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Health Department Gives Tyson Plant ‘D’ Grade After Discovering Raw Chicken Contaminating Nearly Every Surface

The Onion - Wed, 2019-11-20 09:00

SEDALIA, MO—Condemning the processed poultry giant’s blatant disregard for well-established food safety practices, inspectors from the office of the Pettis County Health Board rated Tyson’s Sedalia Center processing plant this week at a borderline ‘D’ upon discovering vast amounts of raw chicken contaminating nearly…


Categories: The Onion

Biggest Revelations From The Anonymous Trump Official’s New Book

The Onion - Wed, 2019-11-20 08:30

A Warning, the new book by an anonymous writer identified as “a senior Trump administration official” that purports to be a critical look at the Donald Trump presidency, was published November 19. The Onion takes a look at the biggest revelations from the anonymous official’s new book.


Categories: The Onion

Ornithologists Awarded $10 Million Grant To Research Whether That Big Bird Up There A Hawk

The Onion - Wed, 2019-11-20 08:00

SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Hoping the financial incentive will help classify that thing circling around in the sky, ornithologists at the University of Rhode Island were awarded a $10 million grant this week to research whether that big bird way up there is a hawk. “It was pretty far away when we first saw it, but it looked…


Categories: The Onion

Sanders and Warren: What’s the difference?

Eric Lee's Blog - Wed, 2019-11-20 06:42

This article appears in the current issue of Solidarity.

American politics has made a sharp turn to the left in recent years – a turn that few anticipated, but that underpins much of what is going on in the Democratic primary now underway.

The two leading progressive candidates, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, together represent a clear majority of Democratic voters. The party’s “moderate” wing thought it had a winner in Joe Biden, but the implosion of his campaign has led to a search for viable alternatives to the two Democratic senators from New England. Mayor Pete Buttigieg is emerging as the hope of that wing of the party as all the other candidates struggle to show any support in recent polls.

Any of the Democratic candidates would be huge improvements over Trump, obviously. And of them all, Elizabeth Warren is far and away the most progressive – except for Bernie Sanders.

So where do they differ? Warren proudly calls herself a capitalist, and was a Republican party supporter until the mid-1990s. Sanders calls himself a democratic socialist, and has been active on the American left since the early 1960’s when he was a member of the Young People’s Socialist League. Unlike Warren, Sanders speaks the language of the socialist left. Speaking to trade unionists in Iowa recently, he said that “if there’s going to be class warfare in this country, it’s about time the working class won that war.”

That difference also expresses itself in policies, where Sanders is consistently somewhat to the left of Warren. This is even true with a proposal like Medicare for All, where the two candidates seem to be reading from the same page.

But the main difference between them is how they see social change happening in America. Warren has detailed plans to fix social problems one by one. Sanders sees a grassroots movement, and in particular a revitalised trade union movement, as central to turning his vision into reality.

Sanders says that if elected, he’ll play the role of “organiser-in-chief” and is counting on mass popular support to pass his radical program of change. Warren says nothing of the sort.

He models himself somewhat on President Franklin Roosevelt, whose New Deal reforms were made possible by the rise of a radicalised labour movement in the 1930s. And he grew up at a time of radical social change in 1960’s, underpinned by the growth of increasingly left-wing civil rights and student movements.

Sanders is especially focussed on strengthening America’s greatly weakened trade union movement. He has pledged to double the membership of unions during his first term in office. While other Democratic candidates have made similar pledges in the past – especially to reform labour law to allow unions to organise and grow – they have not followed through once elected. Sanders understands that there will be no real change in the country without massively stronger trade unions.

It would be best for American workers if Sanders is the Democratic nominee in 2020. But right now, he’s in a tough fight to win that nomination. In most polls, Warren is ahead of him. If she wins the nomination, Sanders has already pledged to support her (or any other Democrat running against Trump).

Not all Sanders’ supporters share his view. Three months ago, Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) voted at its national convention in Atlanta for a “Bernie or Bust” resolution – saying that if Sanders was not the party’s nominee in 2020, they would not officially support anyone, not even Elizabeth Warren. Others, socialists among them, disagree.

Whether Sanders is the nominee or Warren, the Democrats will likely embrace the most radical platform any American political party has proposed since the 1930s. But of those two candidates, it is Sanders who best understands what it takes to turn such a platform into reality.

Kanye West Debuting Opera

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 16:57

Kanye West announced Nebuchadnezzar, an opera about the titular Biblical figure, will premiere at the Hollywood Bowl on November 24, adding to the rapper and producer’s foray into Judeo-Christian themes on the heels of his gospel-inspired work Jesus is King. What do you think?


