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Updated: 13 hours 3 min ago

Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House

Tue, 2020-06-16 08:31

According to a forthcoming book, the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement was renegotiated to include a proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron, so he could one day work for the Trump Organization in Europe. What do you think?

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The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event

Mon, 2020-06-15 17:09

Lo and behold, gamers! With the announcement of the Playstation 5’s launch lineup late last week, the next generation is finally upon us. Here are some of the titles we’re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics, pulse-pounding gameplay, and all-out…

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‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works

Mon, 2020-06-15 16:09

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making…

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36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5

Mon, 2020-06-15 14:47

SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase, 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console. “Let’s see, it looks like I’ll have to set aside—ouch—about $15 extra every paycheck,” said Miller,…

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Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States

Mon, 2020-06-15 14:18

New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks ago, which health experts say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders. What do you think?

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Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff

Mon, 2020-06-15 11:47

PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are…

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Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces You Might Be Interested In’ Feature

Mon, 2020-06-15 11:35

SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide, Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “Other Faces You Might Be Interested In” feature. “We have chosen to place a one-year…

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Former DEA Officer Pleads Guilty To Posing As CIA Agent In Fraud Scheme

Mon, 2020-06-15 10:57

Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was a covert CIA agent in order to defraud contractors of nearly $4 million, at one point claiming a foreign government had poisoned him with ricin. What do you think?

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City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over

Mon, 2020-06-15 09:27

DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of…

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ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

Mon, 2020-06-15 09:24

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep,…

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Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote

Mon, 2020-06-15 09:13

Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.

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Lady Antebellum Changes Name

Fri, 2020-06-12 18:07

The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?

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Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream

Fri, 2020-06-12 15:53

Well, Playstation fans, it looks like we’re all facing a harsh new reality. After yesterday’s ultra-hyped Playstation 5 press event, Sony reviewed player feedback and just announced they will be canceling their entire lineup of next-generation games in response to @NicoBoy95’s devastating comment that “No one cares”…

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Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean

Fri, 2020-06-12 15:29

Ever since its announcement way back in December 2016, The Last of Us Part II has been beset by an avalanche of crises. Leaks, pandemics, and other development challenges have continually pushed back what could possibly be the greatest game of this generation. But when Sony confirmed June 19th as the official release…

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Pros And Cons Of Removing Historical Statues

Fri, 2020-06-12 15:24

The removal in recent years of several monuments depicting Confederate leaders and other controversial historical figures by both politicians and unsanctioned activists have generated debate over whether their removal is justified. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of removing historical statues.

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Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes

Fri, 2020-06-12 14:08

CHICAGO—In response to nationwide protests regarding police brutality and racial discrimination, food conglomerate Quaker Oats announced Friday that after 130 years, it would replace its historically racist Aunt Jemima mascot with a black female lawyer who enjoys pancakes from time to time. “The time has come to…

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Red Sox Ask Fans To Switch From Racial To Homophobic Slurs When Taunting Opposing Players

Fri, 2020-06-12 13:29

BOSTON—Pledging to do better when it comes to respecting diversity in the MLB, Red Sox owner John William Henry asked fans Friday to switch from their normal racial slurs to homophobic ones when taunting opposing players. “We want to be inclusive, so we ask that from here on out our fans only use terms that insult the…

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Showrunner Worried This A Bad Time For New Series About 2 Cop Best Friends Who Get Neo-Nazi Roommate

Fri, 2020-06-12 12:22

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern that the show might be taken out of context given the “current situation,” showrunner Bradley Criswell told reporters Friday he was worried that this was a bad time for his new series about two cop best friends who get a new neo-Nazi roommate. “With everything that’s happening right now,…

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Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony

Fri, 2020-06-12 09:36

For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior.

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