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Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Succumbing To Glitzy L.A. Lifestyle After Purchasing Flashy 2016 Subaru

Fri, 2019-08-02 14:16

LOS ANGELES—Feeling a lingering sense of guilt over the sudden betrayal of all his values, Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard worried Friday that he had succumbed to the glitzy L.A. lifestyle after purchasing a flashy 2016 Subaru Forester. “I’ve only been in Hollywood a few weeks and I’m already living the high life. Look…

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‘Hobbs & Shaw’ Pulled From Theaters Following Reports Of On-Set Mistreatment Of Cars

Fri, 2019-08-02 12:16

HOLLYWOOD—In response to public outcry by motor vehicle associations, theaters across the country pulled the film Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw Friday following reports of the on-set mistreatment of cars. “We could no longer in good conscience continue distributing this film after watching secret video…

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EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe

Fri, 2019-08-02 11:56

WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering…

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Fed Cuts Interest Rates

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:29

The Federal Reserve is almost universally expected to make a quarter-point cut to interest rates in order to stave off signs of a slowing economy. What do you think?

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A Timeline Of U.S.–Iran Relations

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:21

Tensions continue to mount between the United States and Iran, driven by conflicts that have gone back decades and stoking fears of war. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S.–Iran relations.

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Man Gains New Disdain For Band After Seeing Them Live

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:15

CHICAGO—Still stunned by the fresh insight he had gleaned at the end of the group’s performance, local man Brett Weinberg told reporters Friday that he had gained a totally new disdain for electronic dance music duo The Chainsmokers after seeing them live. “Sure, I’ve heard a bunch of their songs before, but it wasn’t…

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CRISPR Gene-Editing Tool Used To Treat First U.S. Patient

Thu, 2019-08-01 17:34

For the first time in the U.S., a patient has received an infusion of 2 billion cells edited with the gene-editing tool CRISPR to help treat sickle cell disease, presaging a new age of targeted treatments for genetic diseases. What do you think?

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Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa

Thu, 2019-08-01 17:20

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Sighing as he gazed at the moderately spiced condiment on the table before him, local 34-year-old John Rawley told reporters Thursday it had been hard coming to terms with the fact that his ability to tolerate spicy foods had plateaued and he wouldn’t ever move beyond medium salsa. “All my life, I…

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Highlights Of The Second Democratic Debates

Thu, 2019-08-01 14:38

The second round of the Democratic presidential debates pitted the top 20 polling candidates against each other across two nights in Detroit. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the second Democratic debates.

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CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile

Thu, 2019-08-01 14:15

ATLANTA—Facing a backlash over what critics viewed as misleading journalistic practices, CNN was under fire Thursday for its failure to disclose that a recent panelist pushing for military action in Iran was in fact a Raytheon DeepStrike Missile. “We do not believe that our panelist’s status as a machine of war…

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Ethiopia Plants 350 Million Trees In Single Day

Thu, 2019-08-01 13:40

In a campaign to combat climate change and produce a greener future, Ethiopia’s government announced that it had planted 350 million trees across the country as part of its “green legacy” initiative. What do you think?

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5 Things To Know About Boris Johnson

Thu, 2019-08-01 13:00
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Study Finds Reading This Article To Completion Provides Body With 13 Essential Vitamins And Minerals

Thu, 2019-08-01 12:32

CHICAGO—Concluding that even a quick scan of the page can supply the body with vitamin C, lycopene, and omega-3 fatty acids, a groundbreaking study published Thursday found that when read from beginning to end, this article provides 13 nutrients vital to sustaining basic human health. “As we speak, thousands of…

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Lollapalooza Unveils New Air-Conditioned, Soundproof Tent For People Who Definitely Shouldn't Have Come To This

Thu, 2019-08-01 12:27

CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have…

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Card-Only Business Discriminates Against Customers Who Just Have Milking Goats To Barter With

Thu, 2019-08-01 11:18

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t…

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