The Onion

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Updated: 3 hours 52 min ago

New Long John Silver’s VR Headset Provides Immersive Deep-Frying Experience

Thu, 2022-07-28 06:45

LOUISVILLE, KY—Promising a fried-food adventure more exciting than any before it, a new Long John Silver’s virtual reality headset released this week will provide an immersive and unrivaled deep-frying experience, according to company officials. “With this cutting-edge technology, our customers will get a…

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Lower Sex Drive, Hair Loss Among Long Covid Symptoms, Study Finds

Thu, 2022-07-28 06:30

A new study has found that reduced sex drive and hair loss are among a wider set of long-term Covid symptoms based on analyzed electronic health records of 2.4 million people in the U.K. What do you think?

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New Freeway Through Historic Wetlands Displaces Dozens Of Rare Bog Crones

Thu, 2022-07-28 06:15

MIAMI—Highlighting the project’s massive effect on the Everglades’ ecosystem, a team of ecologists released a statement Thursday that condemns a new freeway through historic wetlands and reports that initial construction has already displaced dozens of rare bog crones. “The Florida state government has started…

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Spooky Fact: Did You Know?

Wed, 2022-07-27 16:43
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Robot Chess Player Breaks Boy’s Finger At Moscow Tournament

Wed, 2022-07-27 14:40

According to Russian media outlets, a chess-playing robot grabbed and broke a boy’s finger during a match at the Moscow Open, with officials saying the incident occurred because the child “violated” safety rules by taking a turn too quickly. What do you think?

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Late-To-The-Game Tech CEO Has Only Bananas, Toilet Paper, Or Horse Farming Left To Revolutionize

Wed, 2022-07-27 11:16

SAN FRANCISCO—Bemoaning his poor timing in entering an oversaturated industry, a late-to-the-game tech CEO complained Wednesday that apart from bananas, toilet paper, and horse farming, there was nothing left for him to revolutionize. “Aw, jeez, I wanted to disrupt something too, but there’s only three things left!”…

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Republicans Explain Why They Oppose Same-Sex Marriage

Wed, 2022-07-27 09:18

“What can I say? I just want people to suffer.”

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This Isn’t Goodbye, It’s See You In A Few Seconds

Wed, 2022-07-27 07:00

My beloved, words cannot express how deeply I treasure this time we’ve spent together, and I realize now how lucky I am to know someone who makes leaving so hard. Farewell is none too sweet a word, but, unfortunately, the time has come for me to go. Rest assured, my darling, this is not goodbye, but merely see you in…

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Timeline Of Trump And Pence’s Volatile Political Relationship

Wed, 2022-07-27 06:45

The rocky political relationship between former President Donald Trump and his vice president, Mike Pence, has intensified as Pence seeks to distance himself from Trump ahead of a potential 2024 election challenge. The Onion looks back at the major moments in the pair’s political relationship since Trump selected…

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Study Finds Orlando Most Vacant Major U.S. City

Wed, 2022-07-27 06:30

A new study has ranked Orlando as the number one city in the country with the highest vacancy rate of over 15%, finding it to be home to 161,000 empty housing units, with other tourist-centric towns Miami and Tampa also high on the list. What do you think?

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Panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson Starts To Fade From Reality After Scientifically Disproving Own Existence

Wed, 2022-07-27 06:00

NEW YORK—Murmuring “no, no, no” as he feverishly scribbled equations on a sheet of graph paper, a panicking Neil deGrasse Tyson reportedly began to fade from reality Wednesday after scientifically disproving his own existence. “Dear God, the numbers, they aren’t adding up—and if that’s true, then by my calculations, I…

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Brooklyn Bishop Robbed Of $1 Million Worth Of Jewelry During Church Service

Tue, 2022-07-26 15:18

A Brooklyn bishop and his wife were robbed of more than $1 million worth of jewelry by three gunmen during a live-streamed church service. What do you think?

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CDC Issues Emergency Authorization For Local Man To Go Shirtless During Heat Wave

Tue, 2022-07-26 13:45

ATLANTA—Amid another week of record-breaking heat, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky issued an emergency authorization Tuesday for local 35-year-old David Drazen to go shirtless. “We’d normally express more hesitancy, but seeing as he’s already sweated through his entire T-shirt, we’re left with no choice but to say take…

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Americans React To Biden’s Covid Diagnosis

Tue, 2022-07-26 12:00

On July 21, 2022, President Joe Biden was diagnosed with Covid-19. The Onion asked Americans how they felt, and this is what they said.

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Study Finds Joggers Burn Up To 200 Calories From Repeatedly Pulling Down Bunched-Up Shorts

Tue, 2022-07-26 07:00

COLUMBUS, OH—According to a comprehensive, decade-long study published Tuesday by sports medicine researchers at the Ohio State University, joggers burn up to 200 calories during a 30-minute run simply from pulling down their bunched-up shorts over and over again. “Our data showed that a jogger can get in an excellent…

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Struggling Company Rebrands As Good

Tue, 2022-07-26 06:45

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Announcing a major departure from its long history as an unsuccessful enterprise, struggling cosmetics company Serendipity Beauty Emporium rebranded Monday as good. “For years, the story of our company has been one of struggle, but today we are rewriting that narrative and making it all about how…

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Walgreens Customers Denied Birth Control, Condoms On Religious Grounds

Tue, 2022-07-26 06:30

Customers are calling for a Walgreens boycott after claims that customers are being denied birth control and condoms, with the pharmacy stating its policy allows employees to step away from filling a prescription for which they have a moral objection. What do you think?

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