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Resistance Democrat Racking Brain For Way To Sexualize Anonymous Whistleblower

Thu, 2019-09-26 14:11

NOVATO, CA—While following coverage of an unnamed government employee bringing forth a complaint that President Donald Trump had asked Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate the son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Resistance Democrat Kathy Gillford was reportedly racking her brain Thursday to…

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D.C. Visitors Impressed By Statue Honoring Nation’s First Obelisk President

Thu, 2019-09-26 13:17

WASHINGTON—Relishing the opportunity to commemorate one of American history’s most important political pillars, families visiting Washington, D.C. told reporters Thursday that they were impressed by the statue honoring the nation’s first obelisk president. “Wow, it’s so tall, thin, and pointy—it almost feels like he’s…

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Experts Recommend Families Have Plan For Ditching Weakest Member In Case Of Disaster

Thu, 2019-09-26 11:43

WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly…

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Amazon Signs Pledge To Advance Paris Climate Goals

Thu, 2019-09-26 09:00

Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…

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Authorities Hunt For Arsonist Suspected Of Purifying Dozens Of Buildings In Bath Of Glorious Flame

Thu, 2019-09-26 08:00

EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…

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New Fitness Tracker Monitors Amount Of Exercise Users Watch On TV

Wed, 2019-09-25 17:02

SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve…

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Trump Authorizes Release Of Ukraine Call Memo

Wed, 2019-09-25 16:51

Yielding to calls for him to provide transparency on the issue, President Trump authorized the release of a memorandum describing a phone call in which he called for Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?

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White House Unveils Lightly Edited Memorandum Of U.S. Constitution That Specifically Declares Trump’s Innocence

Wed, 2019-09-25 14:11

WASHINGTON—Seeking to exculpate the president from alleged wrongdoing, the White House released a lightly edited memorandum of the U.S. Constitution Wednesday that specifically declares Trump’s innocence. “[The President of the United States of America] shall hold his Office during the Term of four Years, and,…

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NFL Reaffirms Commitment To Player Safety By Eliminating QB Position

Wed, 2019-09-25 14:06

NEW YORK—In an effort to prevent unnecessary injuries to some of the game’s biggest stars, representatives for the NFL reaffirmed its commitment to player safety Wednesday by eliminating the quarterback position from starting lineups. “We expect some blowback from fans who say you can’t have football without a…

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Weak, Exhausted Nancy Pelosi Given Saline Drip Following Hours-Long Attempt To Stand Firm In Convictions

Wed, 2019-09-25 13:35

WASHINGTON—Collapsing from the extreme exertion required to announce an impeachment inquiry into the president, a weak and exhausted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly given a saline drip Tuesday night following an hours-long stretch during which she stood firm in her convictions. “She’s obviously not used to…

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Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry Of Trump

Wed, 2019-09-25 13:11

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?

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Botox Criticized For New Ad Campaign Targeting Millie Bobby Brown

Wed, 2019-09-25 12:21

LOS ANGELES— In response to a multi-platform blitz including TV, online, print, and radio advertisements, cosmetic-injection giant Botox was forced to apologize Wednesday for their recent ad campaign specifically targeting 15-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown. “Botox and the entire Allergan family sincerely express…

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7 Things We Learned From Sony’s ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Media Event

Wed, 2019-09-25 12:08

Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us Part II might be the most anticipated game of this generation, and with their latest State of Play, Sony pulled the cover off it in a big way. Here’s everything we learned about the upcoming blockbuster from yesterday’s media event.

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Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong

Wed, 2019-09-25 11:31

CAPITOLA, CA—Finding himself baffled by how routinely everyday situations go awry for the trouble-prone characters on his favorite program, television viewer Lawrence Bedrosian remarked Wednesday on the uncanny regularity with which the stuff on the TV show goes completely wrong. “It’s, like, at the beginning of every…

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Pros And Cons Of A 4-Day Workweek

Wed, 2019-09-25 09:00

American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.

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