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Updated: 19 hours 35 min ago

‘New York Times’ Offers To Disclose Whistleblower Identity To Readers Who Subscribe In Next 24 Hours

Fri, 2019-09-27 16:35

NEW YORK—Promising customers unlimited access and the most up-to-date information on anonymous sources, The New York Times announced Friday an offer to disclose the whistleblower’s identity to readers who subscribe within the next 24 hours. “We’ll give you the whistleblower’s name, home address, occupation, and voting…

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Creator Of Labradoodle Says Making Breed His Life’s ‘Greatest Regret’

Fri, 2019-09-27 16:27

Stressing that he “opened a Pandora’s box and released a Frankenstein’s monster” with the novel breed, Wally Conron, the maker of the Labradoodle, expressed regret for ever creating the mop-headed dog, citing its frequent health problems and saying that it had “veered far from his original purpose in mixing a Labrador…

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New Hellmann’s Theme Park To Feature World’s Longest Lazy Mayo River

Fri, 2019-09-27 15:33

GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the condiment-based attraction the perfect way to cool off on a hot day, company representatives revealed Friday that Hellmann’s new theme park would feature the world’s longest lazy mayo river. “Experience the thrilling Tarter Tunnel and the heart-stopping Dijonaise Drop before taking a spin…

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Cubs Pitching Coach Forced To Clean Up Trembling, Piss-Covered Pitchers After Leaving Them Locked In Bullpen All Day

Fri, 2019-09-27 15:26

ST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs pitching coach Tommy Hottovy was forced to clean up a group of trembling, piss-covered pitchers Friday after leaving them locked inside the bullpen all day. “God, I feel so bad that they were trapped in…

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Aging Tom Cruise No Longer Able To Climb Outer Wall Of Skyscraper Without Taking Break Halfway Through

Fri, 2019-09-27 14:24

SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets…

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How Gentrification Works

Fri, 2019-09-27 13:11

Extreme gentrification is on the rise in many U.S. cities, as poorer residents are pushed out by wealthier ones, with significant impact on income inequality, housing, and many other factors, but the process by which it happens may seem unclear. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how gentrification works.

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Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern To Return For Next ‘Jurassic World’

Fri, 2019-09-27 10:00

Reuniting the cast of the beloved original Jurassic Park, Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum will return for a third film, director Colin Trevorrow confirmed at a press conference this week. What do you think?

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How Impeachment Works

Thu, 2019-09-26 17:44
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Chelsea Manning, Reality Winner Excitedly Hoping Nation’s Newfound Approval Of Whistleblowers Will Get Them Out Of Jail

Thu, 2019-09-26 17:19

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a CIA officer’s much-applauded decision to disclose evidence that President Trump urged his Ukrainian counterpart to interfere in the 2020 election, former intelligence analysts Chelsea Manning and Reality Winner expressed confidence Thursday that the nation’s newfound appreciation for…

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Al Franken Launching SiriusXM Talk Show

Thu, 2019-09-26 16:26

SiriusXM announced on Wednesday that former United States senator Al Franken will host a weekly left-wing talk program, “The Al Franken Show,” in which he will address current news alongside a range of comedic and political guests. What do you think?

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Home Depot Introduces New 100-Pound Bag Of Mulch For Fucking Up Back In Garden Section

Thu, 2019-09-26 15:27

ATLANTA—Touting the product as the easiest way for DIY-ers to seriously injure themselves, Home Depot introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch Thursday for fucking up your back in the garden section. “Made from all-natural organic materials, our new too-heavy bag of mulch is perfect for absolutely destroying your spine…

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Mattel Preempts Backlash Over Gender-Neutral Doll With Release Of New ‘Covered In Genitals’ Barbie

Thu, 2019-09-26 14:48

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Following the debut of the inclusive “Creatable World” line of toys, Mattel attempted to preempt backlash over their gender-neutral dolls Thursday by releasing the highly anticipated “Covered In Genitals” Barbie. “In the spirit of inclusivity, we thought it was important to give parents concerned about…

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Sean Spicer’s Agent Tells Him If He Calls Trump’s Conduct ‘Troubling’ She Could Probably Get Him On ‘American Ninja Warrior’

Thu, 2019-09-26 14:26

LOS ANGELES—Informing her client that it would require very little effort on his part to book the high-profile gig, Sean Spicer’s agent reportedly told the former press secretary Thursday that if he referred to Trump’s recent conduct as “troubling,” she could probably get him on the next season of American Ninja

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Nation’s Labradoodles Begin Combusting After Regretful Creator Initiates Self-Destruct Sequence Programmed Into Their DNA

Thu, 2019-09-26 14:17

CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make…

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