Categories: The Onion

Report Confirms That Being Unable To Keep Track Of Mass Shootings Technically Counts As Not Giving Attention To Shooters

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 16:16

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Stressing that it was by no means an ideal solution to the issue, a report released Tuesday by researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology concluded that an inability to keep track of all the nation’s mass shootings still counts as denying shooters the attention they crave. “With the sheer…


Categories: The Onion

Literary Historians Discover Hemingway’s Dad Bulk Purchased 70,000 Copies Of ‘The Sun Also Rises’ To Get Son On Bestseller List

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 15:35

GAINESVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the life of the celebrated author, literary historians from the University of Florida announced Tuesday that they had discovered evidence that Ernest Hemingway’s father had bulk purchased 70,000 copies of The Sun Also Rises to get his son on the bestseller list. “These findings…


Categories: The Onion

FBI Solving 80% More Cases After Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 14:31

WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass. “Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped our…


Categories: The Onion

Review: Which Side Were You On? The American Communist Party During the Second World War, by Maurice Isserman

Eric Lee's Blog - Tue, 2019-11-19 12:27

“The history of communism in America is bitterly contested terrain,” writes Maurice Isserman on the first page of his 1982 book. Nearly four decades later, it remains bitterly contested. Isserman falls into the category, I think, of historians who were open to re-examining the history of the American Communists, rejecting the overly-simplistic anti-Communist narratives that had been prevalent during the long decades of the Cold War (which was still raging in 1982).

But subsequent research, and in particular the opening of the Soviet archives following the collapse of the USSR, showed that the Cold Warriors had not in fact got it all wrong. The American Communists were, for many years, effectively a tool of Soviet foreign policy. The party was controlled by Moscow, was funded by it, took orders from it, and followed its lead even where it led the party into oblivion.

This should have been clear to Isserman even without access to those archives, as he devotes a considerable part of the book to the party’s darkest period – the nearly two years of the Hitler-Stalin Pact when Communists around the world were forced to focus their attacks on British imperialism, to turn down the volume when attacking Nazi Germany, and to make convoluted defences of Stalin’s decision to partner with Hitler in the division of Poland and much else.

One cannot help but read the story of the decline of the American Communists with sensing a certain sense of justice playing out. The party’s uber-leader, Earl Browder, whose portrait would hang side-by-side with those of Marx, Lenin and Stalin, was unceremoniously kicked out of the Party following yet another Moscow-ordered change on line after 1945. Browder’s rival, William Z. Foster (his enemies said the “Z” stood for “zig-zag”), then inheriting a party facing terminal decline.

A pity that Isserman has nothing to say about Marxist rivals to the Communist Party, not least of all the Trotskyists, particularly those who followed the leadership of Max Shachtman. He treats them with the same disdain as the Communists did, ignoring them completely. He doesn’t even mention what may have been Browder’s final appearance on a public stage, when in 1950 he finally agreed — now powerless and no longer with a Party to lead — to debate Shachtman in front of an audience of over 1,000 people.

At the end of Shachtman’s presentation he turned the face the former unchallenged leader of the American Stalinists and uttered these unforgettable words:

“When I saw him standing there at the podium, I said to myself: Rajk was the general secretary of the Hungarian Communist Party, and was shot, or hanged, or garrotted. Kostov was the general secretary of the Bulgarian Communist Party. And when I thought of what happened to them, I thought of the former secretary of the American Communist Party, and I said to myself: There – there but for an accident of geography, stands a corpse!

Bloomberg Apologizes For Stop And Frisk

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 09:30

Ahead of a possible presidential run, former Mayor Michael Bloomberg apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy, admitting that it increased racial disparities in stops without any demonstrable effects on preventing crime. What do you think?


Categories: The Onion

Bin There, Done That

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 09:00
Categories: The Onion

‘Reflationary Boom Incapable Of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery,’ Announces Finance Article That Actually About Your Entire Savings Being Wiped Out

The Onion - Tue, 2019-11-19 08:30

NEW YORK—Forecasting that the bond trading industry would soon experience “long-overdue yield corrections,” an article published in The Wall Street Journal Tuesday with the headline “Reflationary Boom Incapable of Helping U.S. Bond Market Recovery” is, in fact, a detailed account of how your entire savings will soon…


Categories: The Onion

Pete Buttigieg Jumps To First Place In Iowa

The Onion - Mon, 2019-11-18 17:11

Demonstrating a dramatic ability to surge in support in the crucial election state, Mayor Pete Buttigieg took a commanding 10% lead over rivals Senators Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden, who are tied in a dead heat at 15%. What do you think?


Categories: The Onion

Buttigieg Campaign Appeals To Moderate Republicans By Touting Low Approval Among Black Voters

The Onion - Mon, 2019-11-18 15:05

SOUTH BEND, IN—In an effort to unite disparate groups of white Americans, the Pete Buttigieg campaign released a new series of ads Monday appealing to moderate Republicans by touting the candidate’s low approval rate among black voters. “We hope that any Republican who finds Trump beyond the pale will turn to our…


Categories: The Onion

Biologists Recommend Trees Put Aside A Little Phosphorus For Unexpected Emergencies

The Onion - Mon, 2019-11-18 14:55

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Noting that the measure could prevent flora from being caught off guard in their later years, biologists at Harvard University issued a recommendation Monday that trees put aside a little phosphorous for any unexpected emergencies. “You never know when the environment is going to throw you a curveball,…


Categories: The Onion
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