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NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life

Wed, 2020-06-17 14:11

BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new…

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Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner

Wed, 2020-06-17 13:16

CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these…

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Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age

Wed, 2020-06-17 13:13

PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering…

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Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option

Wed, 2020-06-17 09:03

The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?

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Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes

Wed, 2020-06-17 08:59

NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant…

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2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months

Wed, 2020-06-17 08:54

The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?

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Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt

Tue, 2020-06-16 16:34

STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of…

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Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks

Tue, 2020-06-16 15:07

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Expressing excitement over what could be a landmark discovery in the search for extraterrestrial life, scientists at the SETI Institute announced Tuesday they had received a mysterious radio transmission from space that repeats 50-minute intervals of nonstop classic rock blocks. “We detected a signal…

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42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are

Tue, 2020-06-16 14:18

LAWRENCE, KS—Racking his brain for anything that he liked or an activity that could be considered a hobby, local 42-year-old man Dennis Ferraro told reporters Tuesday that he was still unsure what his interests are. “I have a dog, but I don’t think that counts as an interest, per se,” said a befuddled Ferraro, adding…

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Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers

Tue, 2020-06-16 13:45

The Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 in a landmark ruling on Monday that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which bars discrimination based on sex, extends to include gender identity and sexual orientation. What do you think?

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‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek

Tue, 2020-06-16 12:42

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Holding the microphone up to the brook while trying to capture the perfect snippet of running water, Glenn Duncan, a perfectionist ambient sound producer, reportedly demanded another take from a babbling creek Tuesday, screaming at the body of water to be “More tranquil, dammit!” “Jesus fucking…

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Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man

Tue, 2020-06-16 12:06

SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man. “Man, it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I…

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NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint

Tue, 2020-06-16 10:19

Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.

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Passing Lane

Tue, 2020-06-16 10:16
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Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:42

BOCA RATON, FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario, fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy. “This is the greatest challenge I’ve…

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Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:40

NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat, Weight Watchers debuted a new television advertisement Tuesday that asks if you recall Grandma saying “My, someone got heavy!” in front of the whole family. “Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and, as soon as she saw you,…

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