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Archaeologists May Have Discovered Oldest Theater In London

Fri, 2020-06-12 09:06

Archaeologists in Whitechapel believe they have uncovered the Red Lion, an Elizabethan playhouse that may have been the city’s first dedicated theater space when it was built around 1567. What do you think?

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Stimulus Dreck

Thu, 2020-06-11 18:37
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Tips For Going To Protests

Thu, 2020-06-11 17:41
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TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled

Thu, 2020-06-11 15:01

Paramount Network announced the cancellation of the police reality show Cops this week, a series that has been accused of perpetuating racism for its selective editing since it first aired in 1989. What do you think?

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Anna Kendrick’s ‘Love Life’ Pulled From HBO Max Until It Can Return With Historical Context

Thu, 2020-06-11 14:21

LOS ANGELES—Calling the show “Important, yet problematic” in its portrayal of modern dating in New York City, HBO Max officials announced Thursday that they had pulled Anna Kendrick’s Love Life from their library until it can return with the proper historical context. “While we understand why certain people are…

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South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban

Thu, 2020-06-11 14:16

MONTGOMERY, AL—Declaring that they refused to be part of any institution that would endeavor to compromise their way of life, the South reportedly announced Thursday that they had seceded from NASCAR following the auto-racing company’s Confederate flag ban. “We hereby repudiate the National Association for Stock Car…

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No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now

Thu, 2020-06-11 13:44

ARIZONA CITY, AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world, area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon. “If you think I’m going to try ‘eating mindfully’ or ‘listening to my gut’ or anything else…

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White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him

Thu, 2020-06-11 13:38

CHICAGO—Vowing to learn from the Black Lives Matter movement and finally take a stand on the racial issues that have bothered him for years, white ally Will Novak announced Thursday that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people would not get mad at him. “I know racism is a problem in this country, so…

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Treasure Chest Buried In Rocky Mountains Discovered

Thu, 2020-06-11 13:03

Following 10 years of searching by nearly 350,000 treasure hunters, a $1 million cache of gold and precious gemstones buried by art dealer Forrest Fenn has been discovered in the Rocky Mountains. What do you think?

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New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway

Thu, 2020-06-11 09:22

More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all.

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Astronaut Becomes First Woman To Reach Deepest Point In Ocean

Wed, 2020-06-10 15:53

Former astronaut Kathy Sullivan, the first U.S. woman to walk in space, made history again this week by diving a submersible vehicle to the deepest point in the Mariana Trench, becoming the first woman to visit the area that sits nearly seven miles below the Pacific Ocean. What do you think?

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U.K. Demonstrators Tear Down Statue Of Slave Trader

Wed, 2020-06-10 15:47

Protesters in Bristol toppled a statue of 17th-century slave trader Edward Colston on Sunday, rolling the statue through the city before pushing it into the harbor. What do you think?

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Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch

Wed, 2020-06-10 15:19

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the…

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Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests

Wed, 2020-06-10 13:49

In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.

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37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy

Wed, 2020-06-10 13:46

AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned…

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Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention

Wed, 2020-06-10 13:23

WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much…

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‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce

Wed, 2020-06-10 13:12

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him,…

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