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The Onion
Grandmother Slams Back Handful Of Pills Like Raver In Bathroom Of German Nightclub
Bullshit Mass Grave Just One Guy
FARMINGTON, NM—Decrying the large, mostly empty hole they had just excavated as a “total goddamned tease,” angry investigators confirmed Tuesday that a bullshit mass grave was actually just one guy. “What the fuck—are you seriously going to tell me this whole mass grave is honest-to-God just one stupid fucking guy?”…
WHO Declares Monkeypox Spread A Global Health Emergency
The World Health Organization has declared the international monkeypox outbreak a global emergency, the last issued global health emergency occurring in Jan. 2020 in response to the Covid-19 outbreak. What do you think?
Democrats Explain Why They Support Joe Manchin
A controversial figure among Democrats, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) has relentlessly blocked popular pieces of legislation from passing through the Senate. The Onion asked several Democrats why they still support him, and this is what they said.
Snobby Ex-Con Always Mentioning How He Went To Private Prison
TUCSON, AZ—Visibly full of disdain when he remarks that they let just about anyone into public prisons, snobby ex-convict Darren Fesky is always mentioning how he went to a private detention center, sources reported Monday. “Excuse me, but you’re speaking to someone who attended Saguaro Correctional Facility—ever…
Breakdancer’s Corpse Continues To Pop, Lock Minutes After Death
NEW YORK—Horrifying those gathered around the body, the corpse of local breakdancer Jacob Lapid reportedly continued Monday to pop and lock minutes after his death. “It may seem strange to watch a corpse execute a perfect two-step, but the truth is these are nothing but ordinary muscle spasms,” said pathologist Serena…
Pete Buttigieg Apologizes To Husband After Moaning Name Of Interstate During Sex
WASHINGTON—In an awkward post-coital conversation addressing an embarrassing faux pas Monday, U.S. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly apologized to his husband Chasten after accidentally moaning the name of an interstate highway during sex. “I’m sorry, I was just caught up in the moment, but I want you…
Monarch Butterflies Listed As Endangered
The International Union for the Conservation of Nature has announced that monarch butterflies are now listed as endangered due to dwindling populations in North America attributed to loss of habitat, pesticides, and climate change. What do you think?
‘Watermelon Gazpacho Is A Great Starter For Summer Parties,’ Writes AP Reporter Who Will Not Be Winning Pulitzer This Year
NEW YORK—In a journalistic dispatch posted on the news agency’s website, Associated Press reporter Will Jarvis wrote the words “Watermelon gazpacho is a great starter for summer parties” on Monday in an article that will not be winning a Pulitzer Prize this year. “For a refreshing start to a summer get-together…
Jan. 6 Panel Finds Over 200 Congresspeople Hooked Up Believing They Were About To Die
WASHINGTON—As evidence continues to emerge regarding the actions of U.S. lawmakers during the 2021 attack on the Capitol, the House Jan. 6 committee unveiled Friday new findings that confirm more than 200 members of Congress hooked up during the riot because they believed they were about to die. “With rioters…
Senators Announce Bipartisan Bill To Stop Candidates From Stealing Elections
A bipartisan group of senators have reached a deal to shore up provisions in the Electoral Count Act, to make it harder to overturn a certified presidential election. What do you think?
American Medical Association Admits Illustrator Of New Anatomy Reference Book Couldn’t Really Draw Shoulders
Overheated Homeless Man Hallucinates Living In Compassionate Society
OKLAHOMA CITY—Suffering under more than a week’s worth of record-breaking temperatures, local homeless man Glen Lane was reportedly hallucinating Friday that he lived in a compassionate society. According to sources, the 44-year-old former sales manager, in the throes of heatstroke, mistook a gust of wind created by a…
Biggest Revelations From The Uvalde School Shooting Report
After mounting pressure, Texas officials have released a 77-page report detailing the police response to the mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, TX. The following are the most shocking details that have recently come to light.
Study Finds Leaning On Mop At Center Stage Linked To Delivering Monologue About Things ’Round Here
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A new study conducted by researchers at Rutgers University and published Friday found a link between leaning on a mop at center stage and delivering a monologue about things ’round here. “The data we’ve been studying have shown that perching one’s hands atop the handle of the mop before looking out…
What To Know About The Political Crisis In Sri Lanka
Months of protests in Sri Lanka led to President Gotabaya Rajapaksa fleeing the country as the South Asian island nation remains embroiled in a political and economic crisis. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the political crisis in Sri Lanka.