Pelosi’s Taiwan Trip By Letting Her Return Safely

Thu, 2022-07-28 14:30

BEIJING—Warning the United States that the House Speaker would be spared, China reportedly threatened to retaliate Thursday for Nancy Pelosi’s trip to Taiwan by letting her return safely. “Should Nancy Pelosi follow through with her planned trip to Taiwan, China will be forced to take the hostile measure to weaken…

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Woman Who Bought Mega Millions Ticket With Coworkers Already Knows How She’ll Dispose Of Their Bodies

Thu, 2022-07-28 13:45

LOS ANGELES—With the national lottery prize ballooning to nearly $1 billion in recent days, local woman Julia Ortega, an IT specialist who purchased a single Mega Millions ticket with her coworkers, confirmed Thursday that she already knew how she would dispose of their bodies. “Obviously, there’s a really slim chance…

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What To Say To Someone Who Denies Climate Change

Thu, 2022-07-28 09:01

People, especially climate change deniers, love it when you prove them wrong. If someone says they don’t believe in global warming, try saying the following things.

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Police Officers Claim Unarmed Black Man They Shot Was Attacking Them With Psychic Hallucinations

Thu, 2022-07-28 07:00

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Facing criticisms of police brutality and unnecessary use of lethal force on a suspect, officers from the Little Rock Police Department stated in a press conference Thursday that the unarmed Black man they shot had been attacking them with psychic hallucinations. “Though the suspect in question did not…

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