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Rob Manfred Extends Olive Branch To Minor Leaguers By Letting Them Run Bases At MLB Stadium After Game

Fri, 2022-07-22 06:45

NEW YORK—In response to growing unrest among the players regarding their salaries, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred reportedly extended an olive branch to minor leaguers Friday by letting them run the bases at an MLB stadium after the game. “We want the players across our farm system to know that we…

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State Department Brokers Alliance In Destabilized Region By Providing Arms To Texan Warlords

Fri, 2022-07-22 06:30

WASHINGTON—Calling the arrangement necessary to achieve long-term success in the volatile region, State Department officials announced Wednesday that they had managed to broker a key alliance in the failed Southwestern state of Texas by providing arms to local warlords. “The lack of stable institutions has left…

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Survey: 1 In 5 U.S. Adults Condone ‘Justified’ Political Violence

Fri, 2022-07-22 06:15

A new survey has found that one in five adults in the United States believe that political violence is justified in some circumstances, with 7.1% saying they would be willing to kill a person to advance an important political goal. What do you think?

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Exasperated Aquarium Staff Demand Visitors Stop Tapping On, Yelling At Vending Machines

Fri, 2022-07-22 06:00

CHICAGO—Expressing concern for the safety and well-being of the snacks, the exasperated staff of Shedd Aquarium demanded Friday that visitors stop tapping on and yelling at vending machines. “Sir, I know you’re excited, but I’m going to have to ask you to please stop screaming and banging on the vending machine…

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U.K. Movie Theater Offers Redheads Free Movie Tickets To Escape Heat

Thu, 2022-07-21 15:35

British movie theater chain Showcase Cinemas U.K. recently offered free tickets to people with red hair amid a heat wave in the country, explaining that redheads are more vulnerable to the sun’s rays and would have shelter in their fully air-conditioned theaters. What do you think?

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Covid Virus Unsure How To Make Biden’s Body Any Weaker

Thu, 2022-07-21 15:30

WASHINGTON—In an acknowledgment that it may not be able to accomplish much with its infection of the nation’s commander-in-chief, the virus that causes Covid-19 told reporters Thursday it was unsure what it could do to make President Biden’s body any weaker. “His vital organs and circulatory system are already pretty…

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Area Baseball Fan Excited For First-Round Draft Pick They’ll Never Hear About Again

Thu, 2022-07-21 15:22

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Eagerly learning what experts were saying about the player for the fourth straight day, area baseball fan Ryan Silva remained incredibly excited for a first-round draft pick he’ll never hear about again, sources confirmed Thursday. “I couldn’t be happier that we got Chase DeLauter—this guy is the real…

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White House Says Biden Still Energetic Enough To Have Customary Morning Intercourse With Jill

Thu, 2022-07-21 14:00

WASHINGTON—In an address detailing the commander in chief’s health following a recent Covid 19 diagnosis, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told reporters Thursday that President Biden remained energetic enough to have his customary morning intercourse with the First Lady. “Despite some mild symptoms…

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CDC: ‘Definitely Too Hot Out To Wear A Condom’

Thu, 2022-07-21 12:20

ATLANTA—Reminding the nation that many heat-related deaths and illnesses are preventable, the Centers for Disease Control issued a new guideline Thursday stating that it’s definitely too hot out right now to wear a condom. “With temperatures reaching triple digits from Las Vegas to New York, we are asking Americans to…

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Mommy Fact: Did You Know?

Thu, 2022-07-21 12:06
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Alarming Study Finds Only 20% Of Unwanted Babies Adopted By Wild Animals

Thu, 2022-07-21 11:05

STANFORD, CA—In a groundbreaking study that has alarmed many as the nation rolls back reproductive rights, researchers at Stanford University published startling data Thursday that revealed only 20% of unwanted babies end up being adopted by wild animals. “Contrary to conventional wisdom, we found that only one in…

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‘It’s So Nice To Finally Meet One Of Pete’s Work Friends,’ Says Chasten Buttigieg To Traffic Cone

Thu, 2022-07-21 07:15

WASHINGTON—Rushing to the door of his home to excitedly introduce himself, Chasten Buttigieg was overheard Thursday saying, “It’s so nice to finally meet one of Pete’s work friends,” to a traffic cone. “Hi, oh my gosh, I have heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already,” said Chasten, adding that the…

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Biggest Marvel Reveals From Comic-Con 2022

Thu, 2022-07-21 07:00

In an anecdote that delighted fans and illustrated the actor’s commitment to his character, Tom Holland revealed that before taking on the role in 2016, he traveled to rural Minnesota in order to spend a week getting to know the real-life Spider-Man and helping out around his bait shop.

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Jennifer Lopez And Ben Affleck Open Up About Their Relationship Timeline

Thu, 2022-07-21 06:45

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got married in Las Vegas last weekend, the latest development in one of Hollywood’s most dramatic romances in recent memory. The Onion sat down with the newlyweds for an exclusive interview on the timeline of their on-again, off-again relationship.

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U.K. Breaks Record For Highest Temperature Ever Reported

Thu, 2022-07-21 06:30

Britain shattered its record for highest temperature ever registered amid an intense heat wave that has scorched large swathes of Europe, with temperature readings in the country rivaling those of the Sahara desert. What do you think?

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New Ford F-450 Comes With Shotgun In Case Truck Doesn’t Kill Pedestrian On Impact

Thu, 2022-07-21 06:00

DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new model’s power, toughness, and ability to ‘get the job done,’ the Ford Motor Co. began production Thursday on its 2023 F-450 pickup, which reportedly comes equipped with a shotgun as a standard feature in case the truck fails to kill a pedestrian on impact. “When you’re behind the wheel of…

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House Approves Same-Sex Marriage Bill

Wed, 2022-07-20 16:01

The House overwhelmingly approved legislation to protect same-sex and interracial marriages amid concerns that the Supreme Court will revoke other rights in the wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, though the bill is likely to stall in the Senate. What do you think?

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Black Actress Forced To Bring Own Hair Products, Makeup, Lighting To Movie Set

Wed, 2022-07-20 11:05

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In order to compensate for a lack of preparation on the part of the film’s production team, sources reported that a Black actress had no choice Wednesday but to bring her own hair products, makeup, and lighting equipment to a movie set. “Yeah, I’m really sorry about this, but our stylists are saying they…

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