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Pelosi Says House Will Proceed With Articles Of Impeachment

The Onion - Fri, 2019-12-06 14:00

Saying the president’s behavior gave her “no choice” but to continue the process, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi signalled plans to proceed with articles of impeachment against President Trump for his solicitation of foreign interference in the 2020 election from Ukraine. What do you think?

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Sight Of His Beautiful Bride Walking Down Aisle Fills Man With Overwhelming Happyish Feeling

The Onion - Fri, 2019-12-06 13:29

PORTLAND, ME—Barely able to contain the slight approval on his face, local groom Brad Donnelly confirmed Friday that the sight of his beautiful bride walking down the aisle filled him with an overwhelming happyish feeling. “As soon as I saw her step out in her dress, I was overcome by this amazing above-neutral kind…

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Man Doesn’t Want To Put Too Much Effort Into Fixing Up House He Just Going To Burn Down For Insurance Fraud One Day

The Onion - Fri, 2019-12-06 12:18

TULSA, OK—Emphasizing that his house was perfectly fine to live in now and really didn’t need that many updates, local 32-year-old Jerry MacQuoid confirmed Friday that he didn’t want to put too much effort into fixing up a home he was just going to burn down for insurance fraud one day. “Sure, the floors are scuffed,…

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Timeline Of Andrew Johnson’s Impeachment

The Onion - Fri, 2019-12-06 10:59

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump has renewed focus on that of Andrew Johnson, the 17th U.S. president and the first to be impeached by the House. The Onion takes a look back at the timeline of President Johnson’s impeachment.

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Jimmy Carter Released From Hospital

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 16:26

Former President Jimmy Carter has been released from Phoebe Sumter Medical Center and is resting at his home after being admitted for a urinary tract infection. What do you think?

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Sonny Perdue Argues Food Stamp Cuts Will Incentivize People To Get Exploitative Jobs That Won’t Exist In 5 Years

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 15:31

WASHINGTON—Responding to the criticism surrounding the Trump administration’s recent decision to tighten restrictions on supplemental nutrition eligibility, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue argued Thursday that the food stamp cuts will incentivize people to go out and get exploitative jobs that won’t exist in…

Categories: The Onion

Mother Confident That Adult Son’s Cycle Of Emotional Terrorism Will Calm Down Once He Finds The Right Girl

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 15:25

HOUSTON—Writing off the behavior as common for his age, local mother Deenah Young told sources Thursday she was confident her 26-year-old son Devin’s psychological abuse of all the women he had ever dated was simply a phase that would end when he met the right girl. “I know it’s a little silly for Dev to still be…

Categories: The Onion

5 Things You Can Do to Celebrate Our Birthday With Us

AFL-CIO Weblog - Thu, 2019-12-05 14:55
5 Things You Can Do to Celebrate Our Birthday With Us AFL-CIO

You said it's our birthday! And it is. If you've always wondered what you'd do with the AFL-CIO when we're 64, now's your chance! On this day in 1955, the American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations came together after a long and winding road.

You said you wanted a labor revolution, and we all still want to change the world. And over those 64 years, together, we have achieved something to be proud of. Under the leadership of the fab five presidents, we've refused to let it be and championed critical fights for workplace safety, trade fairness, fair wages, secure retirement and equal pay!

A wise person once said "all you need is love," but we know that working people also need a way to express their voices on the job. From the beginning, that's been our goal, and here's how you can help us celebrate our 64th birthday!

1. Sign our petition supporting pro-worker legislation: You should let your mother (and everyone else) know about bills like the PRO Act, which would help level the playing field between mean Mr. Mustard and his friends on Wall Street!

2. Subscribe to our podcast: In my life, I haven't found a better way to dig deeper about the stories important to working people than to listen to State of the Unions, the podcast of the AFL-CIO!

3. Subscribe to our YouTube channel: Money can't buy me love, but the good news is you won't need money to get the latest video content from the crew aboard our yellow submarine!

4. Follow us on social media: A great day in the life would include you following us on our social media accounts (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) to keep up with the latest news and information!

5. Sign up for text messages: While you're twisting and shouting, text WORK to 235246 to receive periodic text alerts from the AFL-CIO (message and data rates may apply) to know when your fellow working people need your solidarity!

We've accomplished a lot from yesterday to today and I've got a feeling the future is bright for working people. Whatever challenges we face, we can work it out as long as we work all together now!

(With apologies to the Beatles!)

Kenneth Quinnell Thu, 12/05/2019 - 13:55

Boris Johnson Worried Anti-Semitism Accusations Against Labour Party Will Hurt Tories’ Hold On Bigot Vote

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 14:51

LONDON—Monitoring polls and news coverage of the upcoming elections, U.K. prime minister Boris Johnson reportedly expressed concern Thursday that continued accusations of anti-Semitism against the Labour Party will hurt the Tories’ hold on the bigot vote. “Those with prejudiced and discriminatory beliefs have long…

Categories: The Onion

Kamala Harris Leaves 2020 Race

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 14:30

After months of low polling and a struggle to define herself against opponents, Senator Kamala Harris announced she would drop out of the 2020 presidential race, saying her campaign “simply doesn’t have the financial resources we need to continue.” What do you think?

Categories: The Onion

Jimmy Carter Devotes Rest Of Life To Raising Awareness Of Fact That Men Get UTIs Too

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 14:00

PLAINS, GA—As he continues to rest and recover following a brush with the ailment earlier this week, former President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday he would spend the remainder of his life educating people about the fact that men, too, routinely suffer from urinary tract infections. “This isn’t just an issue that…

Categories: The Onion

Researchers Release Teeny Little Minotaur Into Maze To Test Mice’s Capacity To Use Enchanted String

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 12:18

CHICAGO—In an effort to study the rodents’ ability to manipulate simple magical objects, researchers at the University of Chicago reportedly released a teeny little minotaur into a maze Thursday to test mice’s capacity to use enchanted string. “Our thesis is that by adding the external pressure of a teensy tiny…

Categories: The Onion

Parents Sign Up Mitch Trubisky For Rec Soccer Team In Hopes He’ll Develop Interest In Sports

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 11:07

MENTOR, OH—Figuring that, at worst, it would be a good way to get him outside, parents of Chicago Bears quarterback Mitchell Trubisky confirmed Thursday that they had signed their son up for a community rec soccer team to see if it would spark any sort of interest in sports for him. “We’ve had a hard time over the…

Categories: The Onion

Hopes Rise For HIV Vaccine By 2021

The Onion - Thu, 2019-12-05 10:00

Preliminary results for trials of the drugs HVTN 702, Imbokodo, and Mosaico have caused rising hopes for a vaccine that could help lower the 1.8 million yearly cases of HIV that are transmitted every year and strike a definitive blow against the deadly virus. What do you think?

Categories: The Onion

Report: Would’ve Been Nice If Dad Had Loved Original Family This Much

The Onion - Wed, 2019-12-04 15:14

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Shedding new light on just how happy life could have been if things had worked out a little differently, a new report published Wednesday has concluded that it sure would’ve been nice if Dad had loved his original family as much as his second one. “You can really see he’s an empathetic person who…

Categories: The Onion

Impeachment Report: Trump Solicited Foreign Interference

The Onion - Wed, 2019-12-04 15:04

In a sweeping 300-page document released this week, Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee outlined evidence that they say proves President Trump solicited foreign interference in the 2020 elections for personal gain, a claim that will be used in the debate on whether to remove the 45th president from office.…

Categories: The Onion
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