The Onion

Syndicate content
America's Finest News Source.
Updated: 2 hours 25 min ago

Impossible Burger Approved To Be Sold In Stores

Mon, 2019-08-05 16:20

After receiving regulatory approval from the FDA, the plant-based Impossible Burger has been approved to be sold in supermarkets nationwide, offering an option for environmentally conscious consumers looking for a burger substitute. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Thomas Jefferson: ‘The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants’

Mon, 2019-08-05 14:04

On the subject of our still fledgling nation, one point in particular stands out, which I present for want of understanding America’s purpose: The British crown continues to repeat its lies about our being unable to govern ourselves, and yet we have over these past years of self-government seen relative peace.…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

John Hickenlooper Drops Out Of 2020 Presidential Race One Assumes

Mon, 2019-08-05 13:43

DENVER—Presumably thanking his supporters and vowing to keep up his fight for the well-being of everyday Americans, former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, one naturally assumes. Highly placed sources have confirmed that it is only natural to imagine that Hickenlooper,…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Music Historians Uncover Evidence Of 18th-Century Viennese Boy Band Mozart Fronted Before Leaving To Pursue Solo Career

Mon, 2019-08-05 13:13

SALZBURG, AUSTRIA—In a discovery certain to renew interest in the beloved composer’s legacy, music historians said Monday they have found evidence that before leaving to pursue his solo career, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart fronted an ultra-popular Viennese boy band.

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Vase Of Flowers On Kitchen Table Probably Memorial For Person Who Died There

Mon, 2019-08-05 13:07

KENT, OH—In what has been described as a solemn yet moving commemoration, sources reported Monday that a flower arrangement placed on a kitchen table in a local home was likely a memorial to a person who had died there under tragic circumstances. “It’s so sad to see. Makes you wonder what happened here,” said Jake…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Trust In Science Growing, Poll Finds

Mon, 2019-08-05 12:57

A Pew poll found that 86% of Americans say they have a fair or great deal amount of trust in science, a result up from 76% in 2016 and far higher than trust placed in politicians, journalists, or clergy. What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

The History Of ‘The Madden Curse’: The Mysterious Trend Of Cover Art Athletes Who Slowly Transform Into John Madden

Mon, 2019-08-05 12:32

Even if you consider yourself a skeptic, it’s hard not to get a little freaked out when you hear about the legend surrounding the Madden NFL series. Fans call it “The Madden Curse,” the mysterious trend where athletes who appear on the cover of Madden NFL slowly transform into John Madden. Coincidence or not? Let’s…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Woman Knows Smiling Husband Not Really Flirting With Her But It’s Fun To Pretend

Mon, 2019-08-05 11:56

TEMPE—Indulging herself with a few moments of impossibly romantic fantasy, local woman Lori Danforth admitted Monday that despite knowing her husband’s socialized smile is not an example of him actually flirting with her it was still enjoyable to pretend that this was in fact the case. “I sometimes like to spend a few…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Fossil Records Indicate Early Humans Hunted 25-Foot Giant Paramecium And Other Mega-Protista To Extinction

Mon, 2019-08-05 11:08

SPOKANE, WA—Confirming long-held suspicions about the diminutive size of modern-day bacteria, paleontologists at Gonzaga University engaged in an intensive study of the fossil record announced Friday that they had found overwhelming evidence supporting the theory that early humans hunted the 25-foot paramecium and…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

John Delaney Sends Fundraising Email To Wife Asking To Use More Of Their Money On His Campaign

Mon, 2019-08-05 10:53

BETHESDA, MD—Noting that the coming months were crucial to determining who would stay in the running for the Democratic nomination, the campaign of presidential candidate John Delaney sent a fundraising email to his wife Monday asking to use more of the couple’s money on his bid for the White House. “Dear April, we…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Man Told He’d Never Make It As Pro Defies Them All By Sucking For 4 Years In AA Ball

Mon, 2019-08-05 08:23

HARTFORD, CT—Dedicating his next ground out to all the people who tried to keep him down, minor leaguer Adam Brosseau confirmed Monday that he had defied everyone who said he’d never make it as a professional baseball player by sucking for four years in Double-A. “They said I’d never make it back in high school, but…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Sun, 2019-08-04 10:42

DAYTON, OH—In the hours following a violent rampage in Ohio in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 27 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

Sun, 2019-08-04 10:33

EL PASO, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed 20 individuals and injured 26 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Sunday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Obama Reportedly Unfazed By Criticism From 2020 Candidates

Fri, 2019-08-02 16:02

A source close to President Obama said that he has taken criticism from 2020 candidates in stride, noting that he believes “his legacy is going to be fine, that there’s a staying power to it and the things under attack by this president are high water marks for the country.” What do you think?

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Madden NFL 20’ Debuts Three New Romanceable Kickers

Fri, 2019-08-02 15:51

Madden NFL 20 drops today and it looks like there is exciting news connected to one of the most popular aspects of the long-running football video game franchise. According to the game’s creators, EA Sports has added three new romanceable kickers to the game’s career mode!

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Succumbing To Glitzy L.A. Lifestyle After Purchasing Flashy 2016 Subaru

Fri, 2019-08-02 14:16

LOS ANGELES—Feeling a lingering sense of guilt over the sudden betrayal of all his values, Clippers forward Kawhi Leonard worried Friday that he had succumbed to the glitzy L.A. lifestyle after purchasing a flashy 2016 Subaru Forester. “I’ve only been in Hollywood a few weeks and I’m already living the high life. Look…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

‘Hobbs & Shaw’ Pulled From Theaters Following Reports Of On-Set Mistreatment Of Cars

Fri, 2019-08-02 12:16

HOLLYWOOD—In response to public outcry by motor vehicle associations, theaters across the country pulled the film Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw Friday following reports of the on-set mistreatment of cars. “We could no longer in good conscience continue distributing this film after watching secret video…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion

EPA Administrator Proves Carbon Emissions Not Harmful By Inhaling Directly From Truck’s Tailpipe

Fri, 2019-08-02 11:56

WASHINGTON—During a press conference held in a D.C. parking lot, Environmental Protection Agency head Andrew Wheeler went out of his way Friday to show carbon emissions were safe by putting his mouth over the exhaust pipe of an idling Jeep Grand Cherokee and taking several deep breaths. “Despite all the fear-mongering…

Read more...

Categories: The Onion