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Cautious Rock Climber Cuts Off Arm To Prevent It From Getting Pinned Underneath Fallen Boulder

Fri, 2023-01-20 07:15

MONTICELLO, UT—Repeating the old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, cautious rock climber Mitchell Bradford reportedly cut off his arm Friday to prevent it from getting pinned beneath any falling boulders. “Safety comes first, and when you amputate an arm before a big climb, you can be 100%…

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Things To Never Say To Someone Doing ‘Dry January’

Fri, 2023-01-20 07:00

Dry January is a monthlong challenge during which participants are encouraged to remain sober to improve their “health” and promote “responsible drinking habits.” Should you know someone insane enough to try it, never say these things.

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China’s Population Drops For First Time In Decades

Thu, 2023-01-19 14:55

China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?

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Aaron Rodgers To Decide Future By Consulting With Coven Of Trusted Witches

Thu, 2023-01-19 09:52

GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career plans by consulting with a coven of his trusted witches. “I need to take some time…

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YouTube Speedrunner Becomes Full-Blown Fascist In Record Time

Thu, 2023-01-19 08:30

RUTLAND, VT—After he clicked at blinding speed through recommended videos touting election conspiracy theories, holocaust denial, and outright ethnic cleansing, sources confirmed Thursday that local YouTube speedrunner James Flannery had become a full-blown fascist in record time. According to reports, the speedrun,…

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Parents Feel Safer Letting Kids Drink And Drive Under Their Roof

Thu, 2023-01-19 08:15

ASTORIA, OREGON—In an effort to help their children form a healthy relationship with alcohol, local parents Jim and Laurie Eustis told reporters Thursday that they felt safer letting their kids drink and drive under their own roof. “If they’re going to recklessly weave their car in and out of traffic going 90 miles…

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What To Say If You See A Coworker On Tinder

Thu, 2023-01-19 08:00

Coworkers should never be seen outside of work, and especially not on dating apps. If you have the misfortune of encountering a fellow employee on Tinder, here is what you should say.

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Man Who Donated Sperm 25 Years Ago Contacted By Young Man Claiming To Be Guy Who Drank All His Sperm

Thu, 2023-01-19 07:15

ODESSA, TX—Shocked by the stranger on his doorstep purporting to share an intimate connection with him, local 63-year-old Mark Sanderson, who donated sperm on numerous occasions 25 years ago, was reportedly visited Thursday by a young man claiming to be the guy who drank all his sperm. “I know this may be a little…

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U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991

Thu, 2023-01-19 07:00

According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think?

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What To Know About ChatGPT

Wed, 2023-01-18 17:03

The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.

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Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats

Wed, 2023-01-18 16:54

Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico’s legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?

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Golden State Warriors Present Kamala Harris With Blank Jersey

Wed, 2023-01-18 16:00

WASHINGTON—Honoring the vice president during their visit to the White House, the NBA champion Golden State Warriors presented Kamala Harris Tuesday with a blank jersey, according to sources in attendance at the ceremony. “Oh yeah, I almost forgot—I’m supposed to give this to Camilla?” said Warriors rookie shooting…

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Kid Insists You Time Him

Wed, 2023-01-18 11:52
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More Companies Cutting Costs By Replacing CEOs With Prison Labor

Wed, 2023-01-18 09:58

WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in expenditures, one increasingly common strategy is to replace the high-salaried…

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Biggest Misconceptions People Have About Polyamory

Wed, 2023-01-18 09:53

While polyamory is growing in popularity, the practice of dating multiple partners is often still widely misunderstood. Here are the most common misconceptions people have about polyamorous relationships.

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