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Signs Of Trauma On Neolithic Skeleton Indicate Early Humans’ Lifestyle Far More Slapstick Than Previously Thought

Wed, 2019-09-25 08:00

AMMAN, JORDAN—In a discovery archaeologists claimed would radically alter our understanding of early humans’ ability to carry a teetering column of objects and then subsequently drop them all after stubbing a toe, a Neolithic skeleton unearthed Tuesday reportedly bears signs of trauma suggesting early humans had a…

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Trump Admits To Talking To Ukraine About Biden

Tue, 2019-09-24 17:26

Accelerating calls for his impeachment, President Trump admitted Monday to talking to Ukraine about launching a corruption investigation into Joe Biden, suggesting he may have attempted to pressure the nation into damaging the reputation of the former vice president. What do you think?

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Beto O’Rourke’s Son Concerned Trump Will Order Ukraine To Investigate Him Next

Tue, 2019-09-24 16:37

EL PASO, TX—Worrying over whether he had ever engaged in any activity that might hurt his father’s candidacy, Henry O’Rourke, the 8-year-old son of White House hopeful Beto O’Rourke, expressed concern Tuesday that President Trump might instruct Ukraine to investigate him next. “What if those Ukrainian guys find out…

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Fox News Apologizes For Their Mentally Ill Hosts

Tue, 2019-09-24 14:36

NEW YORK—Responding to criticism for comments about 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg made on their network, Fox News officials apologized Tuesday for their mentally ill hosts. “While we understand some people disagree with the statements made by Laura Ingraham and other pundits on Fox News, it’s…

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Democrats Criticize Trump For Attacking Greta Thunberg Instead Of Praising Her Bravery, Ignoring Her Later

Tue, 2019-09-24 14:07

WASHINGTON—Describing his behavior as deeply inappropriate, Democratic leaders roundly criticized President Donald Trump Tuesday for attacking climate activist Greta Thunberg instead of just offering her praise and then subsequently ignoring her. “Yet again, we have seen the cruel and vindictive nature of a president…

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Hitman 2’s New Tropical Resort DLC Lets You Quit Being An Assassin And Become An Ornithologist For The Remainder Of The Game

Tue, 2019-09-24 13:57

About 45 minutes into Hitman 2’s new “Haven Island” DLC, players are faced with a choice that not only changes the rest of the downloadable level but the course of the series itself: Will you continue on in your mission to kill an affluent kingpin while sneaking through the Maldive resort’s tropical forests? Or will…

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Greta Thunberg Delivers Fiery Speech At U.N.’s Climate Action Summit

Tue, 2019-09-24 13:00

16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed the U.N. Climate Action Summit with an emotional speech condemning leaders for inaction and stressing that while “[e]ntire ecosystems are collapsing… all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!” What do you think?

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God Fucking Damnit, Live-In Maid Sorted Satins And Cottons Together Again

Tue, 2019-09-24 12:54

WESTCHESTER, NY—Despite expressing to her on numerous past occasions the gravity of making this sort of mistake, sources confirmed Tueasday that, God fucking damnit, the live-in maid had sorted the satins and cottons together again. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, how many times have we told Maria not to put the baronet weave…

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How To Make A Public Apology

Tue, 2019-09-24 12:33
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3-Year-Old Going To Hold In Fact That Cashier Is Fat Until He’s At Checkout

Tue, 2019-09-24 10:30

Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight,…

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Fine Feathered Fiends

Tue, 2019-09-24 09:30
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Disney Opens 200-Acre Sadomasochism Theme Park After Purchasing Rights To Hellraiser Franchise

Tue, 2019-09-24 09:00

ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing…

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Nation Perplexed By 16-Year-Old Who Doesn’t Want World To End

Mon, 2019-09-23 17:24

NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but…

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Obsessive-Compulsive Baseball Player Has To Touch All 3 Bases Before Going Home

Mon, 2019-09-23 16:22

CINCINNATI—Expressing concern over their teammate’s unhealthy fixation on repeating the process, Cincinnati Reds players confirmed Monday that outfielder Phil Ervin always has to touch all three bases before going to home plate. “He just can’t go near home plate without first touching every single base in order with…

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Walmart To Stop Selling All E-Cigarettes

Mon, 2019-09-23 16:18

Citing regulatory uncertainty in announcing its decision, retail giant Walmart will cease selling e-cigarettes immediately, the company said Friday. What do you think?

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