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Opioid Deaths Declining

Fri, 2019-08-09 10:00

Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?

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Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra

Fri, 2019-08-09 09:30

NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards Friday with the release of their new 3-cup bra. “Women will see the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria and think they are somehow 33%…

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Timeline Of Capital Punishment In The U.S.

Fri, 2019-08-09 09:00

The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion looks back at the history of capital punishment in the United States.

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Poll Finds 84% Say Americans Angrier Than Generation Ago

Thu, 2019-08-08 16:46

A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91% of respondents individuals were more likely to air their frustrations over social media than in person. What do you think?

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‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim

Thu, 2019-08-08 15:29

EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump consoled an El Paso shooting victim Thursday while wolfing down a bowl of chili. “It’s really terrible what that hurricane or whatever did to your house,” said Trump, who quickly polished off the chili by lifting up…

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New Amazon Service Lets Customers Boost Shipping Speed With Easy One-Click Charge To Whip Delivery Person

Thu, 2019-08-08 14:00

SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster…

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Child Concerned Parents Might Never Amount To Anything

Thu, 2019-08-08 13:22

SAN DIEGO—Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, local child James Lipstein, 12, told reporters Thursday that he was increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything. “I’ll always love them, of course, but I’m starting to think that if they don’t…

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Francis Ford Coppola Spends Afternoon Hawking Samples Of Coppola Winery Cabernet To Indifferent Grocery Store Shoppers

Thu, 2019-08-08 12:44

SONOMA COUNTY, CA—Touting the quality and value of his extensive line of fine wines, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola spent Thursday afternoon hawking Coppola Winery Cabernet samples to generally indifferent shoppers at his local Ralphs supermarket. “I told this nice young couple about the high-quality grapes we…

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FBI Opens Domestic Terrorism Investigation Into Gilroy, Dayton Shootings

Thu, 2019-08-08 10:30

The FBI will open a domestic terrorism investigation into the individuals responsible for the Gilroy and Dayton shootings after finding suggestions that the suspects were exploring several “competing” violent ideologies that may have influenced them. What do you think?

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How To Procrastinate Productively

Thu, 2019-08-08 09:30
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Stroller Recalled After Manufacturer Discovers Branding Not Visible Enough

Thu, 2019-08-08 09:00

PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the products should never have left the factory floor with such blatant defects, infant-mobility giant Graco issued a recall of several stroller models Thursday after discovering that the company’s branding was not visible enough. “We apologize to anyone who recently purchased one of our…

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House Republicans Face Exodus

Wed, 2019-08-07 17:58

With seven of their colleagues from a wide range of districts announcing their exit from the House of Representatives, Republicans are facing a reckoning that could allow Democrats to make further inroads in 2020. What do you think?

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R. Kelly Fan Trying To Separate Image Of Beloved ’90s Abuser From Reviled ’10s Abuser

Wed, 2019-08-07 14:10

MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s…

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‘Shark Tank’ Turns 10

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:47

The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.

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Mitch McConnell Wonders If He Could’ve Done More To Harm People In Private Sector

Wed, 2019-08-07 12:19

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his 34-year career in Congress that led to his becoming the most powerful person in the Senate, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reportedly noted Wednesday that he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he could’ve done more to harm people in the private sector. “Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a…

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