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Fed Cuts Interest Rates

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:29

The Federal Reserve is almost universally expected to make a quarter-point cut to interest rates in order to stave off signs of a slowing economy. What do you think?

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A Timeline Of U.S.–Iran Relations

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:21

Tensions continue to mount between the United States and Iran, driven by conflicts that have gone back decades and stoking fears of war. The Onion looks back at the history of U.S.–Iran relations.

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Man Gains New Disdain For Band After Seeing Them Live

Fri, 2019-08-02 09:15

CHICAGO—Still stunned by the fresh insight he had gleaned at the end of the group’s performance, local man Brett Weinberg told reporters Friday that he had gained a totally new disdain for electronic dance music duo The Chainsmokers after seeing them live. “Sure, I’ve heard a bunch of their songs before, but it wasn’t…

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CRISPR Gene-Editing Tool Used To Treat First U.S. Patient

Thu, 2019-08-01 17:34

For the first time in the U.S., a patient has received an infusion of 2 billion cells edited with the gene-editing tool CRISPR to help treat sickle cell disease, presaging a new age of targeted treatments for genetic diseases. What do you think?

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Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa

Thu, 2019-08-01 17:20

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Sighing as he gazed at the moderately spiced condiment on the table before him, local 34-year-old John Rawley told reporters Thursday it had been hard coming to terms with the fact that his ability to tolerate spicy foods had plateaued and he wouldn’t ever move beyond medium salsa. “All my life, I…

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Highlights Of The Second Democratic Debates

Thu, 2019-08-01 14:38

The second round of the Democratic presidential debates pitted the top 20 polling candidates against each other across two nights in Detroit. The Onion highlights the most important takeaways from the second Democratic debates.

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CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile

Thu, 2019-08-01 14:15

ATLANTA—Facing a backlash over what critics viewed as misleading journalistic practices, CNN was under fire Thursday for its failure to disclose that a recent panelist pushing for military action in Iran was in fact a Raytheon DeepStrike Missile. “We do not believe that our panelist’s status as a machine of war…

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Ethiopia Plants 350 Million Trees In Single Day

Thu, 2019-08-01 13:40

In a campaign to combat climate change and produce a greener future, Ethiopia’s government announced that it had planted 350 million trees across the country as part of its “green legacy” initiative. What do you think?

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5 Things To Know About Boris Johnson

Thu, 2019-08-01 13:00
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Study Finds Reading This Article To Completion Provides Body With 13 Essential Vitamins And Minerals

Thu, 2019-08-01 12:32

CHICAGO—Concluding that even a quick scan of the page can supply the body with vitamin C, lycopene, and omega-3 fatty acids, a groundbreaking study published Thursday found that when read from beginning to end, this article provides 13 nutrients vital to sustaining basic human health. “As we speak, thousands of…

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Lollapalooza Unveils New Air-Conditioned, Soundproof Tent For People Who Definitely Shouldn't Have Come To This

Thu, 2019-08-01 12:27

CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have…

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Card-Only Business Discriminates Against Customers Who Just Have Milking Goats To Barter With

Thu, 2019-08-01 11:18

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t…

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Man Likes Ex-Girlfriend’s Tweet In Effort To Smooth Over Emotionally Destroying Her 3 Years Ago

Thu, 2019-08-01 11:08

LANSING, MI—Expressing relief that he could finally make amends for his past cruelty, area man Tom Hernandez reportedly liked his ex-girlfriend’s tweet Thursday in an effort to smooth over emotionally destroying her three years ago. “I was kind of an asshole during the breakup, but I’m hopeful that by liking the photo…

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Jake Tapper Demands Michael Bennet Answer Question Of Whether He Too Big A Pussy To Take Swing At De Blasio

Wed, 2019-07-31 21:45

DETROIT—Prodding the Democratic presidential candidate by insisting the American people deserve the truth, CNN moderator Jake Tapper demanded Wednesday night that Michael Bennet answer the question of whether he was too big a pussy to take a swing at fellow candidate Bill de Blasio. “C’mon, man, Billy Boy’s been…

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Kirsten Gillibrand Appeals To Detroit Voters By Touting Hardscrabble Youth Growing Up As A Car

Wed, 2019-07-31 20:38

DETROIT—Recalling what she described as a tough but formative upbringing, presidential candidate Kirsten Gillibrand reportedly attempted to win over the audience at Wednesday night’s debate in Detroit by recounting the challenges she faced growing up as a 1966 Ford Country Squire. “I was raised on potholed streets,…

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